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The Girl Refused Me, Now She Wants My Marriage Proposal

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 29, 2018

Question

Asslamuallikum. I hope you are in the best of your health. I met a girl three years ago to help her in her thesis. She observes hijab but her face remains open. We remained work colleagues for three years and I fell in love with her. She initially told me she wasn't interested in me and is waiting for her Ex to contact her and she had a five-year relationship with her Ex. In order to generate Interest in her, I used to take her to shopping and dining and she never had any issue hanging out with me or spending my money on her.

She does offer her prayers and pretended to be religious in front of me. She never allowed me to see her without Hijab; however, I did manage to see her pictures. Few months ago, I found her she is in online romantic relationship with a guy younger than her. I got very disappointed and asked my parents to find a girl for me. They selected a very pious girl for me who is hafiz e quran and is only 20-year-old and her father is a religious scholar.

A month ago the girl (she is 26-year-old) whom I was hanging out with called me and said she was willing to marry me and asked me to send a proposal. Because I still love her, I talked to my parents and they weren’t willing because of the commitment they have made with the other family. She is now constantly insisting me to send proposal for her and says why I wasted her 3 years if I wasn't sure to marry her. I myself is not very religious but have learnt the Quran with translation, but sometimes I miss my prayers. I am not happy with my parent’s decision and want to send proposal for the girl whom I love.

Can you please guide me what are the religious implications for breaking the previous commitment and sending the proposal for the girl I love. Kindly advise me. JazakALLAH.

Counselor

Answer


The Girl Refused Me, Now She Wants My Marriage Proposal

In this counseling answer:

“It is better to take some time out and think closely at the whole situation and also ask for advice in this kind of situations. The prophet said:

‘’A woman is married for four reasons, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her piety. So you should marry the pious woman otherwise you will be losers (your hands will be covered in dust).” (Bukhari)


As-Salaam ‘Aleikom Brother,

It seems you are in a confused situation where you are not sure whether to follow your heart or brain. After spending 3 years with someone, you naturally develop some kind of connection with each other. This is one of the reason, as I am sure you are aware, Islam prohibits any kind of private interaction with the opposite gender.

When seeking a spouse, it is important to follow the guidelines of Islam so that we earn the blessing of Allah on our marriage. Here is a counseling answer on what a Muslim should and should not do during the period of engagement.

I can understand that you have feelings for her, but you have to understand that marriage is a big commitment. To be able to make it work you have to sacrifice a lot.

Sometimes, when we are loaded with feelings and emotions, it is hard to make a rational decision. This is why it is better to take some time out and think closely at the whole situation and also ask for advice in this kind of situations. At the end of the day, it is your decision to make, and nobody else can make it for you.

As you mentioned, she wasn’t interested in you before as she said she was waiting for her ex-boyfriend. How is she now interested to marry you? Why did she spend so much time with you and let you spend money on her when she wasn’t even thinking of marrying you and having secret romantic relationships with boys online? You shouldn’t be feeling guilty of wasting her time because in the reality you were the one who was serious with her and wanted to marry her and she refused you.

When she used to spend so much time with you (I sincerely hope while keeping the boundaries of Islam) and let you spend money on her, it seems like she was playing mind games with you. Maybe she was testing you to see how much you are willing to do for her and how much you really like her.

One of the reasons people play mind games is to gain some form of control and to get people to do things for them the way they want it. The feeling of control makes them feel better about themselves. It is mainly because they are insecure. If they feel they are failing somewhere in life and have no control of it, they might play mind games so they can feel is the “winner”.

If she really liked you and wanted to marry you, she would not have told you that she is waiting for her ex-boyfriend. Perhaps she was just testing you to see how much you were willing to accept to be with her. It is not healthy to be in such a relationship as it will only lead to full control and manipulation. She knows that you love her and that you are willing to do anything for her, so she is keeping you on the ‘’waiting list’’, in case her ex doesn’t turn back.

As I mentioned before, marriage is a big commitment. You should not just marry someone just because you think they are religious. Is she really a suitable wife for you? Just because she prays and wears hijab doesn’t mean she is religious. Her actions speak for itself. She is romantically involved with people on the net. She had an ex-boyfriend for 5 years. She spends so much time with you without being in a halal relationship with you. How is this all a sign of a good Muslim? Will she be a good wife?


Check out this counseling video:

 


We can’t say anything about that, but you should trust your instinct. From your text it shows that you are unsure about her character. When you marry a woman, you should see her religious values and qualities as she will be the mother of your children. She will be the one who will spend most of the time with them.

Choose a woman you know is mature and responsible and who is good for you and your family, and to herself too. If she cannot protect herself from the evil/haram, then what are the chances that she will protect you, your children, herself and your family? You have to think about all these things before you marry a woman.

 ‘’A woman is married for four reasons, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her piety. So you should marry the pious woman otherwise you will be losers (your hands will be covered in dust).” (Bukhari)

However, it is important that you also work on yourself to be a good and pious Muslim. How would you want to marry someone pious when you said to yourself “I’m not very religious.” Inshallah, brother, I sincerely advise you to do your best to please Allah in your actions and to become a role model – for your wife and for your future children as well. I am sure you are on the right path with this, otherwise, you would not write to us. May Allah bless you and always help you and your wife to be on the straight path. Amen.

Marriage is a Sunnah in Islam. If you think she will be a good and religious wife and will fulfill all or most of the requirements of a ‘’good’ wife, then you should marry her.

I would suggest that before you make any final decision, you talk about it to your parents or someone close to who is sincere and ask for advice from them. This is your life and marriage is a big decision to make and make it wisely.

May Allah guide you and make it easier for you to make the right decision.

Ameen.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: [email protected]

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