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I’m Not Ready For Marriage, But My Parents Force Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 15, 2018

Question

Assalam Alekum.

I am 24 and a half years old. I am a working women. I have a decent earning and I like my corporate job. I have been earning for a few years now. As you can tell by the subject, I am not interested in getting married right now. From childhood, I have never really been the kind of girl that used to sit and dream about her wedding day. I have always had bigger dreams.

However, my parents have been emotionally blackmailing, mentally harassing and forcing me to get married for the past 3 years. But I don't want to get married now. I have an age goal of when I see myself married and that is 2-3 years down the line. I have tried to tell them many ways that I don't want to get married now, but they will not listen.

I don't understand why the biggest supporters in my life are hurting me so much. Every day at home I go through hell. It’s difficult to live in this house anymore. Many times I have contemplated to leave and stay in a hostel, but then I keep thinking about what would happen if I leave, even though I have two more younger siblings to take care of them. I still stay, I don't know what for.

My parents have emotionally blackmailed me to agree to a guy they found on shaadi.com. My parents had created a profile for me on the website without telling me, uploaded my pictures and invited many suitors to our home. I never knew about this except a few hours or the night before.

They invited the whole family and made it official. I got engaged to the guy, unwillingly. Even though at the time I felt it was a big mistake. I was not happy that day and all the guests could tell by the sad expression on my face.

The guy’s family is from a very humble and sensible household. The guy I’m engaged to be also very sensitive to some extent. He is working and has no problem with me working. But I still feel in my heart that this marriage is wrong. I did istikhara few times, but I don’t know what to expect.

In my heart, I never had a positive feeling towards marrying early. I'm not scared of marriage or responsibilities. I know marriage is a good thing and I do want to start a family at my own time with a good Muslim guy of my choice, inshallah.

I am not a feminist type of girl who hates men, or kids or shuns relationships. It’s just that I want time for myself now. I haven't been the luckiest when it came to getting the job I have currently because of that I have not had the freedom to do things I wanted.

I feel like my parents have a dog leash around my neck and are extremely aggressive when it comes to matters related to me. They're not like that with my siblings. Maybe it’s because I am more free-spirited and they're overprotective. But I still feel what they are doing is wrong.

My wedding is in a month. I still can’t convince myself of this marriage. I have not shared my feelings with anyone till now. My parents have tried to convince me in many ways. My father said that girls in our community who don’t get married by a certain age end up being sad, depressed, whimsical women who are desperate to throw themselves at any man without considering if he is Muslim or not. He also said getting married late means that the choices I have will become limited and the quality of good men will decrease as haram options have been open to them for a longer time.

I agree to all of this but I still don’t think that is the reason I should get married now. My mom has gone to the extent of saying that she will force me to get married to whoever it is who knocks the door next whether he is good or bad. She can be very vile and abusive. I can’t stand the hurtful way she talks to me. They are also very triggered by the fact that one of my older cousin sisters who is 32 years is still single and is not finding good men to get married to now. They say she was picky when she was younger and rejected even good matches.

I am really suffering mentally. The person I’m marrying is also aware that I’m not interested and he isn't happy about it either. He feels like he is stuck in this horrible situation. I don’t want to spoil his life. I have absolutely no attraction towards him and I don’t want this to be a problem in the future.

My parents themselves have had a very rough start in their marriage. It came to the point of divorce when I was a baby. My dad was very abusive and used to beet my mom. I remember from my childhood; I feel this has had an effect on me in some way. But I’m still not against the idea of marriage. But because of this, they think that my life is going to have the same hardships and that’s why they are doing this.

Counselor

Answer


I'm Not Ready For Marriage, But My Parents Force Me

As-Salamu Aleikom,

In this counseling answer, you will learn:

Can parents force their child to get married?

How can you decide when you are ready for a marriage?

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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