After 2 Years of Engagement, Shall I Still Wait for Him? | About Islam
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After 2 Years of Engagement, Shall I Still Wait for Him?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 03, 2016

Question

Salam. I was born a Muslim, but I started feeling Islam inside me for about 3 years. That happened when I started spending some time with Muslim revert sisters. I have been studying Quran with interpretation, and it has affected my heart a lot. I might not look religious, but I am. I've never been into haram relationship. I believe Allah has saved me from it for someone very special. I met a guy in 2014. He belongs to an Orthodox Jewish banking family, but reverted to Islam in 2013 after studying Islam for many years. Since his conversion, he felt that the business he is doing is haram, so he resigned from his position and his banking family has been torturing him since then. He is into a kind of security that he can rarely talk to me like once a month or so for a few minutes. So we have not been doing haram. But it's been 2 years now that he had proposed me and I accepted it as I found him to be the best man I ever met. He has been trying to solve all the problems with his banking family (relatives as his parents are dead already). He treats my family as his own family, he loves them the way I do. I don't find any single problem with him, except that he is not yet free from his family problems. My family wants me to get married as soon as possible as I'm 29 years old and in my family people get married so early. When I told him that I would not be able to wait more, he got so upset and requested me to wait as he swore that he would not marry anyone else as he would never be able to love anyone else and her family as he considers my family his own. I have been trying my best to forget him and move on with someone else, but I cannot. If someone likes me, I don't like him, and if I like someone, he doesn’t like me. I've been praying istikharah and begging Allah to remove him from my heart, if he is not meant for me, but it's not happening. Can you suggest me what should I do? I really don't know how long it will take for him to solve his problems.

Counselor

Answer


After 2 Years of Engagement, Shall I Still Wait for Him?

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

Alhamdulillah, it is pleasing to read that you are doing all you can to get closer to Allah (swt). It is also good to read when someone is guided to the straight path of Islam and is even willing to give up their career if it is not in line with Islamic values.

Firstly, you must keep in mind that whilst you are not married to this man, you are currently haram for each other and, therefore, any contact between you without your mahram or a third party present is haram. However, you have developed this bond with him and his family which is why this decision is made even more difficult for you. Now your emotions could stand in the way of you making the correct and rational decision. Alhamdulillah, your family are aware of the situation and are able to offer a more rational perspective that is not clouded by the love that you have for him and his family, so it is worth taking their thoughts into consideration, too.

You should also keep in mind that this love was developed in a haram way and highlights the dangers of entering a haram relationship. This is due to the emotions involved that make it more difficult to step away from the situation and make decisions that are best for you according to Islamic principles. Rather, your decisions are based on your own desires that are a result of the love you developed for him.

However, you say you are praying for Allah (swt) to remove him from your heart if he is not good for you, which implies that you are open to seek other opportunities should they arise.  It is the best attitude to have towards your situation. This open mindedness will make whatever happens a lot easier for you to accept and bring you contentment with whatever the outcome should be. The problem is that you don’t feel like he is being taken from your heart and continue to have feelings for him. Maybe, this is due to the love you developed for him, or maybe due to not keeping Allah’s (swt) pleasure in mind. This is for you to realize yourself. There are, however, ways to overcome either of these.

Do not give up on supplicating to Allah (swt) and continue to ask for His (swt) guidance and, with patience, He (swt) will answer your call when the time is right, whether this is to make it possible for you to marry this man or for another proposal to come your way. You might begin by making tawbah and asking Allah (swt) for forgiveness for being in contact with another man outside of marriage. Even though it may seem like it was perfectly innocent, as you had little contact and especially as you had planned to make it all halal by getting married, even during this period of engagement, contact between the two of you without anyone else’s present is still haram. As you can see, there are now obstacles that are preventing and delaying this marriage moving forward according to your own plans, but Allah (swt) is the Best of Planners.

 It is always helpful to have family support as you have. Marrying young is not something unique to your family, but is also recommended in Islam for many reasons. One of them is to protect us from committing sin to have certain physical and emotional needs met by engaging in relations outside of marriage.

It was narrated from Aishah that: the Messenger of Allah said: “Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married, and whoever does not, then he should fast for it will diminish his desire.” (Ibn Majah)

Perhaps, you could make some kind of compromise and have a time scale in mind in which if things did not work out with the man you were hoping to marry, then you can more actively look elsewhere and have family and friends help you out in finding someone. During this time, any contact with him should be via a third party, such as your family or if you are to contact him yourself, then someone else should be present.

If someone comes along in the meantime that is a decent, pious man, you are encouraged to oblige and take the offer. Remember that it may be that the man you wish to marry never sorts his problems out and the marriage is never able to move forward. As you get older, it becomes more difficult to find a spouse. Waiting for him would be a risk to take and is one for you to think hard about.

Remember that, ultimately, it is not about pleasing this man or your family, but about what is pleasing to Allah (swt). This is what you need to keep in mind throughout all your decision making. Ask yourself if holding on for this man would be pleasing to Allah (swt). Or maybe letting go and searching elsewhere through halal means for a more immediate solution would be more pleasing to Him (swt)? Keeping this in mind might help you to have a clearer mind about your next step. Keep Allah (swt) close by doing everything for the sake of Allah (swt) and engaging in more acts of ibaadah; pray voluntary prayers when you can, read the Quran in any spare time you have, and make dhikr regularly. This way, the decision you make will be with Allah (swt) in mind in your search and desire to please Him (swt) more than anyone. What is pleasing to Him (swt) is good for you.

May Allah (swt) guide you to make the decision that is best for you and most pleasing to Him (swt). May He (swt) grant you a spouse that brings you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

Salam,

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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