My Big Dilemma: Marry or Not to Marry? | About Islam
Home > Ask the Counselor > Want to Get Married > My Big Dilemma: Marry or Not to Marry?

My Big Dilemma: Marry or Not to Marry?

Questioner

R

Reply Date

Jun 30, 2017

Question

My parents are not in favor of a proposal that I really want to pursue. They state educational qualifications and financial status as reasons. I like the guy, he is religiously ok, but my family is least interested in the alliance. They are trying to make me see the practical side. I am in a dilemma now. Not only does my parents’ position worry me, but I also doubt his capability in taking this forward. He is very attached to his parents; sometimes I doubt whether he is mature enough! I know him for a while, and I really can’t imagine any other man in my life. He has helped me out a lot during many difficult times (we are not in a relationship!). But lately, I talked to him about how my parents were still adamant in their stand and told him about other issues at home. I was a little depressed, and I think he panicked and said everything to his parents. They called my home and "advised" my parents. These led to a lot of problems in my home, and I stopped all contact with him. I really cannot forgive him for that, but I cannot think of any other man to be my husband too. Please help me with some advice.

Counselor

Answer


My Big Dilemma: Marry or Not to Marry?

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your most important question. While you did not state how long you have known him, or if he is, indeed, looking for marriage, or was just being helpful during your difficult times, it is hard to know if he is ready for marriage. While you state “I cannot think of any other man to be my husband”, perhaps it is because of the possible bond you have built up with him as he was helpful towards you at a time in your life when you needed it. On the other hand, looking at it from a practical side, you also mentioned that “I also doubt his capability in taking this forward”, and “he is very attached to his parents; sometimes I doubt if he is mature enough”. These are signs sister that you have picked up on, perhaps suggesting that indeed he is not ready for marriage. His inability to move forward, his immaturity (according to you), as well as his implied attachment to his parents, are indicators he may not be ready for marriage.

While we are to be attached to our parents as they are our parents and we love them, there are different levels of attachment which one goes through from a child into adulthood. In adulthood, the attachment is different. We are attached not because we are immature and need their support and guidance as children, but we are attached because we love, respect, and seek to please them and care for them if they are in need. I respect your observations of these issues and suggest you consider them very carefully. Perhaps making a list of what you desire in a future husband and checking off those qualities which he does possess will help you determine if he may be a suitable match for you. Again, while I realize there is an attachment you may feel towards him as he was kind to you in a time of need, this is not a criterion for choosing a marriage partner.

While your parent’s concerns regarding his income and academic level are certainly valid, they are not the sole criteria for a suitable marriage partner, nor are they the only Islamic requirements. Yes, a husband’s duty is to support his wife/family. However, some families may require a man’s income to be excessively high in order for him to marry their daughter. This is wrong; it is not Islamic and has caused much pain in our ummah and has resulted in many people remaining single due to it. SoundVision states that the “Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (deen) and character. So, my dear sister, based upon our beloved Prophet’s (PBUH), you should be seeking one who is sound in their religion and of good character. This includes a certain level of maturity and readiness.

Additionally, your parents cannot forbid you to marry someone as long as the Islamic requirements are met or force you to marry someone of their choice.

“A virgin girl came to the Prophet and told him that her father arranged a marriage that she did not like, and the Prophet gave her the choice.” (Ibn Majah)

Based on what you have told us, dear sister, it does not sound like this man is ready for marriage. I kindly suggest that you move on with your life, stay close to Allah (swt) through prayer, recitation, and dzkhir; engage yourself with other sisters for uplifting social activities as well as Islamic ones.

In addition, I recommend that you make a list of the qualities you seek in a future husband, make du’aa’ to Allah for guidance in marriage selection as well as taking a class at your local mosque on marriage & spousal selection. If your mosque does not offer these types of classes, please do study the Qur’an on this most important topic as well as other reputable sources.

The right man will come along sister. in sha’ Allah; you must be patient and have trust and faith in Allah’s decree, for whatever Allah intends for us will not pass us by, and whatever Allah wills for us, nothing can interfere. You are in our prayers.

Please let us know how you are doing.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

Add Comment


find out more!