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How Can I Manage My Sex Drive?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 22, 2018

Question

Asalam o Alaikum.

I have had wild dirty thoughts from a very young age like 7 or something. I don't know why whether I had seen something like that or what I don't know. Later when I grew more I thought about sex-related activities like lying naked in bed with some man or physical touch without even knowing anything about sex. Never had even heard this word at that age.

When I read 'sex' in a dictionary, I was 13 I thought eww, this must be something haram or something non-Muslims do. I got to know about it when I was 15. I never watched porn but had thoughts which always got me wet and I was also inclined to reading erotic. But whenever I read erotic I told myself you are doing wrong so I stopped temporarily. I felt guilty. I repented.

But after some time like some months, I get aroused without any actual stimulus. I didn't see anything bad or something. So I was inclined to sin again and repeat again and the cycle continued for a long time. Until 1.5 years ago, I repented and firmly decided not to do anything like this again. No thoughts or reading and such. But now after 1.5 years, I feel such high drive but I am stopping myself from thinking or reading or acting in it but still, I keep getting wet. Just by even reading the word 'sex' or any word related to it I feel aroused. Am I sinning?

Secondly, even if I read an Islamic or scientific article on this topic, I get wet and feel genital throbbing. Have I sinned again? Do I need to repent again? I am tired. I hate sex and all. But this is so worse. I feel low and sad. Why is this happening to me? I want to stop this. Please pray for me. I feel like I am the worst person here. My friends, they are so good Muslims. This thing makes me so bad and inferior. I want to cry tons.

Counselor

Answer


How Can I Manage My Sex Drive?

In this counseling answer:

• It is absolutely normal to have sexual thoughts and urges. However, acting upon these thoughts and urges is forbidden in Islam.

• The only right solution to help you deal with your sexual desires is through getting married.


Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

I am sorry about how you are feeling. I understand from your question that you have been dealing with ‘sexual’ thoughts and feelings that are not only making you uncomfortable but are also making you feel low and worthless. You have tried to control them but yet are not able to do so. You have also repented to Allah SWT but you keep having these thoughts time and again. You are also worried that such thoughts make you a bad person or a bad Muslim.

Having Thoughts You Have No Control Over Is Not a Sin

Sister, first of all, you need to understand that it is absolutely normal to have sexual thoughts and urges. However, acting upon these thoughts and urges is forbidden in Islam.

While it is a common belief that only men have to deal with sexual urges, the same is also true for women. Women may have sexual thoughts, urges and desires, where some women experience them more that other women.

There are many things that may contribute to sexual thoughts, desires, and urges. These include hormones, hormonal changes, stress, or exposing oneself to sensory stimulation that could lead to sexual thoughts. The sensory stimulation could even be subliminal messages you view on the television. Or some romantic movies or drama serials not viewed with any ulterior motive. Yet, it is a fact that such things also lead to developing sexual urges at an unconscious level.


Check out this counseling video:


Having Sexual Thoughts Is Not a Fault or a Flaw

You have also mentioned that sometimes your body reacts to the word “sex” even though you are not viewing it any wrong way. It is possible that you have tried repressing your thoughts about sex too much and that makes your body react in such a way.

Sister, it does not make you a sinner if your body reacts to something without you intending it to. It is possible that because of the repression or past actions, your body has become classically conditioned to reacting in such a way; where the stimulus is just the word “sex”. Reading something religious about sexuality in order to enhance your knowledge about it would definitely not be considered as a sin.

MashaAllah, you’re a very self-aware and a God-fearing young lady, who is bothered by having such thoughts. May Allah SWT make it easy for you to stay on the right track. Here are a few practical suggestions to help you cope with your sexuality and thoughts that make you feel uncomfortable.

 Start Thinking and Preparing for Marriage

Sister, the only right solution to help you deal with your sexual desires is through getting married. Convey to your parents that you feel as though you are ready for marriage.

I know you are still young and must be pursuing your studies. But I am sure there are lots of men out there, who would be willing for you to continue your studies after marriage. Or perhaps, you may want to stay at home and start with your family life. Either way is fine.

Starting the search for the right guy will divert your attention from sexual thoughts. It will also make you closer to fulfilling all your sexual urges lawfully, InshaAllah.

Build a Bond with Allah SWT

MashaAllah, you are already close to Allah SWT. Being regular in prayer, supplication and repentance will help you further in controlling your Nafs and avoiding sin, InshaAllah.

According to a hadith,

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If there was a river at your door and he took a bath in it five times a day, would you notice any dirt on him?” They said, “Not a trace of dirt would be left.” The Prophet said, “That is the parable of the five prayers by which Allah removes sins.” [Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 505, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 667]

And according to the Quran,

And keep up prayer; surely prayer keeps (one) away from indecency and evil. [Surah Ankabut 29:45]

Understand That Life Is a Test

Sister, another important thing we need to understand is that this life is a test by Allah SWT where each and every one us is going through a different struggle. On the Day of Judgment, we will be judged and rewarded by Allah SWT according to how much we obeyed the commands and limits set on us by Allah SWT according to the hardship we faced. Hence, you may view the difficulties you are going through in this life as a test by Allah SWT.

Perhaps the sexual desires you feel so often is a test given to you by Allah SWT to see how you stay within the prescribed limits. While your friends or other people may not be going through the same thing.

Do Not Compare Yourself to Others

Sister, I noticed that you compared yourself to your friends in your post. While it is great that Alhamdulillah you have a pious and God-fearing circle of friends, it is not healthy for you to compare yourself or your situation to others as this could lead you to have a low self-esteem. Each and every one of us has a different situation, background etc.

So, I feel it is unfair towards you to compare yourself with others as it can cause feelings of worthlessness and feel inadequate or inferior. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you to have such thoughts. Just take care not to commit the “act” as that is when one crosses the line.

Keep asking Allah SWT for His help, guidance, and mercy, while repenting to Him. May Allah SWT keep you on the right track always and make things easy for you.

Ameen.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Busting Myths About Female Sexuality

Abnormally High Sexual Desire: Can I Masturbate?

How to Control My Sexual Fantasies?




About Zainab Farrukh

"Zainab Farrukh has an MS. in Mental Health & Counseling and has been working as a counselor for over 3 years. She is also a Research Specialist working with Psychology professionals and students internationally. She has recently founded The WomeNetwork (www.thewomenetwork.com), where her goal is to help women get better at their game."

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