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His Parents Want for Him a Syed Girl, Not Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 26, 2018

Question

As-Salamu Aleikom.

I have been together with a man for a year now, but we're living in different countries. His family comes from Syed family, and his parents expect him to marry Syed woman. We love each other and want to get married soon with our parents' blessing. What should we do to convince his parents?

I told my parents about this relationship, and they don't have any problem as he is also a Muslim. My parents are looking forward to this marriage with him so we will not commit zina. He has asked his own parents as well for permission to marry me, but things are not as good as in my family. His parents are shocked about this as they expect him to marry someone from Syed family like them (they are Pakistani).

Right now, we are just waiting for the right moment to persuade his mom (his dad passed away last January). I feel so desperate, counselor. How long should I wait? I just want to have a normal married life.

Counselor

Answer


His Parents Want for Him a Syed Girl, Not Me

In this counseling answer:

• Let him know what your feelings are regarding his mother’s refusal and discuss how the both of you want to handle this situation.

• Know yourself and what you are willing to do for this relationship.


Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear about the situation with the delay of your potential marriage. I ask Allah (swt) to choose the best for both of you.

Sister, I am sorry to hear that the man whom you want to marry cannot go ahead with the marriage due to his mother’s refusal to allow the marriage to take place. It appears that the both of you want this marriage to be successful and to have the support of both your parents and his parents. But his mother seems to put a lot of emphasis on culture and traditions. I am assuming that she lives in her home country which will make it even more of a culture shock for her to allow her son to marry someone from a different culture and different country altogether.

Surely, this predicament creates a lot of stress for the future of your relationship with this man. However, please keep in mind that if you both want the support of your parents in this marriage, it will take some time for his mother to somewhat agree and accept the idea of her daughter-in-law being completely different than what she had imagined all her life. True, this is not the best situation to be put in, but it is a reality that the both of you have to deal with. You cannot run away from it if you both want to go on with this marriage.

The first thing I would suggest is to discuss your feelings about this with your potential spouse. Let him know what your feelings are regarding his mother’s refusal and discuss how the both of you want to handle this situation. Will he take the lead regarding convincing his mother?

Will he ask other important people in his mother’s life to help him? How long will the both of you wait to make this happen?

And finally, what will happen if his mother continues to refuse? Will he still marry you?

All these questions should be discussed between you and him. Certainly, we do not want anyone to waste their time waiting for something that may not happen and have your hopes and dreams crushed. To avoid that, know exactly what the plan will be and mutually agree on it and follow it.

The second thing I would suggest is to have your own standards regarding this issue. Will you marry this man if his mother continues to refuse? How long are you willing to wait for an answer?

It’s unfortunate that a lot of women in your situation do not plan things well and put all their trust and their hopes in the man who promised that the marriage will work out, and then they get their hearts broken when he tells them that it won’t. Do not be like those women. Take things into your own hands and set a standard for yourself. Don’t keep waiting and hoping for things to happen when you feel like no progress has taken place.

Of course, in order to stay true to yourself, you also must make sure that you and your potential fiancé discuss everything above and agree on a plan of action. If you feel after some time that he is not keeping true to his word, then certainly let him know how you feel. If you still feel like things are going nowhere, then you and only you should decide whether or not you want to continue waiting or to end the relationship. Know yourself and what you are willing to do for this relationship. If you feel you are not being valued or respected, then I would recommend you not to continue this relationship with him.
May Allah (swt) help you both and chose what is best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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