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Parents Delaying Our Marriage: What to Do?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 30, 2017

Question

Assalamu alaikum brother/sister of Islam. I am a religious girl from a religious background. Here my cousins are aalims, father, brother goes to jumah prayer. I met a guy last year and I said my parents and he said his parents as well. Both our families agreed to our relationship. I am 20 and he is 21. He is currently in a good job while studying. I am studying science as well. We meet, we go out, and we have committed sins. My family members want to get the nikah done, but his parents are telling after 6 years nikah can be done. He is scared his family members will point at him being 21 while there are his cousin sisters and brothers who are 25 and 28 still not married. He, his parents, and siblings are religious but not his family. But my family is religious. I sent his mother some mufti menk video, "Don't delay marriage" and "make haram relationship halal sooner". I cry every day and feel guilty about my sins. I want to make it halal. Even he wants to get nikah done. I explained to him this is zinah what we are doing. He agrees with me. I said him to talk again with his parents’ at least for a small nikah done. I cannot wait 6 years, maybe even 10 years for him. Because of these sins I can’t conduct and engage in my daily life properly like I was doing before the relationship. Please help me :(

Counselor

Answer


Parents Delaying Our Marriage: What to Do?

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current circumstance.

First and foremost, I am glad that you have realized your own mistakes and are seeking the right way of approaching situations. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. However, repenting and seeking Allah’s guidance and help is what Islam teaches.

Dear sister, I would like to advise you to pray and ask for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness as much as possible for the sins that you have committed. In Islam, it is considered a grave sin for a girl and a guy to be making small chat unnecessarily and flirting, let alone be alone together without a chaperone. Even two individuals who are interested in each other are advised to approach each other in a public place with friends or through mutual contacts, limiting even thoughts of sins.

Allah (swt) has placed limitations between the genders because He knows the nature of the human beings He created himself. Segregation and lowering of the gaze are the means to avoid sins.

The primary purpose of life is to please Allah (swt). Our sins take us away from Allah (swt), like you have mentioned yourself. Therefore, I would suggest that you keep away from thinking too much about him. I understand that this might be hard; however, if you realize that everything happens by the will of Allah (swt), it will be easy for you to pursue what is right and avoid what is wrong.

As for getting the guy’s side to agree to the marriage, if your parents’ interference is of no avail, then you and the guy can approach the guy’s parents along with your own parents. You must stress that delaying marriage is not at all liked in Islam and as parents, it is their responsibility to ensure that when the kids are of appropriate age, they get them married.

If the parents are concerned about education being distracted after marriage, perhaps you and your parents can provide some suggestions and discuss how they can help their children during the early years of their married life such that education will not be hindered.

In addition, you must ask Allah (swt) to ease matters for you. You should pray salat-ul-Istikhara. I cannot stress the importance of this salah. It is basically getting counseling from Allah (swt) himself.

The istikhara prayer is a very simple prayer of seeking guidance. One prays two rakats at any time that is not disliked, after which one recites the supplication of istikhara.

Therefore, if marriage with this individual is beneficial for you in this world and the afterlife, then Allah (swt) will make it easy. However, if it is not good for you, then Allah (swt) will replace it for something far better. When you are seeking Allah (swt)’s guidance and answer, you must make sure that you are happy with the guidance that Allah (swt) provides.

Please remember that the core of being a Muslim is to put your absolute trust in Allah (swt).  Accordingly, once you perform the prayer of Istikhara, you need to follow the guidance of Allah (swt) whether it means pursuing or abandoning the intended action.

Allah (swt) says in the Quran,

“And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” (65:3)

In addition, Allah (swt) says in the Quran,

“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (2: 216)

Therefore, do not obsess over him. If it is meant to happen, it will happen. In the meantime, work hard on developing your relationship with Allah (swt) and the right event will happen at the right time, in sha’ Allah.

I hope my answer provided the guidance and solution you were looking for.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Madiha Sadaf

Madiha Sadaf in an undergraduate student at the University of Ottawa, enrolled in BSc. with Major in Biology and Psychology with Minor in Health Social Sciences.

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