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I’m Not a Virgin; I Feel Desperate About My Future

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jun 25, 2018

Question

Assalamu alaikum.

I have earlier submitted a question about my situation, but I fear that I was not explicit enough. Last year, I was sadly in a haram relationship. I was personally not in a great place spiritually, and at that time I didn't understand the seriousness of my sins. Actually, all my life I lived as what you could call a Muslim by name, but not much else. I had friends and family members that did not perceive having a boyfriend as a big deal. I don’t know if it was the environment or my upbringing, but sadly my path has not always been a good or the right one.

So, last year, I got to know this guy who seemed to be a really good Muslim. Praying 5 times a day, and keeping his gaze lowered. We got to know each other, and within the first weeks, he made clear that his intention was marriage. I was happy and thought to myself that I had found someone who would help me get on the straight path. After a while he started asking about my past, he would threaten me until I told him everything. So I did, and at that time I too thought that I had to tell him every single detail if I was going to marry him. I didn't know that disclosure of sin was a sin itself back then.

Maybe it was because his view of me changed, or maybe it was the fact that we delayed involving our parents, but sadly we ended up committing zina, thinking that we're guaranteed marriage, we gave in.

This was shortly after me coming "clean" about my not so great past. The following weeks and months things just got worse and worse between us. He would have angry outbreaks, he would go ranting every day about how I was a whore, and my family was all people that didn't deserve a drop of his and his families respect.

In the beginning, he would tell me that I just had to be a little patient with him and that we would become happy again. So I was. But our situation only got worse and worse, and for half a year, I endured daily mental abuse. I could wake up to about a hundred message with the same clear meaning. He looked upon me and my kin as worthless, nasty people. He was angry at me, my parents, my friends, and himself for having involved himself with a person like me and family like mine. The funny thing is that he has done his fair share of sins in his past himself, but since he is the man, that didn't weigh nearly as much on his scale.

It had a huge impact on me, it still has. I ended up going to therapy because of suicidal thoughts, no self-respect, and thoughts about my life being ruined.

Before I met him, I had actually started my journey with repenting, and changing myself for the better. I thought he would help me with that, instead, I ended up falling big time.

We ended what has left of that "relationship" about half a year ago, but he would still contact me, and ask me to consider marrying him. I always ended up telling him no, considering the fact that almost drove me to suicide by literally constantly telling me how worthless I was. (I did try to argue, to be silent, to ignore him, everything I could. Be at the end of the day he would become a completely different person and be asking me for forgiveness, telling me he couldn’t control his anger, but still wanted to marry me).

The reason for me staying that long in such a destructive relationship was, of course, the fact that I was no longer a virgin, and no one else after him would accept me because of that. But at the end, it reached a point where I had to choose to stay alive over my uncertain future.

Now, he has again contacted me, telling me that he has plans about marrying the neighbor’s daughter, who has been pious and good all her life ma shaa Allah. I would be lying if I said that that doesn't hurt me. I despair thinking about them happily together, and me watching from the sidelines, forever suffering for my sins. Don’t get me wrong, I only wish him the best, even after everything he has said to me. But I've been depressed for almost a year because of the heaviness of my sins, and the realization that I probably ruined my life, my future with my own two hands.

So, claiming that he actually still cares about me, he asked me to consider marrying him one last time. But the only reason for me to marry him would be because of my desperation about my future, considering I am no longer a virgin. At the same time, has he clearly not changed much, and I suspect that his mental abuse of me would start again, along with him forbidding me to see my parents (as a punishment if I do or say something wrong) and family (because they live near places where people from my past lives.)

For almost a year now I have been repenting daily, in every dua I say after my prayers. I have been giving to charity whenever I can, and just generally trying to be a better Muslim. But my depression gets the best of me, and I wonder if marrying him would at least grant me marriage itself, and later children. Because I feel like I lost all of that now. I just feel trapped and helpless, and in need of guidance which is why I am submitting a question here again.

Counselor

Answer


I’m Not a Virgin; I Feel Desperate About My Future

In this counseling answer:

• Please sit down and reflect upon the relationship. Make a list of all the things that he has done to hurt you. Write down the attributes of his personality that are good and those that are negative.

• Allah tells us He will forgive us if we sincerely repent. So the question is a sister if Allah has forgiven you why can’t you forgive yourself?

• The next time you meet somebody insha’Allah, please do ensure that they are of good character.

• Seek counseling.


As Salamu Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing again explaining your situation a bit more clearly. From reading your question and your concerns and all that you have been through, I am wondering if you are looking at the situation clearly. You state that this boy still claims that he loves you, but he is still the same abusive, manipulative person.

Not Everyone Who Looks Pious is Pious

He even told you his plans to marry the neighbor’s daughter who has been “pious and good” all of her life. I first want to point out that even though somebody may seem to be pious and good all of their lives doesn’t necessarily mean that they have.

Actually, none of us have. We all have times where we fall short, where we sin and do things we shouldn’t. And insha’Allah, when we realize that we have done wrong, we seek sincere repentance from Allah. So, I just wanted to point out that her being pious and good may be true to a certain degree or it may not.

I don’t know if his boy told you she’s pious to make you feel bad or if you just think she is. Whatever the case, it is no reflection upon who you are.

The Prophet’s Wives Were Not Virgins

In regards to being pious and a good person, you discussed yourself by stating “The reason for me staying that long in such a destructive relationship was, of course, the fact that I was no longer a virgin, and no one else after him would accept me because of that”.

Sister, I sincerely hope you do not believe that. Who told you that?  Did you know that the wives of our beloved Prophet were not virgins except for one?

Aisha daughter of Abu Bakr for example, was the youngest wife of the Prophet and was the only wife who had been unmarried before.”

It appears to me sister that if you are being told you will not find a good pious husband because you are not a virgin, someone does not know of the Prophet (PBUH). Perhaps it is this boy who has told you this or others who are following a culture and not Islamic values, I do not know. Please, do read more about our beloved Prophet and how he lived, treated others and treated his wives.


Check out this counseling video:


Reflect Upon Your Experiences with This Man

Looking at the situation through a clear lens, it’s obvious to see that this boy is very cruel, self-righteous, angry, and abusive. You state that he talks very nasty about you and your family, that he always has angry outbursts calling you a whore and saying that your family was people that didn’t deserve a drop of respect from him or his family.

As a Muslim sister, I asked you, how arrogant is that? Do you really want to be with someone who is not only abusive but he’s very arrogant as well? Allah hates those who are arrogant and put themselves above others.

While I understand the emotional attachment you may have to him I would like you to insha’Allah, please sit down and reflect upon the relationship. Make a list of all the things that he has done to hurt you. Write down the attributes of his personality that are good and those that are negative.

You stated that you wanted to marry him, possibly to ensure that you would be married and have children. Sister, I kindly ask you to really think about this.

What kind of life do you think that you and your children would have? Just based on the brief information that you gave, it appears that this is a marriage that would be filled with abuse. It seems that it would not only be mentally and emotionally abusive, but it could possibly be physically abusive as well. Who would want to have a marriage like that?

Allah Forgives All Sins

Sister, I understand you carry a lot of guilt hurt and pain over your past actions. However, your past does not define who you are now. You have given your sins to Allah in sincere repentance. You prayed for forgiveness. You know that Allah is most merciful and most forgiving. And you also know that Allah loves to forgive. Insha’Allah, Allah has forgiven you.

Allah tells us He will forgive us if we sincerely repent. So the question is a sister if Allah has forgiven you why can’t you forgive yourself? The only hindrance to you being happy and going on with a successful future, and insha’Allah getting married to a wonderful man, is your inability to let go of the past and forgive yourself.

Sister, you are only 21 years old. You are very young, and based on reading your question you love and fear Allah very much.

Let Go Off This Toxic Relationship

Sister, you made mistakes, you sin like all of us. You are human.  Most important is that you sincerely repented. Please, insha’Allah, let go of your past, let go of the sins.

I could kindly advise again, that you let go of this boy as he is toxic. You deserve someone so much better than him. While you may not realize it, you have so much to offer a pious Muslim husband. You seek to learn more of Islam, you seek to be a better Muslim (as we all should seek). You have much sorrow and guilt in your heart for the past things that you have done. That shows that your heart is soft and is not hardened like a rock.

The boy, on the other hand, appears to have a hardened heart. Not only is he cruel and abusive and arrogant, it also seems he does not fear Allah. You don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t fear Allah. It could lead you into greater dangers and to greater depths of separation from Allah.

You deserve a husband who loves and fears Allah, one who follows the Sunnah of the Prophet Mohammad and looks to how he treated his wives. You deserve so much, but because of your mistakes and because of this boy you feel that you deserve nothing good.

Start a New Page in Your Life

Sister, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you just start fresh. Learn from this experience, but do not let it consume your life. I’m not going to go into talking about things that are haram, you already know that. What I’m going to suggest is that you learn from the past concerning men insha’Allah.

The next time you meet somebody insha’Allah, please do ensure that they are of good character. This may be done through your parents or an imam or others who may know of him. Ask questions, have your family or Muslims who you are close to intervening on your behalf. Please, do know about the person you intend to marry because too many times wolves come in sheep’s clothing.

Inshallah, when you begin to view yourself in a new light when you let go of your past with this boy, you will begin to blossom like a rose. As you begin to understand the beauty of your own self in your humbleness and in your quest for Allah’s love and approval, insha’Allah you will begin to unfold like a butterfly.

Seek Counseling for Depression

Sister, if you find you cannot get through this depression, please do seek professional counseling again. You stated that you saw a therapist before for depression. Please, do get in touch with your therapist to continue your healing journey.

If you feel suicidal, please contact the suicide hotline.

I have faith and confidence that you will get through this. Insha’Allah, you will be able to step back and see the truth of the situation through a clearer lens. Once you see this for what it is, insha’Allah you will gain a much deeper perspective and you will be happy that you invested in the efforts to do so.

May Allah help you,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Sinful Past?

She Has a Sinful Past; Shall I Marry Her?

How to Overcome Doubts About My Future Wife




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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