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Rejected a Proposal, But Now I Regret It

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Oct 27, 2017

Question

As-salamu alaikum. I hope you are doing well. I'm a 26 years old male and in dire need of some scholarly advice regarding choosing spouse. I think I've made a mistake and disappointed Allah (SWT), and I'm not sure how to make up for it.Few months ago, I was introduced to a girl through family for marriage, and regardless that everything was fine, I was not able to give my approval in marriage. She was from a good family, religious, and pretty. She liked me a lot. However, I'm not sure how to explain it, but I didn't have any positive feelings about her. It's really hard for me to make a major decision like this without having good and positive feelings from heart. When the proposal was in an early stage, I prayed Ishtikhara and informally gave my approval to my parents. But after that, I started having an intense negative feeling that something is not right about her. Eventually, I informed the bride's family that I'm not ready yet and can't make a decision. Three months have already passed since then, and I've been dying inside and feeling awful for what I did. I feel like I was trapped by Saitan and rejected Allah's blessing.I should also mention that few weeks after rejecting the proposal, I sent them a message through my family saying that I'm feeling very bad, and if they allow me, I will marry the girl. However, from what I hear, the bride's family is badmouthing me and making up false allegation against me. So, I'm not sure what else I can do to fix the situation. My cultural background doesn't allow me to directly talk with the girl's father. The only thing I can do at this moment is to make du’aa’ and ask Allah (SWT) to give me another opportunity with her.Was it wrong of me to reject the proposal just based on what I felt from heart? I simply couldn't fight with the negative feelings. What du’aa’ I can do to seek forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and ask him to give me another chance with this girl? Also, can you please give me some advice regarding what I should do now? I've been praying a lot. I'm begging Allah (SWT) every day and seeking forgiveness for what I did. I'm also asking Him to give me another opportunity with the girl. The feeling of letting Allah (SWT) down is killing me inside. Is there any specific du’aa’ I can use in this situation?

Counselor

Answer


marriage proposal

Answer:

Wa ’Alaikum Salaam dear brother in Islam,

You have an amazing level of taqwa (piety), Al-Hamdulillah! May Allah preserve you in it!

Allah says in the Quran that marriage is for love and mercy:

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”(Quran 30:21)

Your problem appears to be that you are worried you should have obeyed your parents and hers (for fear of Allah) instead of being true to your feelings. By playing on your beautiful level of contrition, i.e., self-questioning for fear of Allah/fear of disobeying your parents (and hers), I believe, Shaitan is deceiving you now, not then. But Allah knows best. The way Shaitan seems to be tricking you is that you value obeying your parents and hers more than not marrying when you do not love.If

someone does not attract you, you are not supposed to marry her. So, you did the right thing. Please stop beating yourself up about it.

First of all, in Islam (as compared to culture), parents do not have the right to order their children to marry someone s/he does not love. I hear so many sad stories about people who married because their parents wanted them to due to their cultural ways. As a result, the couples live miserable, loveless lives, trapped in marriages with children where they feel nothing, and it is torture to lay with their partner. So, count your blessings; what you are suffering now is easily solved by means of a better understanding of Islam as compared to that situation, which is often unsolvable, and the people just stay together for the kids.

Furthermore, look how her parents are acting – bad mouthing you and slandering you! For what? For being true to yourself and Islam? They should thank you for your sincerity and honesty because that is the core of Islam! They should thank you for not marrying their daughter when you did not have feelings for her thereby trapping her in a loveless marriage. You did the best thing for their daughter if you think about it! In addition, do you want in-laws who backbite and slander?! What if she is like her parents? Maybe this bad behavior on the part of her family is proof that your fears were justified!

So, please stop condemning yourself for doing the”right” thing, i.e., not marrying someone you do not love. Instead, start loving yourself for being true to yourself and true to her. Thank Allah for the beautiful gifts of both taqwah and righteousness that Allah gave you! Don’t let Shaitan use your own good self-evaluation against you to make you feel bad about something that you should not feel bad about. And Allah knows best.

May Allah make it easy for you.

***

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About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery. For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.

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