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I Must Marry Someone From My Tribe

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jun 17, 2018

Question

Salam Alaikum. Dear counselor. I'm in a tough situation and I was wondering what I should do. I've been talking to a sister for a while now whom I'm eager to marry. I spoke with her father and he seemed as though he was up for it as well.

Mashallah she's well-mannered with morals and etiquettes which Is something I really admire And I’m satisfied with her deen.

But the problem is, I don’t think my mother will accept her simply because she's from a different ethnic group. I've told her that the Islam in someone is what's more important but she tells me I can only marry someone from our tribe and no one else.

I just don’t want to throw everything away. Please advise me. Jazakallah Khayran

Counselor

Answer


I Must Marry Someone From My Tribe

In this counseling answer:

• A person with taqwa will be a good spouse regardless of what tribe they come from. Your parents need to understand this.

• Take someone who can support you.

• Arrange a meeting between the two families.


Wa Alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

Masha Allah, this does almost seem like an ideal situation. You are eager to marry and have found someone who you feel is the perfect match. Alhamdulillah, you have sought her hand in marriage in the appropriate way by approaching her mahram first and seeking his approval and this has been positive.

However, since she is from a different tribe you fear you will not have the support in pursuing this marriage from your family’s side. There are a few steps you can take however to make this situation easier in sha Allah.

What Matters is Taqwa

As you are aware, the most important thing is not what tribe a person is from, but their taqwa. A person with taqwa will be a good spouse regardless of what tribe they come from. There is wisdom behind why it is so explicitly stated in Islam that the tribe in which a person belongs to is irrelevant, but their deen is.

Someone who fears Allah will treat you well and fulfill their obligations as a spouse for the sake of pleasing Allah. This paves the way for a successful marriage.

Your parents need to understand that this is what will bring you happiness in the future, not what tribe she is from. If you are comfortable to bring this to them yourself, then go ahead and make this very clear.


Check out this counseling video:


Have Someone Who Supports You

Alternatively, if you don’t feel that your words will hold any gravity in them, you could take someone who can support you. Perhaps even your local imam might be a good idea as he will be able to support you with Islamic evidence for this. It will also show them that you are serious about this marriage and that you have the support of a respected person within the community.

Another thing you can do is arrange a meeting between the two families. This gives your parents, as well as hers, the chance to see each other and eschew any negative feelings towards other cultures.  They will have the opportunity to see their good points, to see that the woman you wish to marry is a good woman who will make you happy regardless of what tribe she is from.

Meeting her with her family too will also strengthen the fact that you are serious about this marriage. It will also provide the perfect opportunity to get to know about her and her family and be able to judge them for who they are rather than the tribe they are from. It promotes improved relations between the two tribes.

Pray to Allah

All this while, continue to pray to Allah to soften their hearts towards the situation and ask Allah to guide you in how best to facilitate this to make it an easier and smooth process.

May Allah soften the hearts of your parents and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Navigating the Muslim Marriage Crisis – Culture and Family Preferences

Married against Parents’ Will: What to Do?

What to Do When Parents Reject Your Choice of Spouse




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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