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Engagement Ended Abruptly, Life Turned Upside Down

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Reply Date

Dec 29, 2017

Question

As-salamu ‘Alaikum. I'm a 23 year old girl who was engaged to a guy for 7 months. It ended very abruptly. I feel my whole life has turned upside down. I've never felt like this before. I miss him so much and have tried to contact him, but he doesn't want to. I feel empty and used because I had my hopes up. We were planning on marrying in a few months. Any tips on how can I move on? I literally cry all day; everything reminds me of him. I don't believe the break up was my fault. One minute he wanted to work it out, the next he didn't. I'm so confused and just don't want to feel hurt anymore. Any advice? Thanks.

Counselor

Answer


Engagement Ended Abruptly, Life Turned Upside Down

ِAnswer:

Wa ‘Alaykum As-Salam Sister,

When we put our time, our hope and ourselves into a future that we believe in only to discover that our future does not unfold the way we have imagined, we do become very disappointed. This is a normal human response to a life circumstance.

The rude awakening of the truth of life and the process of life itself is something beyond our control. However, the silver lining under this dark cloud is that it is the Love of Allah that is jolting you into a higher level of understanding, knowing, and consciousness.  Indeed, you may not feel this now, but you will feel it as time goes by. This event assists the soul in its own awakening and acceptance of a process that, although you cannot control, you can be part of it in an even more meaningful way.

Indeed, this is what the source of your depression is; the feelings of loss of meaning in your life. Imagining a wedding and a whole life with this other person brought a new meaning into your life.

The lesson you have awakened to is even a deeper meaning, one that cannot be shaken by the changes of time or the passing of events. This is your opportunity to feel your own core, the part of your being that is eternal.

In a strange way, these kinds of happenings actually help you mature into a woman of true substance, thus preparing you for a true marriage. Thus, you are learning the higher meaning of marriage. Indeed, even if you never marry, the thread of your being will be deeper, richer, and more connected with Allah if you do not hold on so tight to what you imagine, and let go.

Release your soul to experience what is whether you achieve earthly marriage or not; this is deen (religion), and this is the true meaning of marriage. This is your experience and you are learning the art and science of submission to the will of Allah. Submission to the will of Allah is the source of all peace.

Peace is contentment, and there can be no greater achievement than this. Peace surpasses the jubilance of joy as peace can embrace joy. Peace surpasses compassion, and even love; for when peace holds joy, compassion and love, those states of being bear real fruit. Indeed, joy is temporary if it is not in peace; compassion is self servicing and artificial if you are not content in your compassion and your giving; and love is fleeting and not settled without peace. Seek that stable Iman (faith) within yourself first, the faith that leads to peace, and accept what is.

Again, as I express so many times, prayer is the action that leads us to a settled place. If you resume your prayers, you will find that balance, those moments in between the noise in your head and your heart, with which to re-connect with Allah, which will then connect you with your own being. This is the time to do that. This is the time to reset.

Do not imagine that you can predict tomorrow. Your fiancé may call. You may have another “episode” with him, and the story may yet unfold into another chapter. By surrendering to this refining process, you will be able to proceed at the next level with him should he decide to initiate the rekindling of your relationship. What is very likely is that you will, indeed, be put on another chapter of your life.

You are a young woman, and the probability is that if this man does not initiate the rekindling of your relationship, then you will unfold into a stronger woman with a stronger faith within, in sha’ Allah, prepared to experience this next chapter of deen with a new “actor”. I use the word “actor” because, underneath it all, we are all simply souls, playing the part that Allah would have us play on His stage of Creation.

The experiences we have during the saga simply refine the soul as Allah uses those experiences to mold us into high order beings. The sharing of this experience through marriage is considered one-half of your deen because of this. Indeed, because this is life itself. In my opinion, your experience of being engaged, imagining a life with a husband, and preparing for marriage is a spiritual exercise, and you will one day see the benefit of this experience.

So much for all that “enlightenment” stuff, you want to feel better now. I understand that. You will notice from my writing that I am not a seller of quick fixes and get-self-esteem fast schemes. It’s alright to feel bad, but do not dwell on how bad you feel. shopping bags

You may be thinking to yourself that you need to get better self-esteem. The pop psychologists would tell you to love yourself and offer 10 quick ways to do that in just one week. Yet, the prophets who taught us what love really is taught us that knowing and understanding is the heart of love, and to really love someone means to know and understand that person. So, I propose that reflecting on your experience will be the path through which you will achieve self love in the healthy sense, and thus your esteem for yourself will naturally be a healthy esteem.

This is how we avoid the trap of defenses which only leads to a false sense of self, and we avoid the expression of arrogance, stubbornness, and other ills that prevent us from connecting with each other in authentic ways, thus increasing inner peace and the experience of happiness. I am not suggesting that you wallow in self-pity, but rather experience this event with a sense of existentialism and sold reflection. Use your self-nurturing techniques and treat yourself to those things that make you feel pampered and soothed while recovering from your shock. So go to the store and buy yourself some flowers, take a long shower, call a friend, and go for a long walk. Then, give your life back to Allah, surrender to what is, and see what happens. This kind of deep healing will leave the door of your heart open to your next experience and teach you how to be present for that experience so that you can continue your path of deen.

Please know you are not alone and though this may feel like the end of a life (in a way it is, so that new life can bloom), you will make it through this. You will become a more beautiful rose, with much more to give to your deen, in sha’Allah.

Please write again, hopefully within a week, as I would like to know how you are doing.

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