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He’s Been to Jail, Taken Drugs & Cheated. Should I Divorce Him?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 29, 2019

Question

Assalamualaikum,

My husband and I have been married for around 7 years and have a baby daughter between us. I married him at only 19. My husband grew up in a broken home watching his mother be used and abused. He also led a lifestyle filled with drugs, alcohol, clubs, and many sexual partners. I was aware of all of this when I accepted getting married to him.

Two years later my husband was imprisoned for being millions of dollars in debt. I was devastated because I had no idea he had this money or what he has spent it on. He never felt the responsibility to explain any of this to me or that I had the right to know.

He claimed that I had married him because I always understood his past and never judged him for it. When he was released later on, I had set rules about finances and he promised he would change. However, he then became distant and started treating me horribly. We hadn’t had intercourse and I tried everything to make him feel wanted, which in turn made me feel cheap and like I wanted too much.

My husband wanted a child, but we found out he was impotent. I was extremely supportive and never blamed him for it and had to go through many infertility procedures in which he had nothing to do that I even got expelled from college because of my repeated absence. I became extremely depressed and hurt as a result, and he repeatedly threw words at me because of how envious he was of his friends who had children.

He was in complete denial that he was the problem. After four years of marriage and giving up on bearing children I found out I was pregnant. Although I had planned to surprise him with the news, what he said then still kills me to this day- he asked me if I was sure it was his. Which hurt too much even if he claims he was being sarcastic.

Despite being pregnant finally, there was still a huge risk I could lose the baby, therefore the doctors stressed that I quit my job to stay at home. I had to continue to work because of our financial situation. I then got into a car accident and started suffering from severe back pains. I had to bear it all alone.

My husband was too disgusted to have sex with me and was not there for me at all. He would leave on what he claims to be business trips and then I would find out he was in search of prostitutes in the area he was going to. I was just speechless. To this date he still denies it, and it has been 3 years since, and I caught him yet again.

Since the beginning of my marriage I have not enjoyed my sex life at all, all the while my husband had multiple sex partners and claimed he was addicted but felt nothing towards me. I was in labor for 3 days and my husband was not by my side; he never checked on me and I had to endure it all on my own. I had a c-section as well and had to stay in the hospital for a week due to complications and he still didn’t care.

A year later he went back to jail and I found out it was because he still hadn’t paid his debt. I am living a life of agony because of his actions constantly. I am currently back to get my degree, have a part-time job, and I am raising our daughter on my own and I can never get a break because he won’t let me.

He has lied, cheated and betrayed me. He completely threw away the trust between us. My cousin was murdered in the summer and he did not comfort me when I needed it the most; I was left alone to cope with the pain. Whenever he is stressed or down, I am always there to pick him up and he knows this, but I am alone. I have not grieved properly and it’s affecting me each day.

I pray to God to grant me patience every day. I wish I was receiving something from him, but he extremely lacks financially, emotionally, and psychically. What should I do in this case? I really need an Islamic perspective to understand what I should do. I have spoken to him many times and he says he will change but nothing has changed. I am miserable and extremely unhappy.

Counselor

Answer


About Megan Wyatt

Megan Wyatt is the founder of Wives of Jannah (http://wivesofjannah.com/) where she offers training programs, live workshops, and relationship coaching for wives and couples. She is a certified Strategic Intervention coach with specialized certifications for working with women and marital relationships and has been coaching and mentoring Muslims globally since 2008. She shares her passion for Islamic personal development in her Passionate Imperfectionist community (https://www.facebook.com/CoachMeganWyatt/). She is a wife and homeschooling mother with four children residing in Southern California.

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