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Want to Marry Her But Her Istikhara Was Negative, What Can I Do?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 28, 2017

Question

As-salmu Aslaikum, Please I need your advice. I have been dating a girl for a long time and she said she did istikhara about our marriage that we can't get married, please I want to know if I should do prayer about it maybe there can still be a solution for that. Please, I need your advice get back to me soon. ma salaam

Counselor

Answer


Marry

In this counseling answer:

“It may be that this girl telling you that after praying istikhara she felt that the marriage could not move forward was already a sign that it is not to be. This is nothing to be sad about. You could even take this as Allah pushing you both to seek marriage in a more appropriate way, that’s in line with Islam and better for you both. It may therefore even be a blessing for you, as much as you are devastated by her saying that she feels you should not get married.”


Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

I think the first issue here is that you have been dating this girl. I’m sure you both known that this is not permissible in Islam sonic won’t say much more in this aspect of the scenario, but I think it is important for you to understand how dating someone can influence the effect of istikhara. Naturally, dating someone will inevitably lead to feelings between the couple, regardless of whether there is any intention to marry or not.

These feelings will only interfere with the perceived outcome of the istikhara, because any feeling elicited as a result of the istikhara could easily be a result of the feelings that exist between the couple, rather than any guidance from Allah as such. It, therefore, becomes difficult to distinguish between what is a result of the istikhara and what is a result of the feelings already held towards the person as a result of prolonged close contact.

The first thing I would recommend is to cease contact with this girl for the sake of Allah and falling into further sin. This is not to say that you could not go ahead and marry this girl at some point in the future, but please also understand the circumstances under which you have developed this liking for each other. You can continue to pray istikhara during this time and if Allah says it is to be then he will make it happen,  and if not then He will place barriers in the way.

It may be that this girl telling you that after praying istikhara she felt that the marriage could not move forward was already a sign that it is not to be. This is nothing to be sad about. You could even take this as Allah pushing you both to seek marriage in a more appropriate way, that’s in line with Islam and better for you both. It may therefore even be a blessing for you, as much as you are devastated by her saying that she feels you should not get married.

The other important thing you should do at this point is to ask Allah for forgiveness. Allah loves to forgive and as I’m sure you are aware, having a girlfriend is not acceptable in Islam. I would thereof urge you to repentant to Allah with sincerity.

To be in sincere in your request for forgiveness, you have to remember that you should do all you can to avoid falling into the same sin again, which means avoiding contact with this girl and all non-mahram women alone, except in the presence of their mahram. There is great wisdom in Allah’s command to interact with members of the opposite sex in this way in that it prevents us from falling into such difficulties as you face now.

Ultimately, understand that if things don’t work out with this girl then it is not the end of your chances of getting married. There are many women seeking spouses and Allah knows who is best for you. Perhaps give yourself some time to move on from this relationship and then start a fresh in search of a spouse in the correct way.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse that will bring you happiness in this life and the next.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

 




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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