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Shall I Wait Years for a Guy to Marry Me?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 02, 2018

Question

Assalamualaikum. I'm a 20 years old Muslim girl. One person loves me a lot. He is of my age. He proposed me 2 years ago and I rejected as I was not interested in a relationship. I feel it's wrong to love someone before marriage. But he is not leaving me. He didn't compel me to accept his proposal, but he is saying that after 5 or 6 years he will come and ask my father for my hand.

He said he doesn't want any dowry or anything else. He is ready to accept me the way I am and he just wants a pious girl. He got attracted by my character and loved me. I said to him many times to leave me as I am not going to love him back. But he is telling me he just wants me to reject other proposals which may come for me since I'm growing up and heading towards a family life.

He wants me to wait for him 5 years as he cannot talk to my father now without having a job. I can't tell my parents this as I'm afraid that they may think I too love him. But I do not. Although he is a nice guy and he understands me well. I don't have any objection to marrying him if he asks my father. What should I do now? Should I wait for him?

Counselor

Answer



In this counseling answer:

“Take some time to sort out your feelings regarding this guy. Please, try to be honest with yourself about how you truly feel. This will help you in your decision moving forward. If there are truly no feelings for him, please, by all means, cut off communication.  If there are feelings for him that are like love, insha’Allah takes the steps towards preparing for marriage with your parents as a guide.”


As Salamu Alaykum dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand, a guy likes you and you state you do not like him or love him as you feel it is wrong to feel love towards someone before marriage.

Sister, feelings concerning this are neither right nor wrong. It can be – for some – that they have a love for each other which is in a halal way. For this reason, they wish to get married.

Feeling love for someone can develop from watching them in the community or being in a social gathering and observing their morality, their cheerfulness, or their love of helping others. This is not a bad thing. It is a good thing.

With that said, it sounds as if you may already feel a love for this guy or you wouldn’t be in a dilemma as to whether or not to wait for him for 6 years, or wondering how to tell your father.

Additionally, you did state “Although he is a nice guy and he understands me well. I don’t have any objection to marrying him if he asks my father” which may be indicative that deep down, you really do have feelings for him even though perhaps you are not willing or ready to admit – even to yourself.

Let’s just say you do not love him, you like him and feel he is an okay person. Perhaps you are not attracted to his appearance, character, nor his Islamic attributes. Perhaps he is not a potential mate. If so, you must literally cut off all communication with him, sister, and not lead him on.

If he is truly a “friend zone type of guy” to you, he does need to know this. The way you can get through to him is by not having a conversation with him at all because if you do continue to lead him on, it is haram as it is deceptive.

Additionally, being alone with a guy and talking in this type of context could lead to haram and as you know is not permissible. Being honest with yourself and him will insha’Allah save you both from much pain and disappointment now and in the future.

If, on the other hand, you truly respect this guy, find him attractive, of good character and Islamic principles, and you feel like he is someone you would like to build a life with, then you should take another route insha’Allah. In this case, I would kindly suggest that you do not put off marriage but rather tell him you would like to marry but that you would like to do so before 6 years. Six years is a long time, sister, and a lot could happen in those years. It is not fair to either of you.

Insha’Allah, if he agrees, have him speak with your parents about marriage and ways in which you both could make it work despite his current financial status. While it is strongly recommended, and even often required, that the future husband be able to support his wife, there are instances wherein young people have gotten married while in college or pursing jobs. This acts as a protection for both.

On a side note, concerning the dowry, you stated “he doesn’t even want a dowry”. Actually, sister, in Islam the dowry or mahr is something that the man gives the woman as part of the marriage contract. You or your family do not give a dowry to him.


Check out this counseling video:


Aboutislam states, “This blessed marital union, known in Islam as nikah, has a few essential components, without which it is not considered complete. One of these is the payment of the mahr or dowry, which is an amount of wealth that the husband pays to his wife.  Paying this mahr is obligatory because Allah has called it “fareedah” in the Quran and commanded Muslim men to pay it “happily” to their wives”.

As there seems to be some contradiction about who pays dowry, I do encourage you both to study Islam further in regards to marriage so that if you decide to marry it will be an Islamically correct marriage.

Sister, please do take some time to sort out your feelings regarding this guy. Please, try to be honest with yourself about how you truly feel. This will help you in your decision moving forward.

If there are truly no feelings for him, please, by all means, cut off communication.  If there are feelings for him that are like love, insha’Allah takes the steps towards preparing for marriage with your parents as a guide.

We wish you the best, sister,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

‘Muslims Don’t Fall in Love before Marriage’

What Comes First: Marriage or Career?

Want to Get Married, but We’re Still in College




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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