I Feel Too Shy to Propose to My Cousin | About Islam
Home > Ask the Counselor > Want to Get Married > I Feel Too Shy to Propose to My Cousin

I Feel Too Shy to Propose to My Cousin

Questioner

I

Reply Date

Feb 11, 2018

Question

I am 20 years old from Asia. I am in love with my 2nd cousin. I have never told her that I loved her. I have many friends, but not even a single female, and I do not want to be friends with any if I have her. I always lower my gaze whenever a female passes by as a sign of respect. She lives in a different country and I get to see her only once a year. We don’t communicate with each other otherwise. But whenever her family visits us, she is always looking for chances to talk to me. I am a shy person and I do not like when there are people around us when we talk. When we were kids, we spent so much time together. Even when we were preschoolers, one day at my grandma’s home, she asked me to touch her body. Of course, I didn’t know anything about what’s going on or that it was something wrong, and that never happened again. My grades are flunking constantly as I can’t do anything except worrying. She is 19 years old. I believe in my heart that Allah has made her for me. We both have the same likes, and we both used to suck thumbs when we were young. I take these as signs from Allah. I don’t know even how to talk to a female other than my mom and my sister. I think if I can tell her how I feel toward her and she does the same, I’ll be in a better situation. My grades won’t be affected and having her is all I want. I just don’t know how as we are never alone when we meet.

Counselor

Answer


marriage proposal to my cousin


In this counseling answer:

“Your mom may be a great resource in helping you facilitate a conversation with her if she is available as well as interested. These are things your mom can find out for you. While I understand you may feel shy asking your mom for help, please do remember brother that parents are there to help us, and in most cases, they do remember when they were young once too and had these feelings.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us. Often proclaiming our feelings to someone we like can be difficult, especially if we are not used to talking to someone of the opposite sex! I can understand your hesitation given the situation as well as the fact you only see her once a year.

Perhaps, as you are comfortable talking with your mom, you could express your interest in your second cousin as a possible future wife. Be prepared to discuss why you feel you are ready to be married, your understanding of the responsibilities of a husband and marriage, your future plans, as well your reasons for choosing this girl. Your parents will want to be assured you are able to take on this responsibility.

Your mom may be a great resource in helping you facilitate a conversation with her if she is available as well as interested. These are things your mom can find out for you. While I understand you may feel shy asking your mom for help, please do remember brother that parents are there to help us, and in most cases, they do remember when they were young once too and had these feelings.

Another alternative is discussing this with your sister. She could also provide feedback on how to proceed, possibly asking the girl for you or talking to your mom about it if you are too shy. One thing I would like you to remember though brother is that although you say you love her, and the perceived likes you both share may be a “sign from Allah”, you may be in fact infatuated with a past memory of her when you were growing up as she was the only female (as you stated) that you had a closeness with besides your mom and sister. Growing up together, spending time at your grandmothers, playing together as children, may all make for powerful feelings once we get older, especially if we have not had interaction with others.

However, as we grow up, we change. So while she may appear to have the same qualities you enjoyed when you were younger, she has grown up and has taken on other qualities and attributes now as a young woman. It is worth noting that if she agrees, talking with her and spending time with her will be the best way to know if you are compatible with each other. This should be done with others present as it is haram to spend time alone. Again, this is something you can discuss with your mom or sister so that the time you do spend in sha’ Allah, will be comfortable for you both.

Lastly dear brother, please do focus on your studies and bring your grades up! In contemplating marriage, you need to be prepared to provide for your wife. In order to do so, you need good grades. How embarrassing would it be if you and she did begin to talk and she (or her parents) asked about your grades? So please dear brother, instead of worrying and possibly obsessing on her to the point where in your grades fail, be happy that you have the ability to get good grades and put every effort into doing so. This is a preparation not only for a future wife but more importantly for you yourself as a young man.

Please let us know how you are doing; you are in our prayers!

 Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

 




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

Add Comment


find out more!