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I Can’t Accept to Be Still Single

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Nov 08, 2018

Question

Salam. I'm 34 years old single Muslim woman. I come from a very cold family. We never hug each other. I remember very well that hugging was stopped when I was around 5 years old. My parents have never shown any affection toward me, but then it is very unfair from them that when someone comes to me with a marriage proposal, they refuse due to ethnicity difference.

I just want to run away from this coldness and build my own family which is full of love and warmness. I simply have no strong family role model; I don’t feel my father’s presence. He financially supports the family, but the money he earns is not enough. As a result, my eyes always turn to foreigner men whom my parents hate so much.

I know they are afraid the guy will leave me, but what the point is if there is no love for me. They enchain me in such a situation. I have only one brother and he doesn't care about me at all. We hardly communicate with each other. All is about coldness. I pray the night prayer for a long time, and I know Allah has blessed me with a lot of things I deserve to be grateful for -even the presence of my parents. I know He always responds to my prayer, even when I pray for little things in life; He is always with me to protect me. However each time, I ask Allah for a husband, He seems to say, "Pray for your parents, the key is in your parents' hands."

I'm kind of an introvert, but I don't feel any loneliness as I spend my time reading religious books and other others. Indeed, I prefer to be alone, but as a normal human being, I desperately need a husband to lead me. I'm struggling to accept what Allah “said” as a response to my prayers, that I need to pray for my parents. My parents are practicing Muslims but lack religious knowledge. I can't communicate with them in a decent way as they start raising their voice once I try talking about getting married to someone from another ethnicity. I'm fed up with this all. I try hard to convince my mind and sincerely believe that what Allah decrees is the best, but this time I just can't do it. I know it sounds so arrogant.

Who am I to "challenge" His guidance? Sometimes, I cry in my silent nights, why this time it is so difficult for me to accept this reality. I pray for them every time I get a chance, but I know in my heart that it’s not sincere enough. Few times, I wish to die as this feeling depresses me a lot. I know its haram, but I just can't control it.

I’ve also tried fasting to manage my emotions. Indeed, I’ve tried almost all religious ways to "defeat" my mind and heart so that I can wholeheartedly love and pray for them. But it seems to be no result so far. Please help me. I have gone through a lot of trial on my faith, and alhamdulillah I passed it well with the help of Allah. But now, this situation seems to erode my strong faith, please help me to save it. Thank you in advance. May Allah reward you immensely for helping the ummah. Amin.

Counselor

Answer


I Can’t Accept to Be Still Single

In this counseling answer:

  • It is your right to seek marriage and be an active participant in your search.
  • Open your heart to any potential suitor if they were of good Islamic quality regardless of ethnicity.
  • Keep your heart open, pray to Allah for guidance and ease, make du’aa’ for your parents.
  • Become active in your community and seek that which Allah has for you.

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

Thank you for your question dear sister. I felt your pain and sadness throughout your writing. It is very clear that you have much love and respect for your parents and have taken good care of them in respectful and kind ways. May Allah reward you for this and all of your other life sacrifices.

I am sad to hear of your seemingly cold upbringing without feeling affection or closeness. Rest assured dear sister that your family loves you dearly, however, due to whatever trauma or life experiences that they may have had, they were and still are unable to express the love the way you need it, but they do love you.

Dear sister, yes, you deserve a husband and family of your own. You deserve to be happy. As an adult, you also can choose to make your own decisions regarding who you chose to marry as well as taking the initiative by engaging in Islamic events and developing a close network of other single sisters wherein you can build a support system. You can also let others know you are single and looking. You can begin at your masjid and discuss the issue with your imam.

Sometimes, sister, time flies because we let it. We often don’t actively pursue the routes for happiness that is permissible for us. We often feel that our parents are supposed to provide for our marriage needs and if they don’t, we sit year after year hurt, angry and sad.

However, we must realize that in Islam, marriage is considered the other half of religion. This means no matter how religious a person is unless he is married, the religion is incomplete. Why? It is not only God that has right upon His servants, but the person’s body and emotions also have rights that need to be rightfully fulfilled.

Therefore, sister, it is your right to seek marriage and be an active participant in your search. Perhaps yes, Allah wants you to pray for your parents rather than talk to them. So far, talking has not produced good fruits. Allah knows best. In turn, this may mean that while you pray for your parents’ acceptance of a future marriage, it is now up to you to pursue a marriage.


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Regarding your parents’ refusal of your marrying someone of a different ethnicity, keep in mind the following hadeeths:

“”O people! Indeed, your Lord is one and your father is one. Indeed, there is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab, nor of a non-Arab over an Arab, nor of a white over a black, nor a black over a white, except by taqwa.”(Musnad Ahmad) 

These Islamic illustrations can be used if you decide to again, discuss marriage with your parents.

However, sister, I am concerned about one statement you made regarding marrying someone from a different ethnicity. You stated, “I simply have no strong family role model; I don’t feel my father’s presence. He financially supports the family, but the money he earns is not enough. As a result, my eyes always turn to foreigners.” I am wondering sister, are you only seeking a husband who is of another ethnicity because of your father? Or are you open to whoever Allah brings to you?

If you are only willing to marry a man of another ethnicity, then this is not right either. I would hope sister that you would open your heart to any potential suitor if they were of good Islamic quality regardless of ethnicity.

As far as your parents rejecting a suitor due to ethnicity, this is also not in accordance with the teachings of Islam. However, I implore you to keep your heart open, pray to Allah for guidance and ease, make du’aa’ for your parents, but also for yourself for a husband. Become active in your community and seek that which Allah has for you.

You are in our prayers sister. Please let us know how you are doing.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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