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He was Forced to Marry Her but Still Wants Me

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Reply Date

Dec 23, 2016

Question

I really need some advice. I know a guy for thirteen years. He liked me for seven years, but at that time I was engaged. When my engagement broke, he asked me to marry him. I said yes because we had studied together, and I had already known him. I asked him to make our families met. All he said was that his family wanted him to marry his cousin back home in Pakistan, and that they were very close minded. He suggested to just get married which I refused because I wanted to marry him with his family's agreement.He broke his engagement by calling the girl in front of me, and he told his mom that if they didn't agree, he would leave the house. His mom got very furious and started threatening him. The guy did not share this with me thinking that I would leave him since I kept saying our families had to agree to our marriage. He went to Pakistan couple of months ago and finally got married to his cousin which he hid from me. But I found it out because my instincts kept telling me something was wrong. He was forced to marry.He contacted me and explained everything. He came back to meet me and even called his wife in front of me to prove that they hadn't had any husband-wife relationship. His wife knows about me because he called her to break the engagement and at that time he told her he loved me. Now he is married, but he wants to marry me; however, my family won’t accept him, and his family won’t accept me. My family has been already looking for husband for me. I don’t know what to do.I told him to focus on his wife now, but he said that he did not care about her, and that it was only his family’s choice, not his. He also says he wants to die instead of living a life like this where he regrets every day. Please advise me. Thank you.

Counselor

Answer


He was Forced to Marry Her but Still Wants Me

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. It is evident that you are caught in a difficult situation, and you are confused about what to do next. I ask Allah to guide you and to give you the courage to stand up for what is right with patience and perseverance.

It is obvious that this young man and his family have major communication issues which have affected their interactions with each other and their decision-making. You mentioned that the parents of this young man forced him to marry his cousin back home in Pakistan even though he did not want to marry her. When he told his parents that he did not want to marry his cousin, his mother threatened him with suicide in order to control her son’s emotions and to leave him with no choice but to go along with his parents’ wishes.This is terrible and completely unjustified.

Unfortunately as Muslims, we put a huge emphasis on obeying and respecting our parents blindly. We fail to understand that Islam is all about justice, and if there is an injustice forced upon us, we have the right to be assertive and to stand up for our rights in a respectful and kind manner.

Nevertheless, this young man went along with his parents’ wishes and married this poor young woman. As expected after the marriage, he expressed to her and to you that he does not want her. He has even humiliated her by calling her in front of you and telling her that he does not want her and did not consummate the marriage. Now despite the fact that he is married and the fact that your parents and his parents do not want you to marry him, he tells you that he wants to marry you. SubhanAllah, one dysfunction leads to another and another. Someone needs to stop this.

It is evident that this young man needs professional help, and if I were in your position, I would refer him to see a counselor because he is a victim of injustice and is also committing injustice to his wife, to himself, and even you. The Prophet (sws) said,

“Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, ‘O Allah’s Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?’ The Prophet said, ‘By preventing him from oppressing others” (Bukhari)

He told you that he “wants to die instead of living a life like this where he regrets every day.” This is a huge indicator that he is suffering and is also a huge indicator that he is in need of professional help. Refer him to seek help and stop all contact with him. He is currently not emotionally stable, and he needs to work on his deep-rooted emotional and psychological issues before he can commit to any relationship.

Also, do not forget that he is still married and that your parents and his parents do not approve of this marriage. The whole picture doesn’t look right, and it might be of your best interest to kindly and respectfully end whatever was between you and move on. He thinks that being with you will make him happy. The truth is, happiness comes from within one’s self- not from others.

I ask Allah to help him to find his inner happiness and to give him the strength to improve his situation. I also ask Allah to help you to choose what is right for you, to grant you serenity in your heart, and to send you a healthy, God-fearing husband.

Salams,

***

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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