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I Feel Ashamed of My Uneducated Fiancé

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Jun 13, 2018

Question

As-Salamu Aleikom.

I have a fiancé whom I have been dating with for six years. I used to love him, but now I rather feel irritated with many things he does. But I cannot break up with him because he helped me a lot and stood beside me many times. The reason the love reduced was because he is not educated. I told him before we started the relationship that he must go back to school if he truly wanted to marry me, and he promised he would go back to school, but now he doesn't even want me to talk about the topic. However, he always supports me in my academics pursuit. I feel embarrassed most of the time when he talks or when we go out together because his English is bad.

I feel irritated whenever the issue of marriage comes up. I love seeing couples who are both educated, especially in movies. His and my parents know that we have been dating, and his parents want me to finish my education and settle down with their son, but I don't want him because I don't know what might happen in the future. I met another guy in school. He is one of my lecturers. I love him so much, and I think he likes me too because when we are talking, he always asks me what I want from him. He wants me to say exactly how I feel for him. He always tells me indirectly that it is not taboo for a lady to ask a man out herself.

Day by day, I am getting more in love with him. I have tried all I could do to stop the feelings, but nothing works. I wish to live the rest of my life with him if he proposed to me and married me. I don't know what to do and how to go about my first love. Please, I need your advice.

Counselor

Answer


I Feel Ashamed of My Uneducated Fiancé

In this counseling answer:

• Do you really need a highly qualified partner despite the excellent character he might possess?

• Stop comparing your life with others because it will bring a fall.

• You need to decide who you want in life.


Dear sister,

Love and attraction have great depth, and the love of Allah (swt) is the most perfect that one can experience. I want you to first take a look at what is happening around you. Ask some simple questions from yourself like what is love? What are your career goals? What are the qualities you want in a life partner? Then make a list of all these answers and scrutinize them.

Assess your relationship on these. Do you really need a highly qualified partner despite the excellent character he might possess? Are you concerned with presenting your man to the world, or is it more important to look at how much he makes you happy?

Stop comparing your life with others (especially those you see in films) because it will always bring a fall. We always see and feel when someone is happier than us, but we often fail to thank Allah (swt) when we see ourselves doing better than others.


Check out this counseling video:


Life will introduce you to several kinds of individuals. Some will be good at speaking; some will excel in academics while the remaining will be good at business, or interested in working for humanity. Trust me, everyone possesses a special talent. Now, it is up to you what you want for yourself. Maybe there is someone who has a Ph.D. but mistreats you, while another loves and protects you but for some reason hasn’t obtained a college diploma. Despite, he is a hard-worker and a successful man in his field.

Six years is a long time. You need to clear your mind. Stop comparing these two boys and instead of carrying out things in such a manner, I advise you to get into a halal relationship. The purpose of marriage in Islam is family. Although every individual has the right to choose a partner, you should be more concerned about the character of the person. Islam explicitly states that when it comes to deciding on a marriage proposal/ partner, you should choose someone who is a believer: who prays, who follows the Quran and Sunnah, who is from a good and pious family and is mentally and physically fit. Islam recommends a spouse who does not mistreat his wife. Look at these aspects before taking any step.

Evil words are for evil men, and evil men are [subjected] to evil words. And good words are for good men, and good men are [an object] of good words.” (Qur’an, 24:26)

First, you need to decide who you want in your life. If it is your fiancé, talk to him about the things that disappoint you. Once again, don’t be too straightforward. Instead of saying, “I want you to improve your English before you marry me”, rephrase and say that you want him to pursue a higher degree as it will be in the greater interest of your future kids, in sha’ Allah. Let us see if he puts an effort because it is clear that he has been there with you during the tough time. This demonstrates the qualities of a true partner. Take time so that you can be clear about what qualities are more important for you.

As a matter of fact, relationships cannot last under strict conditions. You need to choose. How suitable do you think this lecture is for you? Is it only his education that inspires you, or does he possess other traits that you want in your husband? Are you marrying him for the world to see how groomed he is, or have you experienced his true care and affection? If he is really serious about marrying you, wouldn’t he make a move? You need to get over this state of confusion and talk to these guys after you are clear on what you want and how you want things to be. Take control of your life and have faith in Allah (swt) because “…Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Qur’an, 2:216) 

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Prophetcy about Future Marriage: Shall I Consider It?

How to Make Marriage Decision?

Love or Marriage: What Comes First?




About Atika Ali Hussein

Atika Ali Hussain received her BA in Social Sciences from Shaheed Zulfikar Ali Bhutto Institute of Science and Technology (SZABIST) and has 3 gold medals in Psychology. She has been working as freelance writer for 6 years for WriterBay and volunteering in an orphanage. You can contact her on her blog: www.lifelogpkblog.wordpress.com

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