In this counseling answer:
• Allah forgives all sins if you are sincere in your repentance.
• Reflect on yourself and what kind of a person you want to become.
• Do not allow your feelings towards him to transform you into a prisoner of your own desires.
As-Salam ‘Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. It sounds like you are going through a lot of emotions. You feel hurt, ashamed, confused, and most of all you feel guilty of the sins that you have committed. Please know sister, that Allah (swt) knows exactly what you are thinking and feeling, and there is no sin greater for Him (swt) to forgive. I ask Allah (swt) to help you see that and believe it.
You are a young woman who has her whole life ahead of her. You meet a young man who “sweeps you off your feet” and you start to spend a lot of your time with him. Eventually, you start to sin with him and then you find yourself pregnant. To avoid further hurt and embarrassment for yourself and your family, you decide to have an abortion.
Now after all that is done, you are looking back to the events that have led you to this point in time, and you know that something is wrong. You know that you had transgressed Allah’s (swt) laws and feel terrible about it. You also should know that you have transgressed against your own self. Since the actions that you took were not done correctly, you are forced now to take responsibility for your actions. But it is not too late to fix things.
As mentioned before, Allah (swt) forgives all sins if you are sincere in your repentance. Confessing your sins to Allah (swt) and pouring your heart out to Him (swt) is the first step you need to do.
The second step, however, is more difficult and that is to continue to be true to what you have promised to Allah (swt) when you repented. In order to reach step two, the best thing for you to do is to take a step back and focus your time and energy on yourself from this point forward. You need to look at your life from a different perspective and make decisions on how you want to live from now on. You feel terrible about your actions in the past, but it seems you have made a decision that you do not want to fall into the same trap again. That is certainly the right decision, but now it’s up to you to make it happen.
Since you like this young man very much, the first thing that comes to your mind is to marry him. It seems like you are desperate for that to happen. By taking a step back, you first need to find out if this young man really is a good match for you or if you are just trying to convince yourself that he is.
Earlier in your question, you wrote “I want to repent and I want him to do as well. I want him to be a better person. He has done a few things behind my back, but I have forgiven him.” You mention that you want to start a new life, repent, and live as an upright Muslim, but it is not clear whether he wants to do the same. He also has done a few things in the past behind your back. What exactly did he do and what made you decide to forgive him? Did he just promise you that he wouldn’t do whatever he had done ever again, or did you actually witness a positive change within him?
Your body, mind, and soul are at stake here, and you need to be completely honest with yourself before continuing to pursue marriage with this young man. Now you have to ask yourself, “What would I do if he doesn’t repent or want to live the kind of life I want?” Will you leave him or will you stay with him hoping that he will change someday?
It is evident that you have very strong feelings towards this young man, but making a decision based on emotions only is not wise at this point. As mentioned earlier, take some time away from him without seeing him or contacting him and focus your attention on yourself and what will help you reach your goals of living a new life as an upright Muslim. Will he be supportive of this kind of lifestyle or not? During your time away from him, reflect on yourself and what kind of a person you want to become. Then reflect on your relationship with him and what good came out of it and what bad came out of it.
You need to answer these questions to yourself honestly and openly without being tainted with your emotions. Please do not be afraid of taking this time off away from him. This is absolutely vital for you to gain more clarity and direction in your decision. If this young man truly cared for you, then he would understand that you need to take time off away from him. He would also understand that you no longer want to continue a physical and romantic relationship with him unless it is halal. You should in no way feel pressured by him to compromise your values and lifestyle for his sake.
If you decide to marry him, then certainly you want to marry a person who is compatible with your lifestyle and values in order for a successful marriage. If you come up with the decision to marry this young man, then discuss it with your family and from that point forward have him contact your family and meet them. I would also highly encourage pre-marital counseling if you get that far and all parties are in agreement for this marriage to take place.
If after you take the time to reflect and you discover that this young man may not be the right match for you, please persevere and be patient with yourself to overcome whatever emotions come your way. It is difficult to overcome emotions of loss and hurt, but know that it will all pass and that you are making the right decision to end your relationship with him. Do not allow your feelings towards him to transform you into a prisoner of your own desires. Continue to strive for what will make you stronger and what will help you reach your goals, and then everything else will come in its right place at the right time.
I know that it is hard to believe a life without him with all the fears and embarrassment you feel at this point, but the truth is, it will pass. Put your trust in Allah (swt).
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