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He Promised Marriage, Then Left Me

Questioner

C

Reply Date

Nov 23, 2017

Question

Hello. I am a 22 years old university student. I don’t know how to start my question. I have never told this to anyone before. I am wearing hijab, and I am a practicing, religious girl. Or at least I used to be. One year ago, I met a guy through the internet and by talking I fell in love. Before him, I never dated anyone. He was living in another country, and we only saw each other for few days when he came to visit me. He always told me he would marry me, and I believed him. I did bad things with him, and whenever I said it was a sin, he was saying we would get married so it was okay. I was so blind and deeply in love that I believed everything he said. I made lots of sins. I didn’t have sex but everything else. I feel so regretful. He left me this summer. He said our relationship doesn’t work and our families won’t let us marry because I am sunni girl and he is shia. After he left me, I realized my huge mistakes. Everything I did was wrong, and I feel dirty. I wanted to kill myself because I feel honorless, but I know suicide is a big sin, so I haven’t done it. I went to see a psychiatrist. I only said to her that I broke up with my boyfriend. I couldn’t say how exactly I was feeling. The doctor said it was okay, I would feel better, and it was because he was my first boyfriend. But I am disgusted from myself. I ask for forgiveness from Allah after every prayer, but I don’t feel any better. I even feel like I am not clean enough to ask for forgiveness. I want to ask advice for my situation as I don’t want to go to Hell. What can I do to be forgiven? What is my punishment according to Sharia Islamic law? Should I die?

Counselor

Answer


He Promised Marriage, Then Left Me

In this counseling answer:

“Now is not the time to fall into despair and sadness, but a time to decide what direction your life is going to take. Are you going from here out to start behaving like a young lady or a careless teenager? Only you can decide what direction you will go.”


As- Salaamu ‘Alaykum sister,

In reading your question, I hear the voice of sincerity and repentance to Allah for the regretful manner you have behaved. We always have to remember that the purpose of life is to worship Allah alone and not associate partners with him, be that dead saints, good luck charms, or anything else people to turn to for help other than Allah. A person who does not worship Allah alone has committed the gravest sin, and if they die on that, they are lost. Anything under that as long as the sun sets the next day can be forgiven, in sha’ Allah.

When we worship Allah, we are essentially doing the things that Allah likes, and when we sin, we essentially do the things that displease Him. It’s important that we learn how to live a life that is pleasing to Him by submitting to the Islamic outlook on life and not popular culture, which says it’s okay to have a boyfriend, act childish, talk back to parents, not pray, not love what Allah loves and hate what Allah hates.

In order to submit to the teaching of Islam, you have to know what Islam is and that comes from correct knowledge. Places like the Islamic Online University are one of many places that you can go to learn your religion and accept it wholeheartedly. It’s important to have knowledge because ignorant people will always find themselves in a dispute about the verses of Allah and find themselves cut off from honor, self-respect and the contentment that comes from doing God’s will.

With that being said, if we are going to change our life and focus on doing the right things (like praying, going to school, being a respectful person), then we need to do it in the way Allah has taught us to do it, to the best of our ability. When we come up short, we have to recover in a way that was taught to us and not make things up. We have been taught in our religion how to seek repentance and move on with our lives while walking the straight path.

Al-Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said in his book al-Adhkar: “Know that everyone who commits a sin must hasten to repent of it. Repentance in the case of a sin involving the rights of Allah (i.e., in which no other person is affected) requires the following three conditions:

  • He must give up the sin immediately
  • He must regret what he has done
  • He must resolve not to do it again.”

Nowhere does the scholar mention to think about suicide, or go weeks depressed, or anything like that. It’s clear what the steps are. I would advise you to follow those steps and get closer to Allah. Turn a new leaf in your life and don’t look back. If you do that, it will be sufficient for you, in sha’Allah, and you can feel better because you have repented and learned from your mistake the Islamic way.

The next thing is to ask yourself how you fell in this situation and how not to fall into again. If you have parents, then I’m assuming you hide this from them, maybe even lied about where you were going. I am sure you have already heard the advice about lowering your gaze, and you rejected it. You have probably heard the advice of The Messenger of Allah that a man and a woman should not be alone because Saytan is the third party. You have heard from other Muslims how a lady should conduct herself, but you disregarded all that and spent time alone with a man.

Alhamdullilah, it seems as if Allah has covered up your sin, and you should be grateful for that. Now is not the time to fall into despair and sadness, but a time to decide what direction your life is going to take. Are you going from here out to start behaving like a young lady or a careless teenager? Only you can decide what direction you will go. I ask Allah to help you choose the right path and have you stick to it. I ask Allah to make it easy to find a way to develop your spiritual and intellectual Islamic knowledge. You can do it, in sha’ Allah, and sincerity is the first step.

It’s good practice to have the idea of the woman you want to be. If you don’t have one, then you won’t reach your potential. Do you want to be moral, respected and a business owner? Do you want to be highly educated, professional and a content worshiper of Allah? Do you want to be a stressed out person who doesn’t have the faith to face the storms life will surely send to your way? Who do you want to be, sister? Do you want to have strong faith that makes you fearless as a lion, or do you want to be a gazelle?

Essentially, a person is the manifestation of ideas in their head; therefore we have to make sure we fill our mind with good. Forgive me if any of my words were written harshly. It was written in love.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Tahsin Floyd

Tahsin Floyd has started Muslim Sober Companion.com to help offer addiction counseling, life coaching and sober companionship to Muslims. He is the addiction counselor at Islamic Online University, and a lover of foraging and Islamic wisdom.

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