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Fiancé Wants Kids, I Want to Continue My Studies

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Aug 15, 2017

Question

Salam. I’m from Jeddah. I am 18 years old. I loved a guy who is 10 years older than me. Now we are getting married by the end of this year, inshallah. I’m really happy, but at the same time, I’m very upset because I feel everything is going to change. As I’m just 18 years old, I have to continue my studies after marriage, and he would not have any problem with that, but he wants me to give birth to his child which is impossible now. He also asks me to stop my studies if I’m not going to do this. I really love him, I can't leave him. I don't know what to do. Please guide me.

Counselor

Answer


Fiancé Wants Kids, I Want to Continue My Studies

In this counseling answer:

“You must voice your expectations to your partner and request compromises so that both of you get what you need, and you will avoid resentment from the beginning of your marriage. Remember, relationships take two people to work together. In case you get pregnant before you finish your studies, don’t be afraid to keep going. Many women, alhamdulillah, pursue education after they are mothers.”


As-Salamu ’Alaikum Sister,

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Ma sha’ Allah, you were able to find someone you love at such a young age, and you are willing to take the next step and start a life and grow together. You mentioned twice how much you love him and that you “can’t live without him”, therefore you need to figure out how to cope with his expectations.

Marriage is a life time commitment and a constant exercise of giving and receiving. You and your fiancé will need to learn how to meet each other’s needs in the long run. I just spoke with a sweet auntie yesterday who has been married for 40 years, and she said the secret is in “adjusting and caring.”

The most important thing to do right now is to sit down with him for an open conversation. Don’t be afraid to tell him your wishes and plans for the future. Allow him time to share his expectations as well and avoid confrontation. The main resource for a successful marriage is good communication skills.

Let him know that you are not only an incubator for babies. You are a young woman who is aware of her wife duties, yet there is no excuse for you to stop seeking knowledge. Islam calls Muslims to pursue knowledge.

He also said,

“Allah makes the way to Jannah easy for him who treads the path in search of knowledge.” (Muslim)

The Qur’an also contains numerous references to knowledge and its importance, such as:

Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of night and day are signs for those of understanding.” (3:190)

“…Say, ‘Are those who know equal to those who do not know?…(39:9)

Allah will raise those who have believed among you and those who were given knowledge by degrees.(58:11)

He should understand your desire to get educated as well as you may understand his desire of having children while you are still in college. It is not impossible. I would suggest you both set a timeline since you are getting married at the end of the year. There is no need for you and him to have a child right away.

In fact, the first year of marriage is full of adjustments; therefore, couples should really take some time to get to know each other better and build the foundation of the relationship before adding a child to the mix. In my practice, I usually advise my clients to wait around 2-3 years before starting a family. I also understand the pressure around having children in eastern societies, thus, you will need to find a compromise and adjust to one another’s expectations.

In case you get pregnant before you finish your studies, don’t be afraid to keep going. Many women, alhamdulillah, pursue education after they are mothers. It is not impossible! In fact, you will be a better human being and mother and wife when you have more knowledge and are educated about the world around you. I am assuming you don’t work and will likely work after you finish your studies. When you are a wife, mother, and student at the same time, it is all a matter of balance with your time. Just remember not every role you have will get 100% of your resources. You will need to distribute your energy. This is why you are probably concerned with getting pregnant right away.

In conclusion, you must voice your expectations to your partner and request compromises so that both of you get what you need, and you will avoid resentment from the beginning of your marriage. Remember, relationships take two people to work together.

Salam,

***

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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