As-Salamu ‘Alaikum my dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us with your most important question. First of all, congratulations and welcome to Islam. May Allah bless your path, grant ease, and bless you abundantly. In regards to your situation with the man, it appears from what you stated that he is, indeed, not ready for marriage based on his conflicting messages to you and asking you to wait for two years. While cultural differences may be present, they should not be what binds or separates two people. Marriage is a mercy from Allah and one should marry for the sake of Allah with Islamic principles at its foundation.
As you are a new revert to Islam, I kindly suggest sister that you study (if you have not already) about marriage in Islam as well as the rights of a woman in marriage. As you have come from a conservative background, it is natural that you expect marriage from this man, and for him to “step up to the plate” in regards to proposing to you and marrying you in the correct Islamic way. There is no explanation from him which would be considered valid to wait for 2 years.
There is a hadith which states: ‘“Make the marriage well-known and announce it.” Generally, in Islam, it is not good to wait years to marry once one has found a suitable partner. However, the man whom desires to marry you insists that you wait for two years and has also requested that “you shouldn’t spread the word about your conversion”. Why would he not want you to speak about the most glorious gift from Allah of reverting to Islam? These are big red flags, my dear sister. Please, see AboutIslam’s article on “Advice to New Muslimah’s Considering Marriage”. It has a wealth of very valuable information which I feel, in sha’ Allah, you will find helpful.
In writing, you have correctly analyzed your own issue with great insight. I think sister you already know the answer is to let this man go, which you have already started to do. I know it’s painful as you feel an attachment to him; however, with much prayer, du’aa’ to Allah (SWT), you will heal from this hurt and lose this attachment to him and later be blessed with the man whom Allah has chosen for you – a man who honors your reversion to Islam; a man who respects you and will come to meet your family with joy, asking for your hand in marriage.
In conclusion sister, please follow your common sense in this matter. I would kindly suggest, in sha’ Allah, that you move on with your life and put this behind you. He is clearly not ready for marriage and to keep pursing him may bring you more problems and heartache. Allah knows best. Immerse yourself in studying Islam, making good friends in your Islamic community, join sister groups to learn, and enjoy social outings. In time, your pain will disappear and you will experience a true and sincere proposal in sha’ Allah from a man who is worthy of your time and efforts.
We wish you the best. Please let us know how you are doing. You are in our prayers.
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