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Due to My Haram Relationship, Family Forces Me to Leave College

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 14, 2018

Question

Assalamu alaykum.

A few months ago, I was engaged in a haraam relationship. But due to the involvement of my parents and relatives, it came to an end. Initially, it was very difficult to get over him. But as I decided to do the Hajj, I had to drop all my bad intentions and I was ready to be like a newborn baby. Now Alhamdulillah, I completed my Hajj and sincerely I don’t have any intention of continuing the relationship as I know the consequences I might have to face both in dunya and Jannah.

The problem now is my family who does not allow me to continue my academics in my college as he is present there doing a separate course. I want to continue there and I promised them that nothing haraam will happen from now onwards. I feel like they are not giving a value for my Hajj and like they still don't believe me.

As I am in the midst of my graduation, once I leave that college I won't get the continuation anywhere. I will have to start from the beginning. My 2 years will be wasted. What will I do?

Counselor

Answer


Due to My Haram Relationship, Family Forces Me to Leave College

In this counseling answer:

“I would kindly suggest that you sit down with your parents and discuss your concerns about having to do your schooling over again. The focus should be the concern for your studies, not the boy. If you focus on the boy, they may feel you still have feelings for him. While they will certainly bring him up, you should try in sha’ Allah to keep on pointing about your education. I would address their concerns about him as best as you can, but keep the main points on your education.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. I am happy to hear you went on Hajj. Mash’Allah that is a life-changing blessing. May Allah make all easy for you.

As you were involved in a haram relationship prior to going to Hajj, your parents probably fear you will fall back into the same pattern as before you left. It is not that they do not trust you, sister, nor that they are not giving you the value of your Hajj. It is just possible that they know the power and strength of personal feelings once they have been stirred up.

It is not that you would go back on purpose; however, they know a slight danger may exist due to him being there. They are in effect, trying to protect you from the possible whisperings of the shaitan as well as the slightest chance that you could catch some feelings again (you are human after all) for the boy and the relationship.

Even the best of people who were/are scholars and lived righteous lives can get misguided or fall into sin in a quick moment. Thus, your parents, knowing human nature, are just attempting to protect you, not hold you back. As it has only been a few months since you were engaged in the haram relationship, they may be worried that it is too soon to “test” your emotions.   You must remember sister, your parents have a lot more experience with these emotions as they have been married for many years.

However, as you are 18, you are responsible for your life and actions now. I am sure you realize this. It is just often difficult for parents to let go, even when they are aware that their child is now grown.

Sister, I would kindly suggest that you sit down with your parents and discuss your concerns about having to do your schooling over again. I am not sure why you would have to do it all over, but also you could maybe check into other schools to see if there could be a full transfer. I know this is upsetting to think you may have to stop studying or change schools at this point as you are ready to graduate, but unless you can pay your tuition, you may not have a choice at this point.

Another option would be to take a break and return to that school and finish your studies there when the boy is done with this course. As you stated he was taking a course, I am thinking it will be over in 1 semester? Students often do take a semester or two off and go back to finish school, and it is allowed. Perhaps that would be an option.

You could continue to try to discuss the matter with your parents. Discuss hadiths and Qur’anic verses relating to the parent-child relationship as one that is supposed to be a friend at your age.


Check out this counseling video:


Of course, you would have to present it in a most respectful and careful way so as to be sensitive to their feelings. If you chose to do this, sister, you may want to ensure you have all your points in order by doing the Islamic research and presenting it in your conversation.

The focus should be the concern for your studies, not the boy. If you focus on the boy, they may feel you still have feelings for him. While they will certainly bring him up, you should try in sha’ Allah to keep on pointing about your education. I would address their concerns about him as best as you can, but keep the main points on your education.

You might seek out their advice as well, asking what do they suggest that you do in order to graduate as planned. Not in a challenging way, of course, but in a truly concerned manner seeking their help as this is your future.

You may also want to engage a trusted family member or family friend to help you speak with your parents about your seriousness and concerns about your education.  A third party may or may not be welcomed, so I would kindly suggest that you asked them in advance if you chose to do this.

Lastly, dear sister, as you just made the hajj, I would kindly encourage you to seek out Allah, make du’aa’ asking Allah to guide you concerning this issue. Allah loves you and will never lead you wrong. What Allah has for you has already been decreed. Therefore, if you are supposed to graduate there or somewhere else, only Allah (swt) knows. Allah knows best. He is the best of planners.

We wish you the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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