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Afraid of Marriage First Night

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Jul 15, 2017

Question

My problem is that I think I will be afraid of touching my wife on the first night of our wedding. I lived my whole life staying away from wrong doings like committing zina, rape, touching any unknown women, etc. I am ashamed to say, but having intercourse with my wife on the first night makes me have the feeling that I am committing zina.I also heard that one cannot arrange the marriage ceremony until he had intercourse with his wife.I want to fulfill the sunnah, but i don’t know how. It is most common here that spouse love starts after having intercourse. I know Allah has made husband - wife relationship in this way, but there might be some other way by which one could develop love and affection toward the opposite sex. Please help me.

Counselor

Answer


first night

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum Brother,

Thank you for sending us your question. I first would like to tell you that it is not haraam or disliked to not have sexual intercourse on that same night that the Islamic marriage took place. It is not haraam to postpone your first sexual contact with your wife.

I would also like to remind you that I am not an Islamic scholar, but a Muslim mental health professional, and I will be advising you as a counselor. I advise you to consult the “Ask the Scholar” section for any fatwa questions.

Brother, it seems you have Alhamdulillah refrained from all the types of zina (fornication) or haraam interaction with women throughout your life. This is a blessing from Allah, and Alhamdulillah Allah has blessed you with a wife who you will be able to in sha’ Allah have a close, blessed, and happy relationship with.

Islam ordained that our spouses be like our garments and that we protect each other and be close companions to each other. Marriage has its psychological, emotional, and physical aspects to it, and each one of them is vital for the marriage to survive in a healthy and constructive manner.

An important part of marriage is the sexual relationship. It seems you still have not accepted that idea because you automatically couple haraam zina with halaal sex in your mind. It is easy for some people to go through life being told (and believing) that zina is haraam, and anything that has to do with sex is a horrible deed in order to cope with abstaining from any unlawful kind of sexual contact.

Allah created us with sexual desires, and in Islam, there is nothing shameful about that. Islam just puts guidelines for us to follow in regards to whom and when we can fulfill our sexual desires. However, the actual act of sex is NOT wrong. To the contrary, sex, when it is done the halaal way, is a blessing from Allah in which you even get good reward for doing.

The first thing you need to do brother is to change your perception on sex. You first need to accept sex as a healthy and halaal part of life and allow yourself to look forward to having sex with your wife.

The second thing you need to do is to relax and to keep things natural between you and your wife. There is nothing in the Islamic law that says that a newly-married couple has to have sexual intercourse right after the Islamic marriage takes place. Don’t pressure yourself because that can cause you to be anxious and uneasy at a time when you and your wife should be happy. Instead, take the time to get to know your wife and spend time getting to know each other and eventually intimate with each other.

Also, let her know that you want to take it easy since she may have the same expectations as you do now about having sexual intercourse right away.

May Allah bless your marriage and grant you both happiness and prosperity.

***

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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