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Fiancé Cheated on Me: Shall I Trust Him?

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Dec 08, 2017

Question

Asalamu Aleikom. I am in the need of help. I am 18 and the guy I like is 28. He is one of my relatives. I live in the USA and he is in Pakistan. I know him for almost 1.5 years. I told my family about him except for my dad. Fortunately, I found out that he was cheating on me. He had sexual relationships with other girls while he was with me. He said that he left everything for me. I told my mom about that and she was fine with it. He wants to send me marriage proposal. I want to do the istikhara for my marriage, but I don't know how to do it nor my family members. I wish somebody could do that so I can take the decision. Should I trust him again? Should I marry him? Should I let him send the marriage proposal? Is he the right guy for me?

Counselor

Answer


Fiancé Cheated on Me: Shall I Trust Him?

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister, 

Thank you for writing to us. It is a difficult decision; however we can break it down as follows. What is his character? So far you have stated that he has committed zinawith other girls. While he stated he “left that for you”, what about leaving it for Islam, for Allah, for true repentance? Additionally, as you are in the USA, and some people are eager to get a visa to USA through marriage, I would be careful, very careful, especially since he has not been a practicing Muslim.

With that said dear sister, please do consider this very carefully and do makeistikhara. Onislam provides guidance here. Based on couples I have worked with, it does not seem to be an ideal situation. You need to get to know him further if you chose to marry. This can be done in halal way. Due to his committing zina and stating he “suddenly” changed is suspicious. People do not usually suddenly change sister, unless there is big reward, and even then it takes time. The benefit for him would be USA citizenship. What would be the benefit for you? You need to think about this. In addition, as you would be sponsoring him, you would be supporting him. This goes against what an Islamic marriage is. While they are many successful marriages in which people have moved to different countries to marry, they usually don’t begin with one of the fiancée’s committing zina. That is a big red flag.

You are in our prayers sister. Please let us know how you are.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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