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She Has a Sinful Past; Shall I Marry Her?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 28, 2018

Question

As-Salamu Alaykum.

I’m a Muslim guy living abroad. I met a Christian girl who was just my friend at the beginning, but then our relationship has become more than just friendship. Previously, she told me about her past and her previous relationships. She had four guys in her life with different stories; three abortions and one surgery resulted in the removal of one of her fallopian tube. Later, she accepted to be my girlfriend, but honestly, I was just having fun with her. Then I became more serious about this relationship, and she also surprised me that she wanted to be a Muslim. She said she could accept my Arabic traditions.

I was in a “psychological war“ struggling between her past and my traditions. To be honest, before knowing this girl, I fornicated three times with paid women, but I have already regretted them. Once, for the first time, I told her that she was my wife in order to not fall into the sin of fornication. She accepted and replied that I was her husband. She asked me to teach her Arabic and about the rules in Islam.

My main problem with her is still her past. The second is that I am not sure whether our relationship is considered as fornication. I live alone in a foreign country like her, but until now our marriage hasn’t been registered neither officially, nor Islamically. We just consider each other husband and wife. I don't want to leave her alone in this world, and I also feel strongly that I want to change her totally. On the other hand, the war about her past is still going in my mind: leave her or start together a new live as a Muslim couple? Also, I feel bad because I don’t pray regularly except the isha’ prayer. JazakAllah kahyran.

Counselor

Answer


She Has a Sinful Past; Shall I Marry Her?

In this counseling answer:

• Only marry her if you truly recognize that her past is no better than yours.

• You need to get your relationship right with Allah (swt) and start keeping your daily prayers.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear brother,

It seems you are in a dilemma. First, you were friends with this girl, then it became more; however, as you stated, you were just having fun with her. It sounds to me that she really cares about you and, more importantly, about learning about Islam and becoming a Muslim. Now, we know that if she takes the shahadah, all her sins will be wiped away, in sha’ Allah, and she will be like a newborn baby. However, your past won’t be wiped away, unless you repent. You are already Muslim.

Not to sound harsh, brother, but why would you be concerned with her past when you paid women to have sex with you three times and also had sex with this girl? Just because she had abortions and had a fallopian tube removed, does it make her less of a worthy person than you? In fact, to keep it totally real, you knew of Islam while she didn’t.

She was not a Muslim, but, as a revert (in sha’ Allah), she has chosen Islam and Allah (swt) to serve and worship. You were born into Islam. It wasn’t a choice. If she chooses to take the shahadah, it is because of a deep love for Allah (swt) and a desire to serve Him (swt). This is the reason of most reverts to choose Islam.

You say you are struggling with her past and your traditions. Brother, I do not think to pay for sex, using females for their bodies and then breaking their hearts by not marrying them are the behavior of your tradition and certainly not of a Muslim believer.

But we all sin, and we all make mistakes, don’t we? That is why Allah (swt) in His most infinite mercy lets us come to Him (swt) in repentance and prayer. If Allah (swt) forgives our past and our sins, in sha’ Allah, who are we to hold someone else’s sins against them? Only Allah (swt) knows the heart.

I would kindly suggest, dear brother, that you get your priorities straight. I kindly suggest that you stop looking at this girl as “less than” and look in the mirror.

It appears that you have stirred feelings of love for this girl. But think about your own behavior and the purity that new Muslims like her, in sha’ Allah, acquire when they truly dedicate their life to Allah (swt). Think about Allah’s (swt) mercy and forgiveness. If, after all, you feel you are still better than she or you cannot love her, then leaving her alone might be the best option. In sha’ Allah, Allah (swt) will guide her, and she will be blessed with a husband who will truly love and cherish her. In the meantime, you will be free to marry whom you consider being a “pure” girl; however, you will still not be a virgin.

If you find that in your heart you can love her as Allah (swt) states a man should love his wife – with respect, compassion, and forgiveness –, and be a garment for her, then marry her. But you are not married to her now. A marriage in Islam requires a marriage contract signed in the presence of witnesses. An Islamic marriage is not hidden from the community.

In sha’ Allah, after she takes the shahadah, marry her and start fresh. May Allah (swt) bless you with a wonderful marriage and family.

But please, brother, only marry her if you truly recognize that her past is no better than yours. In fact, she will even be purer than you if she takes the shahadah. May Allah (swt) grant mercy, forgive our sins and guide us all.

Regarding the matter of prayer, if you are going to teach anyone about Islam, you need to get your relationship right with Allah (swt) and start keeping your daily prayers. How can you have a pious, praying wife when you yourself fall short? She will not be happy if you are not serving Allah (swt). Perhaps, this is a wake-up call for you in more than one ways.

You are in our prayers, dear brother. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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