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How to Know She is THE One?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 19, 2017

Question

As-Salamu `Alaykum. I really thank you for this great website and may Allah let you enter Paradise for this noble work. I have a big problem: I am living in Austria and spend every summer holiday (2 months) in my home country, Egypt. There I meet my family and go out with them. Nearly every year, I fall in love with many girls I see in Egypt, but I know that this isn't love; it is only nonsense. I love a girl and after some hours when I see a more beautiful girl, I forget the old one and love the new one. So I know that it was not really love. But something happened this year. I saw my cousin for the first time because my mother had a bad relation with her cousin (the mother of my cousin) but now the relation is perfect so we visited them this year. I spent about four days with her (in the presence of her mahram). We talked about many topics: Islam, the war in Palestine, Iraq, about university, music, cars, jokes, sports and many other topics. I found her religious and very intelligent with a good character and she is also beautiful (not very beautiful, but OK). I thought a lot about her. Is she now the real love or is she like the other girls I “loved”? I think it is real love because I saw many girls afterward who were more beautiful than her, but she is still the only one in my heart. I can’t find any other girl who could make me forget her like it used to happen for many years. Then the holiday was over and I had to return back to Austria. Another cousin told me that this cousin of mine, who I feel love towards, asked what I think about her and whether I find her to be a good person. I was told that this means that she has started to love me. So when I knew this, I loved her more and more, but:-1. I am in despair; I don’t know if she is the real love. Should I try to talk to my parents and tell them that I want to marry her or is this only again a case just as the ones before?2. There is another problem. I am now 18 years old but my parents will only allow me to get married when I am about 22 years old. They say I am now too young, and I must first finish medicine at the university. But if I wait until I am 22 years old, she will be 24 years old. Most girls in my family marry when they are 20 or 21. So I think when she is 24 years old, it will be too late for me to marry her. There will surely be others who would like to marry her. I am really afraid because when I was in Egypt, during the two months, three persons visited her parents with a marriage proposal. So, how many persons will there be in 3 or 4 years? My parents also don’t want to tell her parents now that I would like to marry her because they told me that I might find a better girl. And if I found a better girl, my cousin would be really sad and would have many problems when I then don’t want to marry her. I would break her heart. So they advised me to wait until I finish my university. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Counselor

Answer


How to Know She is THE One?

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum brother,

May Allah (swt) give you wisdom and protect your tender heart!

Let me address your notion of love and “finding the one.” As you said, love is not about being infatuated or having a crush on a girl. These feelings evaporate easily and are based on your own fantasy. The reason you have “fallen in love” many times in Egypt is because of attraction and your own fantasy of who you want them to be. This is not rooted in reality but your own mind’s wishes. This is why a new stimulus (a girl) to your mind makes you forget the last girl and simulate a new fantasy.

“Finding the one” is a delusion, brother. There is no such thing, in my opinion, as finding the one perfect partner. If this was true, we would live in so much anxiety, assuming that out of the billions of people out there only one is meant for you! This is unrealistic and impractical. The reality is that there are many great potential partners for each of us in the world. It is just a matter of right timing, conditions, and choice.

Regarding your cousin, you may have genuine feelings for her because you did spend time getting to know her. However, your timing may not be suitable for marriage, considering that you are still finishing your education which your parents have advised you to focus on right now. Think about this: if you were to get married this year, where will you two live and how will you two provide the needs necessary to start a home?

I understand your fear you may miss this opportunity of marrying your cousin, but this fear is based on your incorrect belief that there is “only one true love.” Your cousin is an opportunity to be a good potential partner, but she is not the only one out there. It may not be right for you right now. You should trust that if it was best for you, the circumstances would be more accommodating, but right now it seems they are not so. Yes, she may get other suitors interested in her over the next years, but you also may meet other sisters that are great potential partners as well. You may meet one in Austria right after you finished medical school and the timing will be just right. Only God (swt) knows what is best for you. Wanting something is not the same as being the best for you, brother.

I think your parental advice, even though it may be painful, is good for you to follow. Perhaps, your cousin is not a good match for you in the long term. Even your mother’s relationship has been shaky with her mother in the past and this could be one of the reasons it may not work out. If the mothers have an issue again, it would change everything between you and your cousin. This may be a protection for you and her from God (swt).

Psychologically, I hope your idea of love and “the one” is more grounded after reading my response. Practically speaking, you do not have the means to get married and still need to finish university. If you feel really strongly about your cousin, then keep good relations and be patient. If it is what is best, it may work out sooner than you think. If not, then trust Allah (swt) that you will get married when you are ready and that there are many opportunities out there that in sha’ Allah you will encounter as you grow.

Salam,

***

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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