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How to Deal with Emotional Abandonment in Marriage

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Oct 01, 2018

Question

assalamualaikum. I have a major dilemma. Alhamdulilah. I have been married for 11 years to a good Muslim man but we have only one 8-year-old son together. We have both wanted more children, but with work and me having an endocrine disorder, we only have just the one so far.

For the past 6 years, I have made some effort to deal with my endocrine disorder myself, (he always says he is too busy to understand my illness), but I also feel the lack of sex is a big factor too. We have sexual relations maybe 2 - max 4 times a year.

When I ask him why he says he feels stressed out at work and doesn't feel like he is in the mood. I usually try to be understanding, but recently I noticed that he has been spending all his time at work or when he comes home, he is on FB, YouTube or WhatsApp. If I am close to him, while he is on his iPad or phone, he will hide his phone or shy away from me (as if he is hiding something). When I ask him why he hides, he laughs it off and says, it is nothing, or he gives me the excuse that he is doing office work. So, I usually leave it at that.

But I so desperately want another child and he claims he does too, but the lack of sex in our relationship makes me lose any hope of having another baby especially when I am now 40 years old. I also feel that the lack of intimacy or emotional connections make me so upset. It also doesn't help that my mind suspects that he is hiding something. When I ask him he says I am being ridiculous. Also, when I ask him if he is still attracted to me, he says yes, but I no longer believe him.

The other day, as we got to talking over lunch, he shared with me that his ex-wife has been writing to him and he says that she may even be pregnant. This made me very upset. I understand that he has a child with his ex-wife, but I always feel that he shares more intimacy with her than with me. Anyway, I told him how it made me feel and he stormed out and as usual, gave me the silent treatment.

This goes on quite often in our relationship. Whenever I feel hurt about something he did and whenever I tell him, he shuts off and ignores my feelings. He always blames me and says I bring on unnecessary drama. Or I am such a complainer. The silent treatment can go on for weeks until I say sorry and then we carry on our lives as nothing happened. But I still have unresolved issues and I don't have anyone to talk to.

What makes it worse is because of his job, he just moved us to a new country where I have no friends and close family. Although it is a good job move for him and us financially, I still feel so alone. Honestly, I feel like going back to my country where I have a job and friends, but I am afraid if I do that, my son will feel so displaced and may resent me as he has the opportunity to be an in a good school right now.

At the moment, he is still giving me the silent treatment. He has blocked my number from his WhatsApp and calls, and only talks to me through my son. I wrote a letter to him explaining how I felt, but no reply. I feel so alone. and I am at my wit's end. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. Jazakumullahu Khair

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About Megan Wyatt

Megan Wyatt is the founder of Wives of Jannah (http://wivesofjannah.com/) where she offers training programs, live workshops, and relationship coaching for wives and couples. She is a certified Strategic Intervention coach with specialized certifications for working with women and marital relationships and has been coaching and mentoring Muslims globally since 2008. She shares her passion for Islamic personal development in her Passionate Imperfectionist community (https://www.facebook.com/CoachMeganWyatt/). She is a wife and homeschooling mother with four children residing in Southern California.

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