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His Parents Don’t Let Him Marry Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jun 12, 2018

Question

As-Salamu Alaykum.

I was in a relationship with a man for 2.5 years although it was strictly friendship with the promise of marriage. I had grown very fond of him. He is a good Muslim and has helped me to become a good Muslim as well in terms of the way I think. His parents have always been supportive of him finding his own mate, or that is what he said. My parents were okay with it; however, after informing his parents, they vehemently rejected the idea simply on the grounds that he had found his own person. I spoke to his mother many times, and she always said to me that she didn't have a problem, but I learned from him and his sisters that she would make a scene about it at home.

After over a year of trying to get his parents to say okay, things steadily became worse. He informed me that he was willing to marry me regardless of their okay since in Islam he has that right and they were not giving him any proper reason for him to not marry me. All of his siblings have love marriages; two of them had to get married to their mates without their parents coming to the wedding because they were not accepting it. As things got worse, he began to have dreams that if we got married his family would fall apart. He then did istikharah and got the same dream and then ended the relationship with me. When I informed him that istikharah does not work with dreams, he indicated that his parents saying no was also a sign.

This boggles my mind because they are not giving him any reason for why they are saying no. After 2 months, I still cannot get over this person. I feel very low all the time and am tempted to contact him. I have made a lot of du’aa’ to help me get over this, but it just gets worse. What more can I do? I have submerged myself in work, taking extra courses, learning Quran and praying.

What more can I do? I feel with everything else going on in my life that Allah (SAW) has given up on me although I know that this is not true and that Allah is most Merciful.

Counselor

Answer


His Parents Don't Let Him Marry Me

In this counseling answer:

• Life will always have ups and downs, and this is just one of them for you.

• Time will heal.

• Stop all contacts with him. Rather, spend time with family and friends.


As-Salaam ’Alaykum sister,

It sounds like you have been deeply let down by this brother. In such situation, it is natural to feel hurt, confused, and even angry. However, Allah (swt) has not given up on you; rather we are the ones who give up on ourselves and Allah (swt). May Allah (swt) forgive us!

When the human is in a fragile state, we can exaggerate our feelings and lose sight of the big picture. This marriage prospect did not work and that is okay. Don’t fall into despair. If you are learning Quran and praying, then you understand that this is a chance to practice patience. The Quran is filled with many stories that teach us this lesson over and over again.

Perseverance reveals truth and benefit to the one on the journey. Life will always have ups and downs, and this is just one of them for you. Worse things can happen and do happen to others. Be grateful and recognize that Allah (swt) knows best and probably saved you from a situation which would likely cause more damage than good considering all the signposts you described.

Some tips to get over this phase and move on:

Recognize time will heal. You will not get over this overnight or in a week. Maybe you will need several months. The pain will decrease in intensity and will be less frequent over time, I promise.

• Accept that the love or attachment was real. Just because it didn’t work does not mean you two weren’t genuine and that you are not lovable. Sometimes, it is simply a learning lesson God gives us in many ways, sometimes by taking away.

Stop replaying everything and keep questioning why it didn’t work out. Accept it for what it was; a learning lesson in life. You should not have to convince anyone to be with you, nor should you marry into a family that is not fully guided by Divine principles. If it was rocky from the beginning, it was probably going to be rocky after marriage, too.

Get rid of everything that reminds you of him. Emails, texts, pictures, and objects. Remember there were good memories of course, but reminding yourself of them constantly will only make you suffer.

Stop all contact completely even when it hurts so badly and you are about to do it. Don’t do it and call upon God to ease your heart. It will only make you look weak and lack integrity. If this is really not meant to be, then be pleased with the Divine decree.

Spend time with family and friends as they will support you and help you get back to loving yourself. Remember you are lovable and valuable, and the best partner meant for you will be with you if it is ultimately Allah’s will.

Remember love is always a gift. Marriage is a gift. It is neither a privilege nor the self-defining factor of your worth. Your primary relationship is with the Divine and a husband is an extension of your Divine relationship.

Begin searching for new prospects. Now you have more wisdom and a better sense of what you need and have to offer a potential husband. Engage with caution, yet don’t be completely absent of emotion and know that there are still good brothers out there.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

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Rejected a Proposal, But Now I Regret It

The Girl Refused Me, Now She Wants My Marriage Proposal




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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