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I Feel Bad for Breaking Up My Engagement

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 07, 2018

Question

Assalamualaikum. I recently went to see a girl for marriage. I did like her but was not fully convinced. I told my family to go ahead with it and they formally visited the girl. However, when they came back. I felt something unusual and regretted my decision. My heart started to pound fast as if it gave me an indication that it won't be good. The following day I called it off. I felt I won't be able to keep her happy. But I am feeling bad that I broke her and her family's heart. I think I committed the biggest sin.

Counselor

Answer


I Feel Bad for Breaking Up My Engagement

In this counseling answer:

• It is important to establish as best as possible mutual commonalities and values. This can only be done by getting to know the person in a halal setting.

• Perhaps you just need to work on your confidence levels as well as your self-esteem and what you do bring to a marriage.


As Salam Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us. Brother, it is normal and natural to feel nervous and unsure when first committing to a marriage. You stated you went to see her and liked her but you were not fully convinced.

Please, look at the reasons you were not convinced. They may be valid reasons, or you may have just become nervous. Did you get to spend halal time with this girl getting to know her and asking her questions? Were you comfortable with her family? Did you talk to your parents about their impression of her and her family? Why did you feel you would not be able to make her happy?

Self Reflection

When contemplating marriage, it is important to establish as best as possible mutual commonalities and values. This can only be done by getting to know the person in a halal setting. Perhaps you did not know enough about her brother to make an informed decision thus you backed out of the marriage. While yes, it is sad that you backed out and it hurt her and the family; however, it is better to do so now than to marry knowing it will probably not work out. That could lead to deeper hurt and problems in the future.

In your case, brother, perhaps you need to do some self-reflection for future proposals as you stated you were afraid you would not be able to make her happy. This may be indicative of low self-esteem on your part or high expectations on the girl’s part.

Whatever the case may be, insha’Allah, please do evaluate what you are feeling in regards to making a potential wife happy. I am sure that insha’Allah you will make a wonderful husband. Perhaps you just need to work on your confidence levels as well as your self-esteem and what you do bring to a marriage. This is a common fear for many men seeking marriage.  However much of this fear can be reduced or eliminated by getting to know one’s intended spouse in a halal way.

Preparing for the Future

Brother, while you can’t go back in time and recant calling off the marriage, please do insha’Allah prepare for next time.  Make a list of your attributes, good qualities, abilities, as well as what you can bring to the marriage as a husband (I am sure there is a lot!). This will give you confidence. Ensure that you spend adequate time getting to know the girl and her family in a halal way so you feel comfortable in your pursuit.  Lastly and most important, seek out Allah’s signs by making Istikharah prayer.

We wish you the best, 

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Is Engagement Considered Halal Dating?

I Need to Break Off My Engagement, but I Can’t

How to Save My Engagement From Breaking Up?




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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