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She Neither Accepts Nor Rejects My Proposal

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 30, 2016

Question

As-Salaam Alaykum dear counselor. I'm Abdulhakeem from South Africa. There's a sister who was introduced to me by a friend of mine. I sincerely wish to have her as my wife because of her strong faith and her commitment to Islam. She also said that she liked me because of my commitment to deen, but the problem is that she neither said yes nor said no to my proposal. She just keeps telling that Allah knows best each time I raise the issue. It has been like this for almost 4 months now. My question is that should I continue waiting for her to say yes, or should I just shift my attention off her? Jazakallah khair.

Counselor

Answer


Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam brother,

Ma sha’ Allah, you have been introduced to a sister that you wish to pursue a marriage to and have made the proposal. She, however, has yet to accept or decline the proposal. This makes things difficult for you because you are not sure whether you should wait in the hope that she accepts your proposal, but risk that she could even decline and you are left wasting your time when you could be seeking marriage to someone else who is ready.

Marriage is recommended for us to protect us from a multitude of sins that people commit as a result of not being married. Marriage provides us with a space to be close to someone and have our needs completed which outside of marriage cannot be. This is why we are encouraged to marry young to avoid any chances of this happening. Alhamdulillah, you are seeking to meet married soon.

My advice for you is that you should not place too much pressure on her to make a decision, in case she makes a decision, that she may end up regretting, such as that you pursue a marriage and then things don’t work out, or that she says no to end the situation but then regrets not moving forward with the offer. However, you cannot just keep waiting for her, especially when you are ready to enter marriage. It’s not even fair on you to keep waiting.

Whilst you desire marriage and are not married, there is much risk of being tempted by haram to have your desires met. What you could do is have a time scale in mind that you will give her, and if she has not made a decision by then, then leave it behind and move on, seeking marriage elsewhere. Perhaps another two months or so. This is your choice, however long you feel you can wait, but always remember that the longer you continue to meet up without a decision being made, the more chance there will be to develop feelings between the two of you that will make walking away from it more difficult. This is why it is particularly important to ensure that any contact during this time is kept minimal and strictly halal, with a third person present as a protection for you and this lady in a way that is most pleasing to Allah (swt). You could also pray istikhara once you hit the point where you feel you really can’t wait any longer and ask Allah (swt) to take you away from her with ease, if it is not right for you.

You didn’t specify if you have been meeting her with her mahram present. In the hope that you are, in accordance with Islamic principles, you may also speak to her mahram, too, and find out if he has any idea from her perspective about the likelihood of a marriage moving forward. If you have not been then ensure to seek repentance and ask for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and keep any future interactions in the presence of her mahram. Remember that if you do end up seeking marriage elsewhere to do so in a halal way, meeting her only with her mahram present. This could also help overcome any obstacles in waiting for an answer as with the collaboration with her mahram could make for a quicker decision on the matter, so you can know where you stand in whether to prepare for marriage of keep looking elsewhere.

May Allah (swt) bring a righteous spouse into your life that will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

Salam,

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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