My husband found out about the sins I used to commit, one week before we got married. Although he forgave me and we proceeded with the solemnization 6 months ago, he has had difficulty trusting me since then. He doesn’t treat me lovingly the way he used to, but I understand it takes a lot of time and effort on my part to regain his trust.
I am certain I will never cheat, but he feels that I enjoy people’s attention and that I have a high level of arrogance, which is why he feels that I will do things behind his back or that I hide things from him. I do not blame him, nor do I disagree that I do have these characteristics. I have been constantly repenting to Allah (SWT) and praying for Allah to remove this desire for attention or any seed of arrogance from my heart. I’ve begun praying religiously, started wearing the full niqab and have constantly been doing zikir (supplication).
My husband is a short-tempered and a vengeful man, but I know that the wife that triggers a short-tempered husband is far worse. I feel like I’m constantly walking on egg shells. He has often wanted to divorce me or tells his and my entirely family of my past sins, but by the will of Allah (SWT), who hears our prayers, He protected me from such calamity, Alhamdulillah.
When my husband is angry, he can be violent to the extent where I fear for my safety. I know that in moments like these I should never say anything and wait until he is calm. In the meantime, I will constantly pray to Allah to forgive my sins. I know I am not an intelligent wife. Usually when we fight, I will cry so much because I know it is my mistake. But last night, I didn’t shed a tear. I still prayed for Allah to calm my husband’s heart, but I felt that I was not in the wrong. I know that the angels curse the wife whose husband is not pleased with, and that she should not even rest until he is pleased with her again.
Usually I will stay up all night making tahajjud (night supplication), but last night I slept, and prayed to Allah that if I am not wrong, let me rest till Fajr (dawn), and if I have done my husband wrong, then to please take away my sleep. I was rested until the call for fajr prayer came. But I had a dream that my husband and I were happy. I cried when I woke up.
I don’t know what to do. Am I wrong? He believes I have not repented because I still lied. I believe otherwise because I know although my heart was black before, my intentions were pure this time. How can I regain my husband’s trust? What should I say or do to calm him down? The only thing I know to do is to repent and pray.
Currently, we haven’t moved in together yet, which I feel makes things difficult for me to reach out to please him as he is ignoring my calls and texts. I love my husband very much, but I also fear him greatly. I know that everything is in the hands of our Lord, but I hope you can offer me some advice and guidance too.