In this counseling answer:
• My advice would be to stop all contact with this guy and concentrate on your studies, your future, and your parents.
• While you are healing from this abusive relationship, talk to your friends, and treat yourself well. Indulge in activities that would make you happy.
Assalamu Alaikum Sister,
I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. From your post, it seems that you have been victimized by a womanizer and a sociopath!
In your post, you have mentioned that you started liking a boy, and wanted your mother to approve of him. However, when she rejected him for marriage to you, you expressed your love to the boy yourself. He outwardly reciprocated your feelings and eluded you into getting physically close to him. You later found out that the boy was still in contact with his old girlfriend and was also in contact with many other girls online – while even asking one to marry him.
He kept stalling you that he would get rid of his old girlfriend, but that was not his intention. You still continued to be physically close to him, thinking he would improve with time and also because you could not say “no” to him. You now realize his truth, but you feel as though you should remain with him as a punishment for your sins.
In addition, you also feel as though you cannot leave this guy because you will not be able to get physically or emotionally close to anyone else.
Get rid of this relationship as soon as possible
Sister, I absolutely feel your pain. But I think it is best that you should get out of this relationship as fast as possible! This man is only “using” you. He neither loves you nor wants to stay with you/marry you. I know deep down you realize this, but you are not ready to accept this at the moment. You want to hold on and think that if you wait long enough, this guy will come around to marrying you. But, unfortunately, sister, that will never be.
So, my advice would be to stop all contact with this guy and concentrate on your studies, your future, and your parents. You are young and you a whole life in front of you, Insha’Allah. Allah SWT will make a path for you out of this.
Here are some steps that will help you get out of this abusive relationship and help you on the road to recovery.
Check out this counseling video:
Admit that you made a mistake
Sister, we all make mistakes, because to err is human. You were young, and you went along your whims and followed you “nafs” which led you to get close to this man on a very precarious level. It was a huge mistake. And to overcome the negative feelings of making such a mistake (which makes you feel deeply guilty) It is important to first accept it. Also, accept that what you have done now cannot be undone. And you only have to move “forward” from here. There’s no point in staying where you are or looking back.
Do a Reality Check
It also seems that you are still in denial about your boyfriend’s personality. It is not easy to accept the flaws of someone you feel or once felt emotionally connected with. While you see him talking to old girlfriends and befriending new ones regularly, why are you still with him? It is loud and clear that he is not sincere with you and if he had any promises for marriage, he is only leading you on.
Repent To Allah SWT
As you have mentioned, that you committed the “biggest” sin. And you also feel, what you are going through, has to be your fate because of the sin you have done. Sister, it is good that you realize that you have committed a grave sin. But instead of living in it, it is very important that you come out from this situation and repent to Allah SWT for the mistakes you have made. Allah SWT is Ghafoor Ur Raheem! And if you repent wholeheartedly, Allah SWT will surely heal you and help you come out of this situation InshaAllah. Do not doubt in the mercy of Allah SWT.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“Say: O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”[al-Zumar 39:53]
You have mentioned in your post, that you feel as though your fate is sealed with this man. And that you should and can only marry him because those who have committed Zina, should live together. It is true that you have seen his true colors, and while he has no remorse or guilt for anything at all, you feel deeply guilty not only for committing Zina, but also for having to stay in this relationship without marriage for so long. Please do not waste any more time with him, thinking you can bound him by Islam to marry you. If he had any religious beliefs, he would not have seduced you in the first place.
Take Out Time for Self-Care
Sister, I absolutely understand that a no matter how necessary, initiating a break-up is difficult. So, I will urge you to be strong and firm about your decision about leaving this guy as soon as possible. While you are healing from this abusive relationship, talk to your friends, and treat yourself well. Indulge in activities that would make you happy. So that your emotional scars heal up quickly, InshaAllah. If you continue to feel depressed or sad, please do go for professional psychotherapy so that you can get up back on your feet.
May Allah SWT help you.
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