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How to Save My Engagement From Breaking Up?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 25, 2017

Question

As-salamu Alaikum. My problem is last year around October I was engaged to a man but things did not go as planned. Recently around March, I met someone else and just a few months ago we got engaged and still, things are not going normally because his mother is not in support. Please, I need your assistance. I don't know if the problem is from me or it's from them. I need a dua or dua's that will make me get a very responsible and god fearing husband at the earliest. Thank you very much.

Counselor

Answer


Engagement

In this counseling answer:

“If you are serious about marrying this man, then perhaps the first thing you can do is to make things work with his mother and win her support. You could either try approaching her yourself to talk to her about it and find out why she does not support your engagement/marriage, or if this will not be comfortable for you then a better option might be to go with your family to meet her and his family to develop good relations between the family. This will help to reassure her that her son is marrying into a good family and might make her feel more comfortable about the situation.”


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It is unfortunate when 2 people desire to get married but don’t have the support of their families, even if it is just one member, such as the man’s mum as in your case. It certainly will make for an easier, more stress-free marriage if the family supports the couple, but it is no means a must and therefore does not necessarily have to stand in the way of you pursuing the marriage to this man if that is what you want and you are going about it in the way that is most pleasing to Allah (i.e not meeting with him alone, always ensuring you have a mahram present).

It is recommended to marry young so you are right to desire to marry earlier. This is in the wisdom that marriage protects us from many sins as well as allow us to have our needs met; both physical and emotional. Therefore, if you wish to stick by this you are left with the option of pushing this marriage forward as quickly as possible since presently if you are not married, relations between you, except in the presence of your mahram are impermissible.

However, if you feel the lack of his mother’s support will make it difficult for you, then since you are not actually married you under no obligation to do so and can seek marriage elsewhere. If this is the case be sure to involve both families so that you can be aware of any difficulties that certain family members might have with the marriage right from the very start to avoid being in the situation that you are presently in.

If you are serious about marrying this man, then perhaps the first thing you can do is to make things work with his mother and win her support. You could either try approaching her yourself to talk to her about it and find out why she does not support your marriage, or if this will not be comfortable for you then a better option might be to go with your family to meet her and his family to develop good relations between the family. This will help to reassure her that her son is marrying into a good family and might make her feel more comfortable about the situation.

Approaching her as a family will also help her to understand that you are serious about the marriage and are a respectable young woman that will be good for her son. Do also understand that many parents are reluctant about their children getting married and will always worry about if they are marrying the right person. The spouse is then left feeling like they will never be good enough or meet up to their expectations, but this is not necessarily an intended insult to the spouse, but merely a sign of their protective nature. In this case, all you can do is be patient with them and continue to show them your kind nature and In sha Allah in time they will adjust.

It might be that you try these things first whilst paying istikhara to ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision about whether to continue to pursue this marriage. Perhaps if it is not meant to be then Allah will continue to make relations difficult despite trying all you can to win his mum over. It may also be that Allah puts something in your heart that you are willing to bear it with patience and prayer that she will eventually change her attitude towards the marriage. If things don’t work out and you have a feeling they never will, then you are free to move on and try other options.

Either way, as you have stated you would prefer for this to happen soon so you can marry early. In this case, if you decide to go ahead with the marriage don’t extend the engagement any longer and if not then begin the search elsewhere. Perhaps you might decide on a certain amount of time that you continue to try to win the support of his mother and make the ultimate choice of whether it’s best to pursue this marriage with the patience of move on.

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes and bring you happiness in this life and the next.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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