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How to Choose the Right Spouse?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Dec 13, 2017

Question

As-Salamu Alaikum. My parents are looking for a spouse for me. We belong to a family who still believes in old principles of Islam and is quite rigid about them. Many prospectus brides were contacted, but they didn't match our mindset. Now my question is, how can I decide that a girl will fit for my family in terms of Deen (religion) and Duniya (our worldly life)? What are the questions (which upon asking her will reflect her virtues) and qualities on the basis of which I can decide her inclination towards the Deen? I would be thankful if you listed out some questions which I would be able to ask. Also, my family is asking to marry my cousin (my maternal aunt's daughter) towards whom I feel no physical/mental attraction as since my childhood I have looked at her as my sister. They are insisting on this and saying it has been a practice in Islam which is acceptable and better.

Counselor

Answer


How to Choose the Right Spouse?

In this counseling answer:

“Everyone is looking for what is suitable for them and what interests them in a person. However, there is one thing that we all should look for in a partner and that is responsivenessA responsive partner is someone who understands you, validates you and makes you feel cared for. When you find a responsive person, you automatically get all the basic and most important boxes ticked.”


As Salaam ‘Alaikum,

Thank you for writing to us. We appreciate your question. I will try my best to advise you, In sha’ Allah.

First of all, there is no set rule for what is right and wrong when it comes to finding a spouse for yourself. Everyone is different and have different preferences. The most important thing is to feel attracted physically, spiritually, and emotionally to the person you want to live your life with. You cannot be happy with someone you are not interested in as a person. Marriage is all about keeping each other happy.

Everyone is looking for what is suitable for them and what interests them in a person. However, there is one thing that we all should look for in a partner and that is responsiveness. A responsive partner is someone who understands you, validates you and makes you feel cared for. When you find a responsive person, you automatically get all the basic and most important boxes ticked. A spouse is someone you are going to live the rest of your life with, and it is maybe one of the hardest decision to make when you let someone enter in your life.

You should not let everyone around you force you to marry someone you do not feel comfortable with. It is your life and you will know when you have found the right one. However, to find someone to marry is not an easy decision. So, it is good to get some help and advice from parents, relatives, an Imam and other respected and trustworthy people to help to find the righteous spouse.

Deen and Dunya are both linked to each other. In Islam, there are a few basic qualities to look for in a spouse. However, before we look at the qualities, it is necessary to ask yourself why you are getting married. 

The other question you should ask yourself is; what are you looking for in a spouse? When you know what you are looking for, then it is easier to look for the right qualities and ask the right questions.

Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty, and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).

The most basic thing is to find a wife who pleases you and also whom you think can be a good mother to your children. It is the mother who spends most of the time with the children. If she is religious, has strong values and morals, she will most likely pass it on to her children as well. You are going to spend the rest of your life with her.

It is ok to see if she also has the same social status as yourself as she will be mixing in with your family and relatives. Getting on with each other’s families is important and makes it easier to communicate and understand each other.

Cousin marriage is not forbidden in Islam. You can marry your cousin if you want to. However, it is not wise to do so as there is a risk of the offspring inheriting genetic defects/diseases. So, if you don’t want to marry your cousin, you can tell your parents that you are not attracted to her and also that you don’t want to take the risk to have children with diseases.

Remember, when you are looking for a spouse, it is ok to find someone who is compatible and religious. Nobody is perfect, so do not try to look for perfection as you will never be able to find that. However, try to find someone who has the same goals as you in life and is a family-orientated woman.

In Asian cultures and homes, the girl is not just marrying the man, but also his family. So it is important that she also like your family and get on with them. A polite and well-mannered girl gets easier along with people than a girl who doesn’t have these qualities.

I am sure you will find the righteous wife soon, In sha Allah.

May Allah give you the right spouse whom you are happy with.

Ameen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

The Magic Key for a Successful Islamic Marriage

The Magic Key for a Successful Islamic Marriage




About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: [email protected]

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