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Cousin Emotionally Abuses Me to Marry Him

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 15, 2018

Question

I am 24. I was in a relationship for 3 years with a guy who left me recently. I love him still and I only asked him in my prayers. Still he comes in my prayers to be my future spouse. When he broke up with me after having a fight, I needed emotional support, so I contacted my cousin.

He had feelings for me from the beginning, and he got really happy. However I didn't share my personal affair with him since he is my relative and he can disclose me publicly. Secondly, he is an emotional guy. I have no feelings for my cousin, but when I was extremely depressed, his warm, caring words was like a hug to me. He expressed his feelings. I am a person who can't say no to anybody. At that time, I said yes to every of his feelings. However, I talked to him only for a week. Daily, I used to call him and he was getting more close to me. Now, he does not let me go. He is interested to marry me in the future once he gets a job. However, my first experience brought feelings of distrust for the opposite gender. I want to excel in career now rather than in relationships. During my emotional pain, he took swears from me that I would stay with him.

Naturally, people feel at peace when someone has kind and loving words for them after a heartbreak. But in heart, I was scared as I am not interested in family relations due to many factors. But the main factor is I don't trust emotional guys who get attached in a week to someone. Due to my isolation and heartbreak, His fanatic words scares me. He asked me whether I would have sex with him before marriage so that I would not be someone else's in the future. I got disturbed a lot. When today I clearly said that I was not interested in you in the future, he took 10 lexitenol tablets and was crying in the call that I would start using drugs and destroy my life if I went away. Please tell me what should I do. Please help me deal with him.

He does not listen to any of my excuses; however, I clearly said that I had no feelings and his acts scared me a lot. I don't like over obsessed people. I don't know how to deal with him. Should I change my number silently? I am scared that if he harmed himself, then I would be liable for his life. He madly says that he wants me only. Please help me!

Counselor

Answer


Cousin Emotionally Abuses Me to Marry Him

In this counseling answer:

Whilst it’s not possible to go back and change things, you can repent for these actions, avoid ending up in this situation again and seek marriage in a halal way.


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

It is understandable why you feel distressed in this situation, especially because you have now been involuntarily forced into a position where you literally feel responsible for this man’s life. It is not right that he has put you in this position. You might consider letting someone know of his suicidal intentions to begin releasing this burden from yourself because for someone to have reached the point where they feel like this, it is important that he seeks help. If he receives the help that he needs right now, then he might also stay away from you as he gets the comfort he needs from halal means.

Furthermore, it is not ok for him to make you feel like you must marry him because you do not have to marry anyone against your wishes. You do clearly state that you do not wish to pursue a marriage to him. He wanted you to engage in a haram act with him which is never a good sign of a healthy future relationship anyway because he is quite happy to encourage haram and, therefore, there is a risk that he may encourage you to engage in other haram acts in the future.


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However, to take things back, after having gone through a distressing time and breaking up with someone whom you were in a relationship with, you sought comfort from your cousin. You say that it was like a hug to you, and naturally, when going through a difficult time, any kind words from anyone will feel like this. If we go about seeking this comfort from the wrong person (i.e. someone from the opposite sex), then often inappropriate feelings will begin to develop. It seems this is the case, but not for you, but for a cousin who you approached.

Obviously, we can’t go back in time and change things, but we can learn lessons from such mistakes. It would seem that you were in a haram relationship as you were having a relationship with someone before marriage which, from an Islamic perspective, is not acceptable. Then you sought counsel from another man when things were not going ok, which has also not ended up well. I think you can learn from these two experiences why engaging in relations with members of the opposite sex outside of marriage can be harmful.

Whilst it’s not possible to go back and change this, you can repent for these actions, avoid ending up in this situation again and seek marriage in a halal way. This way, you will be able to have all your emotional and physical needs met in the appropriate way, most importantly in a way that is pleasing to Allah (swt).

For now, it is advisable that you refrain from contacting these two men as they are both currently haram to you. If you feel like you need emotional support, which you most likely do, due to the distressing nature of the situation you are in, you can seek this from another sister, either someone close like a friend or family member who can give you the support you need right now or even from sisters online if this is not something you are comfortable to talk to them about right now. You can seek comfort in the remembrance of Allah (swt) by engaging in meaningful activities like reading the Qur’an and making dhikr and making du’aa’ that He (swt) will guide you out of this situation.
May Allah (swt) help your cousin to overcome his distress, and may He (swt) bring you ease in this distressing situation. May He (swt) grant you a pious spouse that will bring you comfort and happiness.

Amin,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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