I Want to Marry a Guy, but He’s Black not Asian | About Islam
Home > Ask the Counselor > Want to Get Married > I Want to Marry a Guy, but He’s Black not Asian

I Want to Marry a Guy, but He’s Black not Asian

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 09, 2017

Question

I love a black Muslim boy while myself is a Muslim Asian. We have been in love for over 8 years now. I am very happy with him. Alhamdulillah, he has very good faith and taqwa in Islam. We have never committed major zinnah. But whenever I ask him to marry me he says: „I can't now, what if I cannot make you happy; your family will never talk to me since I am black, they’ll never accept us; I am not settled, I don’t want you to be sad after marriage, etc.” So many marriage proposals come to me, but I have refused them all because I want him. I love him so so much. He has always been there for me. He is my best friend and a lot more.

Counselor

Answer


I Want to Marry a Guy, but He’s Black not Asian

In this counseling answer:

“I encourage you to speak with your parents about your desire to marry him. Ensure there is no objection due to race. Speak with the boy to inform him everything is settled on your side and proceed from there. Once he is assured he will be accepted, he will in sha’ Allah propose. However, if his lack of proposing is for a different reason, then you will know this too as he will offer more excuses.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing us.  As I understand, you met this boy 8 years ago which means you have known him since you were 12. I am wondering if you live near each other and grew up together? If this is the case and as you are both Muslims, there should be no reason why you cannot marry. However, if he is not living near you, or if he has never met your family, this may explain some of his fears and hesitation.

In Islam, there is no racism in regards to one another. Sadly, despite what the Qur’an says and despite what the Prophet (saw) said about superiority and racism, still, a lot of Muslims are racist and only approve of marriages within their own tribes or ethnicity. This is an abomination. Racism and the fear of it has and still does some terrible things to people’s psyche.

With that said, please look carefully at your family, sister; are they racist? Would they reject him? Or would they accept him lovingly with open arms as part of the family?

Some of his concerns may be valid. As 8 years is a long time, sister. You must feel very close to him. While I do not know the extent of your communications, you indicated that you both have kept things halal. Additionally, as you were only a child when you met, you are no longer a child and the time has come wherein you are both of the age to marry.

I would kindly suggest that you first discuss this with your parents to ensure that some of his reasons are not valid. If they are, you need to decide how you will handle this. Will you follow Islam or your parents?

If they have no issues with race, then you need to approach him and state that none of his reasons are valid and you wish to marry him. If he still gives excuses, then he really is not serious about marrying you, or it could be that he would have problems with his family accepting the marriage. It is hard to tell until you clear away any misconceptions that exist. Only then can you move forward with a marriage or decide that he truly is not ready and move on.

As you are getting marriage proposals now, I would seriously try to resolve this issue as soon as possible.  While I do understand your attachment and love for him, sister, you cannot get back lost time.

Therefore, I encourage you to speak with your parents about your desire to marry him. Ensure there is no objection due to race. Speak with the boy to inform him everything is settled on your side and proceed from there. Once he is assured he will be accepted, he will in sha’ Allah propose. However, if his lack of proposing is for a different reason, then you will know this too as he will offer more excuses.

Either way, it is time to move on by either marrying this boy to prevent a haram action from happening or seriously looking at other proposals, sister.

We wish you the best,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

More from sister Aisha

I’m Scared in This Hyper-Sexualized Society

 




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

Add Comment


find out more!