In this counseling answer:
“Firstly, by narrowing down your criteria and basing your judgment just on the most important things and leaving all the smaller things. Secondly, remembering the importance of marriage and the protection it brings, regardless of if the spouse fulfills our own desirable characteristics.”
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
Marriage is a big commitment, so it’s only natural to feel anxious about who you pick to be your partner. This is someone that, in sha Allah, you will be with for the rest of your life. As a result, of course, we want to be 100% sure this person is right for us. Unfortunately, the anxieties around this can often make it difficult for people to actually find a spouse as they set their agendas too high for fear of facing disappointment in the future for some reason or another.
Obviously, you have a list of criteria that you would like your spouse to meet, but quite often we make this list too strict a guideline to ever find a spouse that ticks every single box. If there is just one thing missing, then they are ruled out and rejected. There a couple of ways to overcome this issue.
Firstly, by narrowing down your criteria and basing your judgment just on the most important things and leaving all the smaller things. Secondly, remembering the importance of marriage and the protection it brings, regardless of if the spouse fulfills our own desirable characteristics.
Regarding narrowing down your criteria, you will likely find that those small things don’t even matter anyway. You’ll discover new traits that you come to adore and the traits that you desired and he has will outshine those that he is seemingly lacking. It is said that the mat important thing to marry a man for is his piety. If you meet a man that has this characteristic then the rest is quite irrelevant.
Marrying a good pious man will enable you to lead a comfortable life with a man that will take care of you in the way it is prescribed by Allah; the most perfect way. If this is all he offers you over every thing else then you can be sure that you will happy even if he does let have all the other traits that you were hoping for.
Secondly, remember the reasons why Allah tells us to marry. Look at the numerous benefits marriage brings that would not otherwise be attained when single. Spouses are described as garments for one another in the Qur’an. Spouse protect us from committing sins as they can meet each others needs in a way that is pleasing to Allah. We all have numerous needs, emotional, physical and psychological and a spouse can provide all these.
When one is not married having these needs met is more difficult and quite frequently leads people to sin by entering into haram relationships to have them met. Having a spouse provides that sense of comfort and support on a constant basis, that is a lot more difficult to attain without being married.
May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eye.
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