In this counseling answer:
• Remember, everyone has weaknesses.
• If you are already married, help your husband overcome his drinking problem.
• If you are not married yet, the door is open for you to say no to this marriage. Pray istikharah.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
It is understandable why this scenario is causing you so much distress. Of course, you want a good husband. This man seemed to meet the criteria and others seemed to testify to this, but over time he seems to have shown evidence to the contrary and this has cast doubts for you.
There are few different things to consider here. First of all, if you have done the nikkah, then in the eyes of Allah you are married regardless of whether you have done a traditional legal marriage also.
Marriage Takes Work
Either way, it is important to understand that marriages do take work and they will be testing at times, each in their own way.
Before marriage, people might often imagine a perfect marriage. Certainly, there will be times like this, but there are also hard times too. This might make marriage seem less appealing, but it is actually the testing times that can bring the couple closer to each other and closer to Allah. These are the times where a marriage is actually strengthened and will eventually improve the marriage in many cases. It is surviving these difficulties that will build the marriage.
Of course, it doesn’t seem ideal, but it requires some patience and communication between the couple. Your parents have advised you to stay with this man, and perhaps it is this wisdom that is making them say this -their understanding from experience that marriages do need to be worked on. They only want what’s best for you and wouldn’t want to see their daughter in a bad marriage. So, try to trust their words and let them support you in this.
Check out this counseling video:
Everyone Has Weaknesses
Remember that everyone has their weaknesses. In his case, it seems his drinking is the problem. Unfortunately, we often seem to let these weaknesses outshine the positive things. That is not to say that his drinking should be ignored, because it shouldn’t, but you could try approaching things in a different way.
First of all, remember that he does have good qualities too, and others seem to spurt that. So, focus on these and how they can be a source of success in your marriage.
Support Him in Giving Up Drinking
Then, regarding the drinking, as his spouse, you can be a positive influence to him. Rather than reprimanding him for it, try and support him in giving it up.
We know that drinking is haram and it is not a usual thing for a Muslim man to do. It may well be common in some cultures, but that doesn’t make it permissible. There are good reasons why Allah forbade it and you can see that first hand as a result of the consequent anger that he exhibits. Showing support to him in giving it up might make him more inclined to try. Nurture a positive attitude in the marriage as he feels supported by you.
If it were that you had not already done the nikkah, the doors would be open for you to walk away, from both an Islamic and practical perspective. However, since it seems the Nikkah is already done, it is important to try and do what you can to save the marriage before considering walking away.
Get to Know Each Other
At the moment, you haven’t been living together. This means you haven’t had the chance to see each other’s true colors, to see the positives shine also. It is difficult to build a marriage like this and can place great strain on things also.
Perhaps, since you are married in the eyes of Allah and are therefore permissible to one another, you could spend a bit more time together, to get to know each other.
You don’t necessarily have to go straight to living together at this post if it is not feasible. Perhaps you could spend a long weekend together somewhere and really get to know each other beyond the phone calls. This will give you the space to express your concerns to him, as well as see the good points that others have spoken about too.
If you fear to do this alone together, maybe you could bring your parents along for support.
Don’t Be Afraid; Other Opportunities Will Come Along
There is the fear that if you don’t continue this marriage that you will miss out on the opportunity to even get married, but this is not true. Other opportunities will come along.
But, in your case, if you have done the Nikkah already, you are married in the eyes of Allah and if you choose to leave, you would need to follow the process of divorce first before seeking another spouse.
There is great wisdom in the process of divorce in Islam as it forces the couple to think more deeply about whether they really want to divorce. It puts them in a position to at least try and make it work at first.
A divorce is an Option
Even though you have done the Nikkah already, there is the option to go for a divorce and look for marriage elsewhere, following the rulings of Islam. However, we also know that Allah does His best to protect marriage because of the huge benefits it has for everyone.
It is a difficult choice to make regarding whether to stay or go, and not one that you should just do without thinking. Take time to consider the options and make istikhara. Ask Allah to guide you to do what is best for everyone and what Allah will be most pleased with.
May Allah guide you to make the best choice and grant you a spouse who will bring you happiness in both this life and the next.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.