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I’m Bald; I Will Never Have a Wife

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A

Reply Date

Mar 19, 2017

Question

I am 30 year old, educated and jobless. For the last few years, I have been worried by my hair-loss. I have become a bald head now. I don't like to see myself in the mirror nowadays. I avoid taking photographs. It is badly affecting my self-esteem. I am still unmarried. I am worried about my marriage and so are my parents. Although we have not approached any girl, but it looks obvious that I may find it difficult to get married to the girl of our preference. It may look stupid, but it is a fact that in our societies looks is very important. To be honest, I would myself look for the most beautiful girl. We all judge on the basis of looks initially. I have been a very introvert and shy person from the beginning which has deprived me from developing any relationship with any girl. Sometimes I regret that also. Sometimes I feel I should not marry at all. But sometimes I feel alone. Please advise me about how to deal with it.

Counselor

Answer


I’m Bald; I Will Never Have a Wife

Answer:

As-Salam ‘Aleikom brother,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear that you feel this way about yourself. I will try my best to advice you, in sha’ Allah.

You are right that looks is very important in our society, unfortunately, but it is more directed on the girls rather than the boys. I understand that you feel your self-esteem is low because of your bald head, and it does not help much when your parents show that they are worried about it too.

You are ma sha’ Allah an educated man; thus, your main focus should be on finding a job. It will be a more important factor when you are looking for a girl. A man is more attractive and ready for marriage when he is financially stable, responsible, and able to support his wife/family. Do not worry about your looks as it is not going to be the major issue, in sha’ Allah.

Build confidence in yourself as confident men are more attractive than “good looking” men, trust me. When you have confidence in yourself, then you automatically have trust in your abilities. People with good level of self-confidence have a greater chance to succeed than those who don’t. The good thing is that it can be learnt like any other skill. But it cannot happen overnight; you will have to give it some time and effort.

Here are a few skills you can try to build your self-confidence:

Think Positively. Whenever you catch yourself thinking negatively or discouragingly about yourself, stop and focus on your positive skills. “I am an intelligent man and I am good at being organized and helping other people”. If you have a weakness or a doubt about yourself, take a minute and write them down on a paper and slowly try challenging them.

Set goals. When you want to achieve something, it is always good to have a lot of knowledge about the goal. If you are interested in a job and want to apply for it, then it is useful to gain as much knowledge about the company as you can. Try to get the skills that are needed for the position by doing a course, for example.

Look at your past experiences. Sometimes it is good to look at your past experiences and skills you already have to boost your confidence. Write down 8-10 things you have achieved or things you are proud of about yourself and keep it somewhere safe. Look at the list every time you doubt your abilities.

I am sure if build your self-confidence, other people will start believing in you, too. Your parents are just being parents by worrying about your marriage, but that does not mean that you have to worry about your marriage too. Your life partner is supposed to be there with you in good and bad time, so you don’t have to feel lonely.

Marriage is a beautiful bond between two people. Allah (swt) has created the man and the woman to be in peace and harmony with each other. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an:

“And one of His signs is that He has created for you, spouses from amongst yourselves so that you might take comfort in them and He has placed between you, love and mercy. In this there is surely evidence (of the truth) for the people who carefully think.” (30: 21)

Instead of worrying about whether you will find a girl who will marry you, you and your parents should start looking for the righteous girl for you. Have realistic goals and do not just look for good looks as looks will one day fade, but good personality lasts for a lifetime. A woman who is good at heart and have good manners and values is likely to be a good mother to you children in the future. Of course, you have to be attracted to the person’s looks, but the personal qualities should matter more when marrying someone.

Also, pray to Allah (swt) that you marry someone who is best for you and whom you are best to. Never underestimate the power of a prayer. The sooner you start believing in yourself, the sooner will you see positive changes in your life, in sha’ Allah.

May Allah (swt) ease your tension and grant you a righteous spouse, In sha’ Allah.

Salam,

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About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: micha.agr@gmail.com

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