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I’m Asexual; How to Tell My Dad? (Video)



Reply Date

Feb 22, 2018


Salam. I am an asexual. It was something that was freeing to discover about myself because I realized that there was nothing wrong or unnatural about my general disgust of sexual actions. Additionally, freeing me from the personal daunting terror of getting married and having children; something I never desired. When I discovered this fact, however, I was a little sad because I do want to have a romantic relationship (without sexual interactions) and found it to be almost impossible since asexuals only make up about 1% of the population. I would only settle for an asexual relationship. Eventually, I met someone (another asexual) and absolutely fell in love with her. She and I have happily been together for over a year now and we both feel comfortable and happy that we found and love someone within our same orientation. Because we are both women, I understand that our relationship can be seen as controversial. I have come out to my mother and siblings who love and support my partner and I. However, I feel an immense strain because I have not yet told my father whom I love dearly and I am very close to. I have not yet told him I am asexual although he knows how I feel about marriage and children and is generally supportive and understands I am far more interested in my career and education. I am unsure of how to tell him because although he is very open-minded, I am unsure how he would take the news of his daughter being in a relationship with another woman. However, I feel that I must tell him eventually because holding the secret within I think is an injustice to him, myself and my relationship. I am a Muslim alhumduilliah and I am aware that my practice and interpretation of Islam is viewed as wrong by those more conservative than me. However, no one can take my belief away from me. I am aware that I am likely judged for how I practice, but that does not diminish the love I have for my brothers and sisters. I fear that by telling my father, he will true away from me which is a pain I never want to experience, but I am willing to face in order to live a life of honesty and true to myself. I do not believe my asexual relationship with my girlfriend is wrong at all. We have no sexual desire, no desire for children, are happy and love each other very much. My question is, how can I come out to my father? I understand that my identity and relationship is likely to be viewed as wrong by many. That I need to try and change who I am or I’ll continue to be unhappy etc... I expect that. But I can't help but completely disagree with such comments. I cannot see how my relationship is wrong. Or how any human on earth has the authority to judge it as such. My father is open minded, very well educated and very strong in his beliefs. He is the one who has taught me to have a relationship with Islam and is always willing to have conversations about the Qur'an, Islamic History and reconciling it with our daily lives in the 21ts century. However, the conversation of my identity and relationship is one I do not know how to go about with him. I want him to accept me and my partner. What would you recommend I do? How can I break it to him gently?



I’m Asexual; How to Tell My Dad?

Salam Aleikom,

In this video, the counselor discusses:

The best way to discuss sensitive topics with your parents

Are parents aware of your secrets?

The importance of accepting ourselves

Whom to seek help for controversial issues in Islam


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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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