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Dad Rejects My Convert Fiancée

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 20, 2017

Question

Salam. For the past two years, I’m struggling to get the approval of my dad to marry the girl I like. She was a Christian and now accepted Islam and learning and following it. My dad, without seeing her or knowing about her, said many things such as she was not a good girl. She is a nurse. For the past two years, I’m waiting for his approval. Even when her mother asked him to change his mind, he shouted and argued. Recently, he threatened her family and then threatened me if I didn’t leave her and avoid marrying her, he would leave the family. He said he would inform everyone that I was not his son anymore and also throw me away from the family. He said he would take some people, go to her house and spoil their reputation. So, out of fear, I told him I would break the ties but I am not at all ok with it. I also said as per Islam, this all wrong. Also, if I leave her, I don’t ‘think I will be able to marry anyone else. But he does not care. For a month, her family has started seeing alliance for me and my brother. I pray so hard and believe so much in Allah that He will help me to marry her, but I’m scared if I stand up for my rights what will happen to my mom and my brother’s marriage. Please help!

Counselor

Answer



In this counseling answer:

“Clear communication will help your father understand your perspective on the matter. If you find it difficult, Involve a neutral party in the matter. It will help you clarify your position with your father. In the meantime, pray istikharah. If he still rejects your marriage, you should take steps to move in the direction of marriage, with or without the consent of your father.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Brother,

I am sorry that you are in a difficult situation. Your values seem to be in conflict – that is, you’re afraid to make your father angry and also afraid to lose the girl you want to marry. This is definitely a hard time for you since your father is not happy with the choice you have made about your future spouse. On one hand, there’s your father, a person who has brought you up and has literally given away his life supporting you to be the man you are now. Yet, on the other hand the question is about your future and about the person you want to spend your life with.

Looking at the question from an Islamic perspective, it is important that you obey your parents as well as take care of them – even if they are wrong. This is because they have bestowed so much love, energy, and efforts on you since your birth that you cannot even imagine repaying them in this life. Therefore, it is important to be compassionate with your father even though what you might be feeling for him at this time is pure anger.

Parents often forget that their children are individual people rather than an extension of themselves. The children are allowed to have their own likes, dislikes, and choices. Therefore, as far as your marriage is concerned, you have every right to marry the girl you want as long as you are sure of her piety and religion.

Communicate Effectively to Clear Your Father’s Misconceptions

Keep communication as open as you can with your dad. Only clear communication will help your father understand your perspective on the matter. Ask him to give you a chance to listen to you without judging or reacting.

It is also important to communicate to your father that you value and admire him as a father and that you will not forget your duties and responsibilities as a son regardless of who you marry. You should communicate that to him not just verbally, but also non-verbally through your actions every day.

As you have mentioned, your father seems to look down on the girl you have selected just because she is a nurse. It is important to communicate with him properly and make him realize that a girl’s reputation cannot be assigned to her profession. In fact, being a nurse makes one so compassionate and in tune with others’ needs.

Another objection which your father may have with the girl you have chosen would be that she is a new convert to Islam. For that also, it is important to make him realize that it is a blessing that she is inquisitive and she wants to learn about Islam, Ma sha’ Allah. Many women in Islam are not practicing Muslims nor have any desire to learn about Islam. Being born into a religion does not at all make them better at that religion.

Involve a Neutral Third Party

From what you have mentioned, it seems that your father’s reaction to your choice for marriage has already escalated. If trying to communicate to him aggravates him further, stop trying to convince him on the subject yourself. Involve a neutral third party who can get your message across.

Gain the support of other elders in your family whom your father respects. Ask them to help you to communicate your concerns to your father.

Involving a neutral party in the matter will help you clarify your position with your father. It seems that, at the moment, he is in complete denial of this relationship and does not want to hear anything from you. If you can use the support of other family members in the situation, it will be more manageable. For instance, you could involve your father’s parents, brothers, or sisters (if any). Similarly, you could involve your maternal relatives as your dad also threatens to leave his own family (wife and your brother) if you marry the girl.

Istikhara

If you have not already, I would suggest you perform an Istikhara and see if Allah (swt) wills for you both to be together. If you have done Istikhara, you can let your father know that you have done an istikhara for marriage to the girl – due to which Allah (swt) will guide you to only what is best for you and your family.

Be Firm and Do Not Delay Your Decision

If you are confident, that your future spouse will be a respectable woman who is supportive and helps you and your future offspring maintain the best of Deen and Duniya, you should take steps to move in the direction of marriage, with or without the consent of your father.

According to the Quran:

And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity” [24:26]

It is apparent from your question that you have been in the relationship for quite a while now (at least two years) and that you have strongly decided that she is the only girl you want to marry. Maintaining such relationships can get quite complicated as it is, for Islam does not allow free mixing of men and women before marriage. So, to save yourself from sin, it is advisable to either marry the girl as soon as possible or to separate from her completely.

Be firm about your decision to your dad and do not shy away if you have decided to marry the girl only because of the fear of what your father might do. Your dad is unlikely to hurt your family, In sha’ Allah. He seems to be a respectable man and a good Muslim. He is just angry with your decision and wants you to withdraw your decision about marrying the girl.

Pray To Allah for Good and Guidance

In the meanwhile, continue to pray to Allah Almighty to guide you and soften your father’s heart. Pray to Allah (swt) for guidance and Mercy, so that Allah (swt) guides you and your future spouse (whoever she may be) to the right path, In sha’ Allah.

It is also important to believe in Qadar (destiny). If the marriage cannot take place due to all the difficulties that arise in and between the families, take it as something destined from Allah (swt) and move on. Pray to Allah (swt) to help you find a spouse who would be more appropriate for you and your family, In sha’ Allah.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Zainab Farrukh

Zainab Farrukh has an MS. in Mental Health & Counseling and has been working as a counselor for over 3 years. She is also a Research Specialist working with Psychology professionals and students internationally. She has recently founded [http://the%20womenetwork/]The WomeNetwork (www.thewomenetwork.com), where her goal is to help women get better at their game.

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