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He Says He Loves Me, But I Wish to Run Away

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 23, 2018

Question

I am a 25-year-old working woman. My parents were looking for a suitable groom for me. But I liked someone and was adamant in marrying him. Despite my repeated persuasions, my dad wouldn't agree. The guy got tired of the drama and said he was putting an end to it. So I had to convince myself that he was not meant for me and moved on. It’s been a year since, and my parents were looking for a suitable alliance again. But I don't seem to like anyone they show me. Everyone seems shallow and superficial. Also, I was rejected twice and it stung.

The problem now is that I have received a proposal from someone I know. He is a religious guy of good character. After a long time, I thought this was a proposal worth considering. After istikhara, my mind was not clear. I informed my dad who was a bit worried about the distance.

The guy lives far away, and we have cultural differences. Also, we speak different languages. This had always bothered me. But now, when he asks me for an answer, I get scared of marriage. I don't have anything against him. But, thinking about marriage and living together scares me a lot. My mom and dad's relationship is deteriorating nowadays. My dad loves my mom, but he also gets angry and abuses her. This has been a norm after he survived a stroke. We attributed it to his illness. But his short temper makes living at home a hell. I seek refuge at my workplace often, working overtime and taking continuous shifts whenever I can. I am also under a lot of stress from my job, debts, exams etc. Sometimes I feel like I am a workaholic, and my co-workers wonder at how I keep on working. Twice I was diagnosed with depression. I was not on any medication. And now it seems like I am going that way again.

I tried to talk about my worries to the guy who proposed to me, but either he doesn't understand it properly or maybe I was not clear enough. He says everything will be resolved and he is sure that Allah would unite us. He says he likes me a lot - my deen, my attitude. It is pleasing to the ears, but the more he says he likes me, the more I want to run away. We were in the same college doing different streams. I being an introvert, stayed away from many events that involved drinking, dancing etc, and he was impressed by that I think. But I think I stayed away because I didn't like crowds and partying and all that stuff.

Imagining saying "No" to him, gives me a kind of relief. Please advise me regarding this.

Counselor

Answer


He Says He Loves Me, But I Wish to Run Away

In this counseling answer:

• Have you done istekhara a few times? Maybe you should if you haven’t done it yet.

• You should sit down and make a list of the things you like and dislike about him.

• You also have to see if you are attracted to him and if you both get along.


Salaam Alaikum Sister,

I appreciate that you wrote to us about your worries and concern. I will try my best to assist you, inshallah.

It sounds like your father is quite strict and has the last word in the house, which is quite normal in many homes in India/Pakistan. Marriage is a very serious and big decision in life, and feeling confused and doubtful make it really hard to think clearly. Your family conditions don’t make it easy either, as it tires you out when you have to work a lot to stay away from home. No man should abuse a lady, especially his own wife. I am sorry to hear that your mother has to go through an abusive marriage, and it definitely affects the children who live under the same roof too.

Abusive Father

What your father is doing to your mother is not right at all. He should not disrespect his wife. Children get affected by it and can get really depressed and anxious. That’s what I think has happened to you. You have been suffering from depression because you have witnessed what has been going on at home, which is not nice.

There is nothing you can really do about it. All you can do is to distance yourself from the situation mentally. I know it is easier said than done, but working overtime is not a solution. You are all the time thinking about it and it is affecting your health. You father is short-tempered and you never know when he gets angry and takes his frustration on your mother. It is all unpredictable. You need to think seriously about your life and what you want to do.


Check out this counseling video:


Istekhara

If Istekhara has not given you the clear sign and made your mind unsure about him, then I guess it’s a sign itself. Maybe your cultural difference and the fact that he lives far away can make your marriage difficult later. We cannot say anything for sure. Have you done istekhara a few times? Maybe you should if you haven’t done it yet.

I am glad to hear that you have a good reputation and have stayed away from the haram things when you were in college. Girl’s reputation and character are very important to guys when they want to marry. If he respects you, then he will most probably love you and treat you well as well.

Marriage

Marriage is a beautiful bond between two individuals, and Allah really like this a lot. In a marriage, you love each other, help each other and are there for each other in good and bad times.  You both are supposed to protect each other. As Allah has said in the Qur’an:

‘’They (your wives) are a clothing (covering) for you and you too are a clothing for them.’’ (Surah 2, Verse 187).

It shows how much love and respect is in this relationship. You are responsible for each other and protect each other’s honor. He already honors you and thinks you are a good girl. This respect and love will increase more in his eyes if he marries you, and he will also look after you.

You should sit down and make a list of the things you like and dislike about him. If there is no solid reason for rejecting him then I think you should accept his proposal. If he is religious, has a good character, is kind and respectful, then there should not be any problem with him.

Obviously, you also have to see if you are attracted to him and if you both get along. Marriage is such a serious decision that it can scare you away, but do not think negative, think in a positive way and try to imagine how your life will change if you have a good life partner and a friend you can share everything with, and who will be there to support and protect you. It is not easy to find many good guys nowadays, so if you think he is a good guy, then I suggest that you do not let this chance miss out.

I pray for you and hope you make the right decision for yourself, Inshallah.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

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Communication Problems in My Intercultural Marriage

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About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: [email protected]

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