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Depressed: I Want to Get Married!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 05, 2017

Question

I want some help for my depression, but don’t really know how to approach it. I have been telling my mother about how my friends have been getting married, but she does not really pay heed to it, though I have already graduated. In addition, I feel I am not a good Muslim, because I don't wear hijab and I was born and brought up in a non-Islamic country. I feel so hopeless today, given up all hopes of ever getting married. I shall be left unmarried I feel. I have to confess I had a relationship in the past, but I let it go because I felt guilt inside. I can't even think of harming myself because my father is really attached to me, so it would be like harming him. Please guide me how can I come out of this mess. I can't see my father in tears, but I really wish to get married. What can I do with my mom and the whole situation? She is not bothered at all. JazakAllah khayran.

Counselor

Answer


Depressed: I Want to Get Married!

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

I hope these points of reflection and advice guide you to inner peace and patience, with God’s permission.

Getting married is a gift and trust from God (swt). It is not an obligation, nor is it a defining factor for giving yourself worth and purpose. Generally, when we feel depressed (excluding biochemical reasons), we feel a lack of purpose, value, and joy to be alive and contribute to the world.

It sounds like you are making getting married equal to life being worthy of living. This is a dangerous perspective. As you said, your parents care for you, and it would pain them greatly to see you hurt, let alone become absent from existence.

It is our duty to seek knowledge and the pleasure of the Divine as much as possible. Yes, hijab is an important milestone for Muslim women, but it should also not be the defining factor of your practice. Hijab must first be a state of mind and state of heart before it becomes a garb you put on your body. The more you grow spiritually and develop a love and bond for God (swt), the more easy wearing hijab will come to you, in sha’ Allah. For now, focus on the pillars, being kind to your parents and seeking knowledge as God (swt) commands us in the Quran to do.

Do not compare yourself to those around you! This is a pit you dig for yourself to be ungrateful to God (swt) and lack patience. Each individual has his or her own unique journey and destiny. Just because your friends are getting married does not mean you have to as well. You will get married when you are ready and when the time is right for you. You have to do your part in taking the means and developing good character that can sustain a lifelong partnership.

The first step to cultivating good character is not to be hopeless! Despair is from Satan, sister, and you are in his grasp when you lose a good opinion of God (swt) and God’s (swt) ability to do anything.

Furthermore, you must become acquainted with God’s (swt) Names. Through knowing the names you will understand God’s (swt) reality. God (swt) is Most Wise and Powerful, thus He (swt) will facilitate your marriage when it is best with who is best, in sha’ Allah. But you have to deserve it. It is not your right to get married; it is a gift and a responsibility. If you are unable to have hope and a good opinion of God (swt), what makes you think you are ready to be in a marriage? Marriage requires a lot of hope, patience, and good opinion of each other. And, of course, God (swt) must be present throughout the relationship.

Getting married is not easy if your parents are not actively participating in helping you. Perhaps, you can request involvement of other family members like uncles and aunts to advise your parents. You may also want to consult with Imams in your community and get their opinions on what to do. Keep being patient, and remember if God (swt) wants something for you, no one and nothing will stop it. Through developing your relationship with God (swt), learning Qur’an properly and its meaning, your destiny will be made clear and your prayers answered in sha’ Allah.

Salam,

***

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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