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How Can We Speed Up Our Marriage Process?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Oct 13, 2018

Question

I know his friend of mine for 8 years. Three years ago, he proposed me and I asked him to approach my parents. His parents are separated and he is not in touch with his father. My parents initially did not accept him because of his background, but within a year they accepted. Soon after that, his mom called my parents from Kuwait as she stays there and said she would be coming in few months and will marry us off. But she hasn’t come. She is stuck with a legal process and has a travel ban. My parents now have lost hope of this guy as there are a lot of problems with his family and they can’t marry us off without his mom. However, over time I have developed feelings for him. Now we want to get married. We cannot wait for his mom to come. Please suggest what I should do.

Counselor

Answer


How Can We Speed Up Our Marriage Process?

In this counseling answer:

“Seek Allah’s guidance through prayer, talk with your fiancé and both your parents about possible solutions. If none can be found and this man is halal for you and will make a good Islamic husband, I kindly suggest that you do not delay your marriage. It is, after all, your lives, and your right to marry.”


As Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing us. As I understand, you have someone you wish to marry whom you have known him for 8 years. Alhamdulillah sister, congratulations on your upcoming marriage, insha’Allah!

While this should be a happiest and joyous event, there are a few problems as you stated. First, your family was not going to accept him as his parents are separated and his father has lost touch. How this affects this young man’s practice of Islam and his suitability as a spouse is unknown to me and it is possibly a sign of cultural preferences and traditions rather than Islamic ones as we all stand in front of Allah alone.

With that said, I am happy dear sister to hear your family is finally applying true Islamic principles and values when it comes to situations such as your marriage.

In regards to his mom having a travel ban, did she say how long it might be?

While there seems to be much confusion around your marrying this man, if you both truly want to marry then you should insha’Allah wait until his mom is able to come. If it is an unknown or if it is very long, I would kindly suggest that you both get married now and have a walimah when she gets here so she may be part of the festivities.

If possible, you can skype her in for the wedding. While this, of course, is not optimal, it would provide marriage for you both and Islamically, we are to not put off marriage.

Another option would be for you and your family and your fiancé to fly to Kuwait and marry. Of course, I do not know the financial implications of this or if it is even a possibility.

However, as his mom has been saying she is coming month after month for over a year and a half, something does not sound right. I am not familiar with the laws in Kuwait, but a travel ban this long does not sound right. I am not sure if it has to do with the separation from her husband although I cannot see why there would be one. Or it could be something else. A year and a half is a long time to be under a ban.

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you sit down with your fiancé, your parents and his mom and discuss these options. Please do insha’Allah bring Islamic proofs as to why delaying a marriage is not good nor recommended.

Lastly, and most importantly, seek Allah’s guidance in this matter through prayer, du’aa’ and istakhara prayer. Perhaps, this is a test from Allah in regards to patients. Or perhaps it is time for you both to more actively pursue your married life regardless of who objects or who can attend.

While this is meant as no disrespect to your parents, as much honor and due respect are accorded to them, it is sometimes a wakeup call for those who seek marriage but find familial obstacles such as you are experiencing. Often times families will go back and forth on dates, details, availability and so on, while the couple who wish to be married, wait and wait till it is sorted out. This can take years!

Also, waiting until everyone else figures out what is best for them can lead to despair for the couple, as you are going through now.

Sister, please, do insha’Allah seek Allah’s guidance through prayer, talk with your fiancé and both your parents about possible solutions. If none can be found and this man is halal for you and will make a good Islamic husband, I kindly suggest that you do not delay your marriage. It is, after all, your lives, and your right to marry.

We wish you the best.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

We Want to Get Married; How to Approach My Parents?

Parents Don’t Agree to My Marriage!

My Parents Don’t Approve My Marriage, Do It Secretly?




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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