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I Found Out Fiancé Keeps Contact with His Ex-Girlfriend

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 10, 2018

Question

I am a P.G student. After joining the university I started liking a boy and involved my mom into it so that she could do it all in a halal way.

First, she accepted it but later on stood firm that she will never let me marry him. I loved him very much so I myself took the step and confessed my feelings to him over FB. He reciprocated back and with the time we came very close to each other and even committed the biggest sin(Astaghfar). That day after committing the sin, I came to know about his other girlfriend with whom he had told me that he had cut his ties and was wither her from past 5 years. Because I had committed such a horrible sin with him, I was convinced to accept her girlfriend on the condition that he will break his relation with her immediately.

But after some months later, he told me that he cannot do it like this and he would send his nikah proposal to that girl’s home and he is sure that the girl’s family won’t agree to this proposal. During this time, I committed that sin, again and again, believing in his nonsense. Honestly, I loved him very much and couldn’t say ‘no’ to him. Also, because I thought that perhaps this is the way by which I would have him all for myself.

During this whole time, he has also been flirting over FB with a number of girls. He even asked a girl to marry him!! I am frustrated as to what to do!! I know it is my punishment because I have crossed all the limits of deen, but now I want to have it all resolved.

He is involved with his previous girlfriend, flirting over FB and in contact with me despite whatever intimacy happened in between us. How can he do so?? I mean how can any person on earth be so bad?? Please help me out of this situation. My friends are suggesting me to leave him and I am afraid that I have been so close to him. So, how can I be this much closer to anyone else?

Also, I have read somewhere that during the Prophet’s era or during the khulafai rashdeen era, it was mandatory for such persons to get married to each other. Also, the verse of Surat Noor in the beginning, does it not apply to me also? I may not be able to accept anyone else in my life because I was strongly attached to this person.

I will wait for your suggestions and resolutions. Jazakallahu Khair

Counselor

Answer


I Found Out Fiancé Keeps Contact with His Ex-Girlfriend

In this counseling answer:

• My advice would be to stop all contact with this guy and concentrate on your studies, your future, and your parents.

• While you are healing from this abusive relationship, talk to your friends, and treat yourself well. Indulge in activities that would make you happy.


Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. From your post, it seems that you have been victimized by a womanizer and a sociopath!

In your post, you have mentioned that you started liking a boy, and wanted your mother to approve of him. However, when she rejected him for marriage to you, you expressed your love to the boy yourself. He outwardly reciprocated your feelings and eluded you into getting physically close to him. You later found out that the boy was still in contact with his old girlfriend and was also in contact with many other girls online – while even asking one to marry him.

He kept stalling you that he would get rid of his old girlfriend, but that was not his intention. You still continued to be physically close to him, thinking he would improve with time and also because you could not say “no” to him. You now realize his truth, but you feel as though you should remain with him as a punishment for your sins.

In addition, you also feel as though you cannot leave this guy because you will not be able to get physically or emotionally close to anyone else.

Get rid of this relationship as soon as possible

Sister, I absolutely feel your pain. But I think it is best that you should get out of this relationship as fast as possible! This man is only “using” you. He neither loves you nor wants to stay with you/marry you. I know deep down you realize this, but you are not ready to accept this at the moment. You want to hold on and think that if you wait long enough, this guy will come around to marrying you. But, unfortunately, sister, that will never be.

So, my advice would be to stop all contact with this guy and concentrate on your studies, your future, and your parents. You are young and you a whole life in front of you, Insha’Allah. Allah SWT will make a path for you out of this.

Here are some steps that will help you get out of this abusive relationship and help you on the road to recovery.


Check out this counseling video:


Admit that you made a mistake

Sister, we all make mistakes, because to err is human. You were young, and you went along your whims and followed you “nafs” which led you to get close to this man on a very precarious level. It was a huge mistake. And to overcome the negative feelings of making such a mistake (which makes you feel deeply guilty) It is important to first accept it. Also, accept that what you have done now cannot be undone. And you only have to move “forward” from here. There’s no point in staying where you are or looking back.

Do a Reality Check

It also seems that you are still in denial about your boyfriend’s personality. It is not easy to accept the flaws of someone you feel or once felt emotionally connected with. While you see him talking to old girlfriends and befriending new ones regularly, why are you still with him? It is loud and clear that he is not sincere with you and if he had any promises for marriage, he is only leading you on.

 Repent To Allah SWT

As you have mentioned, that you committed the “biggest” sin. And you also feel, what you are going through, has to be your fate because of the sin you have done. Sister, it is good that you realize that you have committed a grave sin. But instead of living in it, it is very important that you come out from this situation and repent to Allah SWT for the mistakes you have made. Allah SWT is Ghafoor Ur Raheem! And if you repent wholeheartedly, Allah SWT will surely heal you and help you come out of this situation InshaAllah. Do not doubt in the mercy of Allah SWT.

In the Quran, Allah SWT says,

“Say: O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”[al-Zumar 39:53]

You have mentioned in your post, that you feel as though your fate is sealed with this man. And that you should and can only marry him because those who have committed Zina, should live together. It is true that you have seen his true colors, and while he has no remorse or guilt for anything at all, you feel deeply guilty not only for committing Zina, but also for having to stay in this relationship without marriage for so long. Please do not waste any more time with him, thinking you can bound him by Islam to marry you. If he had any religious beliefs, he would not have seduced you in the first place.

Take Out Time for Self-Care

Sister, I absolutely understand that a no matter how necessary, initiating a break-up is difficult. So, I will urge you to be strong and firm about your decision about leaving this guy as soon as possible. While you are healing from this abusive relationship, talk to your friends, and treat yourself well. Indulge in activities that would make you happy. So that your emotional scars heal up quickly, InshaAllah.  If you continue to feel depressed or sad, please do go for professional psychotherapy so that you can get up back on your feet.

May Allah SWT help you.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

He Betrayed Me; I Can’t Trust Men Anymore

His Betrayal Makes Me Dislike Islam

I Love Him, but Can’t Reveal My Past




About Zainab Farrukh

"Zainab Farrukh has an MS. in Mental Health & Counseling and has been working as a counselor for over 3 years. She is also a Research Specialist working with Psychology professionals and students internationally. She has recently founded The WomeNetwork (www.thewomenetwork.com), where her goal is to help women get better at their game."

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