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College Ended; I Miss Him Very Much

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 11, 2017

Question

I fell in love with my classmate and my dear friend at college. Now his studies are over and I no longer see him. I miss him a lot and this causes unbearable pain and suffering for me. What shall I do?? I feel lost and suspended.

Counselor

Answer


College Ended; I Miss Him Very Much

In this counseling answer:

“You will need to start again and plan for your future in another way. The first step to take in dealing with your painful emotions is allowing yourself to grieve the loss of the love feelings. when you feel ready to take this step, start finding new friends, new activities, new places to visit, and new things to learn.”


As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister, 

Thanks for sending your question and sharing your feelings with us. We really appreciate this trust.

I can read how deep and severe your pain is. You say you feel lost and suspended. I am really sorry for what you have been going through. I hope I would be able to help in relieving this pain and guiding you to what to do. However, as your question is very short and does not include enough information about your situation, please excuse me if I will talk somehow in general. In sha’ Allah, you will be able to relate what I say to your specific situation.

First, it is important to know that your feelings are natural and human. You have the right to live those feelings and let them be expressed and released – but, of course, in the right way.

I don’t know anything about the nature of the relationship, but I believe it is my role to give a general reminder that in Islam, marriage should be the only form of relationship between a man and a woman who have feelings of love for each other. I am not saying that love in itself is not appropriate; love is a natural and one of the best feelings in life. But how we deal with that love is what should be subjected to the Shari’ah. 

It is not stated clearly in the question, but it seems that there hasn’t been any kind of contact between you and him for a year. This long period with no contact could be sending you the message that he might not be thinking of your relationship together. It seems he does not intend to take a step toward a serious relationship of marriage. If this is the case, I believe this could be causing you much pain, too.

It could be that you built plans for your future life with him and that you were so much excited to go through this together. The feeling that those nice future dreams and plans are no more there could be a source of the feelings of being lost and suspended. You will need to start again and plan for your future in another way.

The first step to take in dealing with your painful emotions is allowing yourself to grieve the loss of the love feelings you once lived but for some reasons, you cannot live them now. Allow yourself to live the feelings of loss and missing a dear person. Allow yourself to do it in your own way that soothes you. Gradually, let those painful feelings out. Some people find relief in crying, others in sitting alone, in walking alone, in talking with a trusted person, in writing, painting, etc. You can find this yourself; you are the best person to know what soothes and relieves you.

Give yourself enough time to heal as healing cannot be rushed. Some people can’t endure living the pain and, hence, rush themselves out of that state. Unfortunately, such people could be fooling themselves and give themselves the impression that everything is alright while actually, it is not. This could be harmful as they could either regress or suffer the negative consequences of being emotionally unbalanced.

Secondly, try to think of the positive emotions you experienced during the period when you were in love. Love gives a positive boost that brings out the best in a person. So, it could be helpful to recall the positive changes that happened to you at that time. This can be a ray of light that can balance your emotions and give you some relief.

Other helpful ways to release your pain and express your emotions is to talk to someone you trust and feel comfortable when you talk with. I know that when someone is in pain, s/he would not be ready to hear advice and lessons. So, it could be helpful to ask that person to just listen to you with patience and empathy and to just give you words of support and love.

Additionally, when you feel ready to take this step, start finding new friends, new activities, new places to visit, and new things to learn. This would help you gradually to replace the negative emotions with positive ones. You will find love; not necessarily romantic love, but love in all its forms which is an essential need all human beings have.

I always like to end my answers with the most important of all, which is to seek Allah’s support and guidance through du`aa’. It is the strongest weapon of a Muslim. Also, keep on saying istighfar (asking forgiveness from Allah) which surely opens all closed doors.

I hope I have been able to help you. Please feel free to write us back if you need any help.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Layla Al Qaraqsi

Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: layla_karaksi@hotmail.com

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