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Everyone Says I’m Ugly; I Wish to Die

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Feb 08, 2018

Question

Hello. I'm 19 and have been struggling for 6 years. Sometimes I feel I'm not a human because a human cannot suffer like this. Let me explain my difficulties. Firstly, my first and foremost depression are about my look. To everyone, my parents are beautiful. I am supposed to be beautiful like them. I was somehow cute until I was 11 but then ugliness has begun. When I was 15, everyone insulted me because of my look. They said, “why are you so ugly? It seems you are not their son. This insult has made my life horrible. Secondly, I fell love with a girl and I wanted to marry her. But she cheated me. I want to forget her but I still cannot. Thirdly, I'm a stemmer. I'm made fun of and insulted for this. Fourthly, I was a very good student when I was in primary school. But when I admitted to high school, I couldn't get good grades. Fifth, I'm very fooled and I'm insulted every day by my friends. I'm getting isolated from everything. Why has Allah made my life so difficult? I don't know how I can live like this. I want to die or fix these problems. I know committing suicide is haram and for this, I cannot do this. But also I cannot live like this. Why is Allah doing this with me?

Counselor

Answer


Everyone Says I’m Ugly; I Wish to Die

In this counseling answer:

“If Allah makes a point to mention that He is not concerned with the outward beauty of an individual, then who are we to judge an individual based on their outward appearance?

You are not an ugly person simply because a few ignorant people said you are. You are a beautiful person and that is determined by your relationship with Allah, not people’s comment of your outward appearance.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear brother,

Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.

I am sorry to hear of the hard times that you are going through right now. You must always remember that if life is bringing on sad moments right now, there will soon be happy moments coming your way.

Dear brother, you must realize that not everyone is blessed in life with exactly what they want. But the happy ones are those who are happy with exactly what they have been blessed with. So, focus on what you have been blessed with. I

It would be helpful if you started a blessing journal. Each day, write down 3 things that you felt good about and grateful for that day. It can be as small events as a sunny day, eating chocolate or smelling a nice flower. Anything that you feel grateful about to Allah.

Define beauty

Dear brother, what is ugliness? Is being beautiful/handsome defined by the skin color? Abs? flawless skin? Height? Weight? Hair quality? I find such qualities of defining an individual’s beauty as being pure shallow. None of these qualities last much longer. After a certain time, the skin starts to age, and those big eyes, high cheekbones and good sturdy manly face qualities diminish. So, why worry about what is not permanent?

What is permanent is the condition of the heart. What is permanent is the thought process. What is permanent is a person’s characteristics.

The Prophet said,

“Allah does not look at your outward appearance and your wealth, rather He looks at your hearts and deeds.” [Sahih Bukhari]

If Allah makes a point to mention that He is not concerned with the outward beauty of an individual, then who are we to judge an individual based on their outward appearance?

You are not an ugly person simply because a few ignorant people said you are. You are a beautiful person and that is determined by your relationship with Allah, not people’s comment of your outward appearance.

Be patient

I understand that listening to people’s insult you is hard on you emotionally and mentally. However, dear brother, realize that it is you who chose what disturbs you and does not disturb you.

In these situations, you must be patient. Being patient means to try and forget what disturbs and causes emotional and mental unhappiness. You must realize that this world is simply a test, and nothing lasts for too long.

Allah says in the Quran,

“And will reward them for what they patiently endured [with] a garden [in Paradise] and silk [garments].” (Quran 76: 12)

Allah also says in the Quran,

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits but give good tidings to the patient.” (Quran 2: 155)

No one is in control of you beside you yourself. Once you realize and internalize this you will see that your life will change for the better.

Occupy yourself with what matters

You are only 19. You have your entire life ahead of you, in Sha Allah. If you are absorbing a few negative comments with utmost pain, then you will not steer yourself in the direction of a productive future.

You mentioned that when you were in primary school, you were a good student. However, entering high school had a drastic effect on your grades. This is because high school is not in primary school. In the primary, students are told by the teachers what to do, how to do, what steps to take, and exactly what is required, without the student really having to do anything with complete independence. However, in high school, the student is independent. The teacher does not really pamper the student with many guidelines aside from the basic ones and the student must work on time with punctuality and keep all materials.

But, this is not going to be easy if your mind is occupied with negativity about those who insult you.  Remember, that their comments can either bring you down or raise you. Will their comments and insults matter to you in the next five years? No! What will matter is that if you let their comments destroy your inner peace such that you are not capable of paying attention in the school and, hence, let your marks suffer. Don’t let people’s ignorance be the cause of your failure! Be better than that and define your future!

Set boundaries and avoid complainers. However, if you simply cannot avoid them, don’t spend too much time in their presence.

Don’t over analyze the situation. I believe that most of your negativity is the result of you dwelling on the insults. Simply hear and forget. It may be hard, but if you occupy your mind with what is more important, then this will not be a hard feat.

In addition, dear brother, there is nothing with having a stutter. It is a problem which can be easily fixed. But in most people, the stutter is a result of stress in the background, negativity, and lack of confidence. You should also visit a speech therapist for more professional guidance.

You should try to be involved in activities that will take your mind off your thoughts. Research shows that walking or running is a cure to depressed and anxious patients, creates creative minds and increases the lifespan of an individual. Therefore, make it a habit to go out for a run/walk every single day.

Gain back your confidence

Dear brother, it seems that these hurdles in your life have made you lose your confidence completely and made you depressed from the inside.

You must accept who you are and be happy about it.

  1. I am sure there are many things that you excel at. Write them down. Practice them and realize that your skillset is different from everyone else’s.

You must not let their comments affect you and make you seem defeated and insulted.

  1. This can only be achieved if you grow positivity in your mind and learn about those who have overcome grave situations to be successful in the future. Look at the history of prominent leaders, and you will realize that they were prey to insults and failures.

You must be happy with your own appearance and dress yourself to please yourself and Allah.

  1. Dear brother, if we try to please the creation, nothing will be enough. If we are satisfied with our actions, nothing should bother us.

Know that everyone is imperfect. Everyone has some imperfections that they look beyond, and you must do the same.

Lastly, you can only forget the girl you were once interested in marrying if you define your priorities. You are only 19, and at this age, the brain is not completely developed. Most of the love that individuals seem to experience is merely infatuation.

If you have any text messages from her or her photos, or her as a friend on social media, I suggest you delete them and consider it a past long gone.  Again, if you think about what will matter 5 or 10 years down the line, it will become easier to realize what is important now.

Remind yourself of Allah’s promises

Allah says in the Quran,

O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Quran 39:53)

 “Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah.  Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (Quran 13:28)

“And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.” (Quran 50: 16)

These are the promises that are made by Allah to His slaves, us. As you can see, Allah addresses each point you have made in your question. He says that He is close to you, and if you remember Him, your heart will find peace, and if you ask for forgiveness, He will forgive you.

I pray that Allah helps you and relieves you of your troubles as soon as possible.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Madiha Sadaf

Madiha Sadaf in an undergraduate student at the University of Ottawa, enrolled in BSc. with Major in Biology and Psychology with Minor in Health Social Sciences.

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