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Marry Me or Not? My Fiancé is Confused

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 20, 2018

Question

Assalamu alaikum! I have been in a serious relationship for nearly 7 months. I knew this guy as a friend for some time and I felt he was the right match for me. I proposed to him and asked whether he felt the same way. He said yes and he said he was in fear to ask me, I might say no and end our friendship. Soon the very next day I told my parents and he told his parents and we officially got approval from both the families. He wanted to get the nikah done soon, but as my elder sister’s marriage got postponed, I asked him to wait.

I really do love him and I know and feel he does the same. But for nearly 3 months, he has a confusion whether to get married to me or not. He says, he can’t see me as a wife or can’t even feel me as a wife when he touches me. He thinks I deserve a better person. But he says he loves me so much. I really want to get married to him as I have already let him touch me, but we didn’t do any intercourse. I know we did wrong and Allah might be punishing us. But we asked forgiveness from Allah and never repeated again. But because of this, I can’t forget him and get married to another. I can’t lie to another person and ruin his life. I want to make my current fiancé see me as his wife and get married to me. What should I do? I am fasting every day possible and praying Thahajjud asking Allah’s help to make him mine. Before I started this relationship I prayed Isthihara to get Allah’s blessings, after that only I told my parents.

I really don’t know what to do. If I am getting married, I should get married to him as I have already done what I should not have done. I can’t get married to someone else and live with the guilt. Please advise me. What can I do to convince him to see me and feel me as his wife not just as a friend?

Counselor

Answer


Marry Me or Not? My Fiancé is Confused

In this counseling answer:

• Feeling guilty may be the reason he feels this way. Perhaps he felt that there was not enough advocacy done for the marriage.

• As long as you sought Allah’s forgiveness and repented, you need to move forward.

• Don’t delay the marriage; talk to your parents.

• Even though you did wrong by letting this boy touch you, this should not affect a future marriage to someone else.


As-salaam Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. I can understand your confusion over the situation regarding the marriage. At one point you both were going to get married and everything was going fine. Now, all of a sudden, he states that he cannot see you as a wife or even feel you as a wife and that you deserve a better person.

Keeping Intentions Pure

Sister, you stated that you have been in a serious relationship for nearly 7 months. I don’t know what “serious” means but as you know we are to keep our relationships halal, meaning we are not to touch one another or be alone together. It is against Islamic principles.

It is good that you got to know him to the point where you both feel that you wanted to get married. Insha’Allah you did not do anything haram up until that point. You did state, however, that you touched each other and I think this happened after the marriage was postponed. As you know that is haram. Perhaps he is now feeling guilt due to both of your haram behaviors with each other.

You stated he changed, and now he does not see you as his wife or feels he is not good enough for you. Feeling guilty may be the reason he feels this way. Perhaps he felt that there was not enough advocacy done for the marriage. In any case, please do ask him to elaborate on his reasons why (in a halal manner). Knowing why will help you either move forward with the marriage -or move on.

Sister, as long as you sought Allah’s forgiveness and repented, you need to move forward. We all make mistakes and that is why Allah is merciful and forgiving. Allah swt knows that we are not perfect and that we are striving. However, I would highly encourage you to cut off any physical relationships with him until you are married.

If you want Allah to bless this possible marriage, then you must earn these blessings by keeping a relationship halal. Whether or not your fiancee has repented you do not know. However, you may want to suggest to him that you do still want to marry and seek the blessings of Allah.   Kindly suggest to him insha’Allah, that if he has not repented doing so. Please do remind him that what you both did was haram, that you have repented, and that Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive. Indicate that if you both have sincerely repented, you would like to start on a fresh note. Inform him you will talk to your parents about a marriage date.

Marriage is Not to be Delayed

Sister, I will kindly encourage you to speak with your parents as soon as possible insha’Allah. Explain to them that you need to get married as soon as possible. You stated that your older sister’s marriage got postponed. however, I do not know why you had to wait because her marriage was postponed.


Check out this counseling video:


We are encouraged in Islam to marry as soon as possible and not to put it off. It is situations such as your and your fiancee getting intimate, which is the reason why getting married as soon as possible is the best. It is a safeguard and protection. While I don’t know the circumstances and it may have been due to finances, you and your fiance should have gotten married when you had set the date regardless of whether or not your sister got married.

Please do speak to your fiancee about repenting, as well and starting on a new note. Speak to your parents about getting married as soon as possible and please do make dua to Allah to bless you and your fiancee’s future from this day forward.

Repentance and Moving Forward

In regards to the situation that you do not marry him, you can marry somebody else insha’Allah. Allah Knows Best. Even though you did wrong by letting this boy touch you, this should not affect a future marriage to someone else. We all sin and do things that are wrong; however, we do ask for forgiveness from Allah.  When we do sincerely repent, Allah in His mercy, has promised us He will forgive us. If the case is that you are to be married to somebody else, you do not tell this person of your past. When we have committed a sin and we sincerely seek repentance, Allah covers our sin. We are not to disclose it.

As you have sincerely repented, I kindly suggest sister that you put this in the past. Put it behind you and move forward, never to speak about it again. When Allah blesses us with forgiveness, we do not hang on to our sins worrying about them and disclosing them to others.

We trust in Allah and are grateful to Allah for the opportunity to be forgiven, and we move on. Insha’Allah both you and your current fiancee will handle this from a more halal perspective, seek forgiveness and marry as soon as possible regardless of your sister. You are in our prayers we wish you the best.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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