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I Want to Get Married, but My Father is Silent

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 13, 2018

Question

Recently, I know a man who would like to get to know me and my family for the purpose of marriage. His family and my mom have agreed to this arrangement, but my dad did not give his answer yet. He wanted to wait and see.

I have done istikhara daily for more than 1 month now and so far I feel am very calm and not scared of stepping up further in this relationship.

My mom told my dad about my istikhara prayer, but he didn't really want to listen to that. Do I have to listen to my dad's opinion or do I have to listen to my heart?

Counselor

Answer


I Want to Get Married, but My Father is Silent

In this counseling answer:

• Should you wish to pursue the marriage, then it is possible to seek an alternate mahram male to fulfill this role.

• Letting go of a child that they have cared for all their life is not easy for a parent to do.

• Seeing things from his perspective will help you to understand his own feelings also which will make it easier for you to deal with him.


Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

Alhamdulillah, you have approached this situation in the best way by beginning a potential relationship in the correct way through the family rather than being alone together. So far, your mum has approved this. You have done another good thing in making istikhara to guide you to make the best decision.

It seems you are content and happy to move on, yet your dad is unresponsive. This what causes you to unease your feeling that you would like to pursue this marriage, but are not sure about doing so without your father’s blessings.

Of course, it would make things a lot easier if he agreed also, especially as he is your wall of which it is a condition to have to get married.

Ideally, your father would be the one to film this role. However, should you wish to pursue the marriage, then it is possible to seek an alternate mahram male to fulfill this role. However, understand the this may cause serious difficulties in the family and may even cause discord between him and your mum.

Do continue to make istikhara and Allah will continue to guide you. As you do this, take some time to seriously consider the opinions. You could go ahead with the marriage, but considering you would have to have gone against your fathers when this may cause difficulties between the family.

However, you could choose to take your dads reluctance as a sign that perhaps the marriage is not meant to be. Either way, consider your options and their consequences. Also, consider which would be more pleasing to Him.

Whilst doing this, you can also think about why your father may be behaving like this. Seeing things from his perspective will help you to understand his own feelings also which will make it easier for you to deal with him. Remember that if your father accepts this man, then he will be letting you go to him. He may fear how much he can trust this man to take care of his daughter as he had done all this while.


Check this counseling video:


He may fear that this man cannot do a satisfactory job.

Letting go of a child that they have cared for all their life is not easy for a parent to do. Try to consider this and be sensitive to his feelings when dealing with this matter. Keeping this in mind will make it easier for you to approach him to discuss the matter further.

You might even invite him to meet the man and the other family himself to bring him ease and comfort by being more aware of what he is potentially releasing his daughter too. Making him a part of the process will be more likely to yield positive results as he comes to realize just how serious you are about this proposal.

May Allah guide you to make the best decision that will be most pleasing to Him. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Do All Muslims Have to Get Married?

How Does a Muslim Get Married?

Let’s Help the Youth Get Married




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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