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When Engagement Failed: Tips on How to Move On

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 13, 2017

Question

As-Salam Alaykum. Thank you so much to guide me. In fact, I feel you said all I wanted to hear. I think I’m getting far away from him. I don't like anything about him these days. Sometimes, I decide to break up with him, but then the thought comes to my mind that he loves me. I don't know what do to. Actually, I’m really scared of losing him because I told everyone about him. If I broke up with him, what will people say? And how will he react? I’m so upset. Many times, when fighting on silly things, I told him to break up so that we can leave each other, but he always contacts me the next day and says that he cannot live without me. I cannot love him now, because he does not love Allah. Moreover, I cannot think of spending my life with him. I cannot imagine living in a place where I want to pray and my partner plays music; where I want to spread the fragrance of love for Allah and he wants to smoke. I want to be independent in following Islam, but as far as my relation with him is concerned, I pray that Allah guides him. I know I’m not a good Muslim, but still I’m not bad enough to get a person like him. But I don't know what to do. I want to have him as a good Muslim, rather than having him as a Muslim only by name. I’m really depressed these days. Please help me. Thanks.

Counselor

Answer


When Engagement Failed: Tips on How to Move On

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum,

I am glad you benefitted from my response, sister. Your next steps to take will be addressed based on your statements above.

You said, Many times, when fighting on silly things, I told him to break up so that we can leave each other, but he always contacts me the next day and says that he cannot live without me.

Firstly, you do not need to find just any reason to end communication. You can use the true substantial one you already have! This relationship has no benefit and is not going to lead to marriage at this time. Furthermore, the brother, as you said, is not aligned with your understanding of Islam.

Secondly, although I am sure you are very special sister, he can live without you. He is simply expressing his attachment. When you miss someone and feel stressed in general, humans look for “contact comfort.” It does not mean we are necessarily in love. The reality is that it is not your responsibility to help him cope with moving on, but you must prioritize coping within yourself.

You also said I’m really scared of losing him because I told everyone about him. If I broke up with him, what will people say?”

Do you worship people? Are people going to assess you on the day you meet your Lord and God Almighty asks you about your life choices and actions? Nope. Do not be the prisoner of people by worrying about them that much. Sure, social conventions should be regarded but not when it comes to our existential salvation! People always move on, and your life is not the center of everyone’s attention.

You said But I don’t know what to do”

Here are your next steps to move on properly with dignity, in sha’ Allah.

  • Stop contacting him.
  • Reflect on the things that bothered you to make moving on easier.
  • Erase emails/texts that come from him; don’t even bother reading them! It would only make things harder and drag on.
  • Get rid of anything in your room/home that reminds you of him, especially things he gave you.
  • Surround yourself with good company/friends/family. They will make you feel better and keep you socially busy. You are more likely to meet someone new and better when you socialize and are with good company.
  • Get back into your hobbies and interests; this helps you reconnect with who you are.
  • Read and or listen to Qur’an daily as it is a cure for the pain.
  • Make du’aa’ with sincerity and trust that God will send you someone better when you are ready.
  • Take this as a learning experience and be glad it ended when it did; it could have been a lot worse!

God bless you sister on your journey. I am confident you will be fine because you put first things first and chose God; only blessings will follow with God’s permission!

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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