As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us with your most important question. While you did not state how long you have known him, or if he is, indeed, looking for marriage, or was just being helpful during your difficult times, it is hard to know if he is ready for marriage. While you state “I cannot think of any other man to be my husband”, perhaps it is because of the possible bond you have built up with him as he was helpful towards you at a time in your life when you needed it. On the other hand, looking at it from a practical side, you also mentioned that “I also doubt his capability in taking this forward”, and “he is very attached to his parents; sometimes I doubt if he is mature enough”. These are signs sister that you have picked up on, perhaps suggesting that indeed he is not ready for marriage. His inability to move forward, his immaturity (according to you), as well as his implied attachment to his parents, are indicators he may not be ready for marriage.
While we are to be attached to our parents as they are our parents and we love them, there are different levels of attachment which one goes through from a child into adulthood. In adulthood, the attachment is different. We are attached not because we are immature and need their support and guidance as children, but we are attached because we love, respect, and seek to please them and care for them if they are in need. I respect your observations of these issues and suggest you consider them very carefully. Perhaps making a list of what you desire in a future husband and checking off those qualities which he does possess will help you determine if he may be a suitable match for you. Again, while I realize there is an attachment you may feel towards him as he was kind to you in a time of need, this is not a criterion for choosing a marriage partner.
While your parent’s concerns regarding his income and academic level are certainly valid, they are not the sole criteria for a suitable marriage partner, nor are they the only Islamic requirements. Yes, a husband’s duty is to support his wife/family. However, some families may require a man’s income to be excessively high in order for him to marry their daughter. This is wrong; it is not Islamic and has caused much pain in our ummah and has resulted in many people remaining single due to it. SoundVision states that the “Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (deen) and character. So, my dear sister, based upon our beloved Prophet’s (PBUH), you should be seeking one who is sound in their religion and of good character. This includes a certain level of maturity and readiness.
Additionally, your parents cannot forbid you to marry someone as long as the Islamic requirements are met or force you to marry someone of their choice.
“A virgin girl came to the Prophet and told him that her father arranged a marriage that she did not like, and the Prophet gave her the choice.” (Ibn Majah)
Based on what you have told us, dear sister, it does not sound like this man is ready for marriage. I kindly suggest that you move on with your life, stay close to Allah (swt) through prayer, recitation, and dzkhir; engage yourself with other sisters for uplifting social activities as well as Islamic ones.
In addition, I recommend that you make a list of the qualities you seek in a future husband, make du’aa’ to Allah for guidance in marriage selection as well as taking a class at your local mosque on marriage & spousal selection. If your mosque does not offer these types of classes, please do study the Qur’an on this most important topic as well as other reputable sources.
The right man will come along sister. in sha’ Allah; you must be patient and have trust and faith in Allah’s decree, for whatever Allah intends for us will not pass us by, and whatever Allah wills for us, nothing can interfere. You are in our prayers.
Please let us know how you are doing.
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